Couch 142 - Pope Hyginus' Final Resting Place (~Something in Latin~)

Can you do what I do with assignments? Because I have a short attention span I work assignment for 30-40 minutes then clean for 10-15 minutes. This does not always work out how I plan however.

Today is the day in my life when I find out that for having a single accident in my entire driving career of no accidents or tickets of any kind, my insurance premium gets hiked up over 200% for the next four years.

Amount of notice given: one month

Long term solutions: give up medical treatment and stay crazy and by extension unable to work properly? Stop eating food? Drop health insurance (illegal to do here)?

Short term solutions: walk into my insurance agent's office and have an embarrassing emotional breakdown (check)
Have a drink (check)

Squirrel, I should take my own advice here, I am a terrible housekeeper. Set a timer for 15 minutes, clean until it goes off, then go do something else. I feel overwhelmed by the sheer mass of my mess, no matter how long I work on it I feel like it will never get done. So instead of stopping when it's clear I stop when the time runs out. I always surprise myself how much better it looks for the short time I spent. Then go do something else for a while, so you don't feel beat up by the job. (((Squirrel)))

Mmm, Sugar Shack. I'd go, but it's going to be crazy busy. Love me a good doughnut

yep, leading to "food deserts," where it's difficult to find healthy food within a certain radius, especially for people who don't have a car. But plenty of fast food restaurants generally...

Wow...it just hit me...I have barely eaten anything today. I had 2 hashbrowns from Mickey D's this morning on my way to C. Had some Ramen between C and CVS. And then had a couple of pasta chips (like pita or bagel chips...only made from pasta) when I came home from CVS. I am not really that hungry though. But, that is not anywhere near enough food for the day. Maybe I should force myself to eat a jelly sandwich. I need something simple to make as I am too lazy to do anything worthwhile. Lol.

Get some protein, Squirrel!

A halved avocado with salt and pepper is my personal favorite "I need to eat but ehh" meal

Or a slice of bread with mayo and paprika (why do I like this?)

Bonus: dice a tomato and put it in the hole where the avocado pit was and it's almost like a salad or something.

Speaking of how much I love doughnuts and food in general, I'm not looking forward to my gyn appointment tomorrow. I've probably gained all my weight back. Levels are probably low also. I should have cancelled.

I know. I just wrote my first one a couple of months ago. And Eulogy.
Both were incredibly odd. The obit was the hardest to write.
The eulogy was harder to do - but writing it, while bizarre, not as hard for me.

Fortunately the minister will handle the eulogy; he knows my parents very well. Our part of the service will be in the music, and in our family, the music is perhaps most important.

The obituary is done, and actually quite good I think. My father said he really likes it and appreciates me writing it for the family. It was an interesting group effort getting the dates right, the names spelled correctly, etc. I guess the hardest part, but the part that I think came out the best, was making it personal enough to reflect her character and gifts.

I am going to write this here because I am sure many of you my couch friends can identify with my feelings. TRIGGER WARNING FOR TALK OF SELF HARM AND SUICDIDAL IDEATIONS.

The frustrating thing about my mental illness for me (or I suppose any illness) is that they symptoms come and they go. Sometimes they are less severe, just a minor hindrance other times it stops you from everyday life. Like with so many other illnesses I can be sick enough to feel like crap, but not sick enough to stay in bed all day. So, I just walk around in this haze of, I feel like crap. Except, when its the mental illness that comes back, the physical pain isn't the issue for me (though it can be for some people) but the mental pain is so hard to handle. It makes me feel like a liar, that I can be thinking how much I want to die, or how horrible disgusting person I am, but sit in my daugther's dance studio and help other moms navigate end of the year recital craziness.

Its that inconsistency that really bothers me the most. Its the pretending I am a functioning human being, capable adult that really stresses me the hell out. Because, most days I don't want to be here. Most days I dread getting out of bed, or getting in the car and driving my kids to school yet again. Or dread showing up at school for a PTF function knowing that I have to act on, or hide my SH wounds from the night before. I hate that feeling. On one hand I get pissed that I live in a society where MI is stigmatized, and even more so in the small Christian community that I am apart of. On the other hand, I could care less because ultimately I want to give into my mental illness and I don't want people to know that I am that close to the edge.

It's amazing to me that 9 months ago I was making plans about a degree program, and my marriage was better, and I had hope. That in a matter of months I can go from a woman ready to conquer the world, to a woman who is feeling bedridden by a nasty disease. A disease of the brain, a disease that instead of killing you- it convinces you to kill yourself.

Well, I just got off the phone with my mom. My brother went before the judge a few days ago...original bond on the one charge was $5000, judge upped it to $10,000 for him being a "repeat" criminal. Kid that did the burglary with my brother has charges dropped (even though his rap sheet is longer than my brothers and he has done the same exact crime 4 times in the past). My brother told my mom the other kid was a snitch and is going to have a lot of people after him, so I am assuming he gave investigators information they wanted. Yes, my brother committed a crime, but the judicial system is just not fair sometimes. The other kid (well not kid...he was 21) got off and has never served jail time for any of his crimes...charges are always dropped. Maybe that is why he keeps doing the same thing over and over. Geeze....

Now my brother sits in jail till his official court date, since no one is in a position to bond him out. Oh well...at least if he is convicted the day of his trial he can get a shorter sentence for time served. I just don't like the thought of him stuck in jail. Though I guess he is being fed and has a roof over his head right now and is away from the drug addicts that he was hanging around. It's an addiction, I know that...I just wish he could stop...but then again addictions are hard to overcome.

I am just venting. My renter has been avoiding paying me the rent for 2 days now, excuse after excuse and dodging my calls and texts and is not at my place when I go. I am crazy annoyed.

Healed - what can we do that would help?

Healed, I feel for you. I too struggle with my MI. I not only have the mood side of it, which can be very difficult to manage, but I have hallucinations as well and get lost in my own little world when they happen where I loose track of reality going on around me. I will finally zone back in an have people staring at me like they are waiting for an answer to a question. I am not saying that I am in a worse place than you, because we each have our own struggles. Any MI is disabling and it is so stigmatized in America. I feel for the Christian community as well...my parents are of the view that all one has to do is "pray to God" to take away the illness and remove the demonic possession and I will be free. My response is always...so if you (dad) pray to God to take away your high blood pressure you will be healthy again too? To which I am told his is a real illness. Gee wiz. I go to church sometimes and have spoken to my pastor several times about my dad's remarks. Pastor's response is that God gave us modern medicine, so he is taking care of the illness in other worldly means. However, not everyone at my church feels this way... several times I have overheard other members talkign about the "crazies" who take psychiatric medications. *sigh*

Good luck!

I'm ok.. I just wanted to get it out. I see t tomorrow afternoon. And we'll have this talk that we have at least once a year.. about how I knew I would come back to place and screw you and your hopeful attitude.

I read that if you ate nothing by MacDonald's burgers, you probably would not get scurvy.

Healed, hugs if you want them. I'm having some similar thoughts tonight.

Ok I need to tell my t something, I don't really know if it's self harm, but what it difficult is that t is male and now we are discussing "that house" I do things like
it's bad enough tell you guys if feel weird. How should I approach this. ?

I guess, I'd start with

- are you doing it to hurt/punish yourself or is the bleeding and pain a side affect/element of the activity that is sexually arousing for you?

- are you able to enjoy other sexual activities or is this the only time you are able to find release (orgasm)?

- are there other contributing factors like mania, paranoia, negative self talk ... going on before choosing to do the activity?

And please forgive me if I am totally off in understanding your question.

Hugs... I wish I had an answer. If you can manage to tell him, I think you should tell him. Maybe try writting it down, or draw an image of a body and mark "that" area?

I think the right answer would be that there's nothing to be embarassed off,


Well done on sharing it here

Is there anything we can do to help you right now?

On point no 1-I think it is to punish myself I feel agreat deal of shame and guilt doing it but also pleasure
Point 2- I enjoy other sexual activities with and without varying degrees of guilt
Point 3- I am only aware of feeling "bad" but a childish bad I don't know how to explain it.
Mainly I was wanting some help with bringing this up. I think Demunies picture idea would work best maybe.

I really like the picture idea that seems doable as an introduction thing. I have been trying to tell him for 6 years now.