Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

I'm going to miss you. I go back a million times in mind if I'm doing the right thing or not. I'm sure I am, but you know how hard it is for me to make a decision. I'm in total denial. I have no idea how things got here, or why we let them get here.

I wish you'd email me. Today was not enough time.

Hi T,

Thx for listening, for making me feel real and "not completely crazy". You're great.

'munie

When I'm checking the weather forecast where you are, I must be missing you a lot. Sorry it's raining, but you can't say I didn't warn you

Remembering our first session. Not even session...
Remembering how i found this clinic. How i spoke with receptionist by phone and cried.
I said: "I need help. No matter which specialist".

And she recommended me you, T. She changed my life. Thank you, M.V!
It was the best decision in my life.

It seems like an eternity ago.

Love you
73 hours 20 minutes to go

Dear MC,
My first thought was, "wait, that's all you're saying to that?" But then I realized that I didn't really need you to say anything more than you did--you were letting me know that you'd read my e-mail, and that you care. You've spoiled me lately with longer responses (let alone the phone call), when you used to often not even respond at all. So, thanks for all the time and thought and care you've given me. Some things just don't call for a long answer. I shouldn't assume something negative because of it, like that you were annoyed by the e-mail or feel I'm being melodramatic or something.

Also, when exactly do you sleep? During the last 6 months or so, you've now e-mailed me as late as 1:30 a.m. and as early as 6 a.m. I hope you're getting some rest in there and a break from your work (because I know that's what I am, part of your job, hard as that can be to accept at times).

Love,
LT

There are no f***ing words for how I feel about you.

It hurts to think of how kind you are to me sometimes. Stop being so lovely. I can't bear it.

Dear Dr. S,

I want an email from you. Thursday long time away. Poke, Touch, Sad. Have to sit with the sad.

I don't know which is worse, going through this sadness to heal/grow or knowing that as I heal my feelings towards you will change and I will lose some of the good feelings I have with respect to you and this relationship. It's like grieving both at the same time. I feel like you won't be mommy for much longer. Will you miss it too? I am leaking tears and I can't seem to make them stop.

- me

Just worked out that today it's been exactly six months since the day I fell in love with you.

Six months of thinking about you all the time. That's 4,380 hours. 262,800 minutes.

L I must have officially gone round the bend. I swear I just totally felt compassion coming back to me from you.... (wishful thinking much, Art?)

Amateur! Talk to me in six years!

Miss you, MC. It always seems worst the day after session. There was a moment yesterday, after I'd talked about the one thing, when I glanced up at you while H was talking. Our eyes met, and I could just feel the caring and understanding radiating from your eyes. I wish I could freeze time in those moments.
Love,
LT

No one else will ever care about me the way you did. Or did you ever really care about me at all? I don't know. I don't understand this. I don't understand anything.

Hahaha you so funny, T. You said you thought advanced notice would be helpful. Like I haven't been counting down the days. 86 hours to go.

I'm back on a stupid crisis line.
On nights like these, I hate that I'm not allowed to contact you at all.
I hate this. I hate everything.

Oh T. How are you so kind? I really, REALLY am thankful that you didn't overreact when I told you I went to a derby thing. YOu just said "Oh yeah?" and let me tell the story. I was a little afraid that you were going to practically jump up and down with joy because I went somewhere out of my apartment, AND it was derby...but you were super cool. I really appreciate it.

Also, I truly dont' see how you can enjoy seeing me. I sit curled up in a ball 95% of the time, and never look at you...I do like that you laughed at the fact that I never make eye contact.

Sigh. I am so sad though. You might get a long email tonight, though you probably are expecting it by now. Sorry.

Duchess...

Really, come on. Here we go again...

EM

I'm not depressed, just quiet, drowning out suicidal thoughts with music. Please don't suggest more meds. I know, use my coping skills but you know how tiring it is to always tell myself I'm wrong with how I feel?

God ****ing damnit, Duchess.

You say you can't do this anymore, so I get used to not having it for 6 months and now, now it's okay again?

Perhaps we should talk abiut countertransference some..... I know you've heard of it.

Sounds painful Ellah.

Tomorrow is the day, soon to be former t.

I can't bear to see you in person. I'm gonna have to mail it in, literally. I'm sure a part of you is expecting this. For once, I didn't reply to your texts and emails in the matter of minutes. I don't need to hear why you lied or fudged the truth, because I wouldn't believe it anyway. There is a small part of me that hopes this hurts you as much as it does me and then I realize that I need to let that go. I'm doing this for me, because you've helped me with as much as you can. Because of our lack of boundaries, you may find it difficult to really dive into the issues and because you violated my trust.

That's a deal breaker. It's time to let you go- you may even want this yourself. Our sessions were no longer fun, they felt like work as opposed to what they were before: two friends hanging out. This drained you, I could tell. I heard the ambivalence in your voice during our last phone call and I felt bad for you. You avoided the topic until the last minute and I could see you didn't wanna go there.

I have to let you go. Tomorrow is the day.

Hi R,

Knowing what I know about the post-session experience, I'm wondering whether it would have been better to dive in yesterday and expect a clear-out of sorts today. Of course, we were both subconsciously trying to protect one another...so we didn't.

Three weeks to go. Maybe this is the time I get better at using other support systems.

i can't stop smiling when i think of you (this is very painful though)
thank you for everything

Hi L. I'm feeling a nice settled kind of feeling when I think of you today. That stuff I figured out yesterday was some good work. Of course I wanted to share it with you. It'll probably take some time for that desire to fade. And that's ok. It's a testament to how good we were. And I'm choosing to hold onto all the good. Thank you for everything.