Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

It is indeed. A pattern I mean. I'm so full of patterns I should be a seamstress. Or a bolt of fabric. Instead I'm just a big mess. I'm just so daggone tired of uncovering more and more that I need to work on I want off this damn merry go round of self discovery already.

Well I more meant, your T is perpetuating the pattern and seems unaware of it

i love you, you mean so much to me

i sadly can never tell you the first part though, its very "Wrong" in our type of setting... i hate these dumb rules for therapists/clients

I wuv you

Another ******* landmine today. It's not related to what we talk about, but it's thrown me for a loop. To be frank, this cool, calm and collected exterior is bullcrap. The knowledge that we have two weeks left, and then you're gone for three is not going to help me open up.

If I have my eyes closed when I am in the between space, how am I supposed to navigate any kind of drawing? I am sorry if I came across as dismissive of the idea, because I really would like to see whether I can access that space somehow in a useful way, but I can't be here and there at the same time.

Being there rips me up, to the point where I cannot speak. I don't know how to access that space and speak at the same time.

You know, T, you know. You know how I feel about you.

****, I hated doing EMDR with you.

Dear PrevT,

Therapy today. We talked about a few subjects today until I was ready to land on an emotion-filled topic again: me vs. the autism spectrum. T's youngest son is on the spectrum. I asked her if he was aware of his differences? She said, yes, and it can be heart breaking.

I talked about my feeling of connection to Susan Boyle (who was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger's). I'm still wondering if some of my struggles are due to me being on the spectrum, too? I know you said, no, that's not for me. But I can't shake this deep intense feeling not knowing what is wrong with me!

It's SOMETHING.

I can't reconcile how trauma can cause me to feel so god-awful different than other people?! I walk around in this world pretending I'm normal, but I know I'm not. T says it was the neighborhood kids' abuse and my beatings at home...then later the abuse I suffered from Pdoc#1 and pdoc#2.

But I've ALWAYS been this way. Even my TEACHERS didn't like me. WHY?
I kept returning to grade school all hopeful and happy to see the new teacher, the bright colors, the activities....but I was always in trouble.

Even when I excelled in choir in middle school...I was the only kid in my CLASS to receive a FIRST PLACE in our district-wide solo competition. The competition was held at (University) and I WON. When my class's choir instructor called me up front to receive my medal and certificate, he sneered, "Here." I'm not making this up. I know he was unhappy none of the other class received a "first" but he hated that *I* had received one.

I'm saying, I have always been odd. I have never belonged. My Bluebird scout leader didn't want me in their troop! I was just a little kid.

These people, these teachers and scout leaders were objective people. They didn't know about beatings at home or bullying by neighborhood kids.

Everyone saw me as different! I kept hoping it was just that I was immature and I would catch up....or people would eventually be less cruel. That never happened.

I don't have brain damage. It can't be that. If I had Asperger's then everything would make sense. If I don't have Asperger's then nothing makes sense!

I can't explain, even to myself, how PTSD alone is responsible for how I interact in the world.

I have had siblings ask, "What's wrong with YOU!?" How can I explain it's because dad beat me? The children bullied me? This happens to MANY children and they get along in the world.

They don't feel alien!

t, it doesn't... i don't... you... i... oh.
i never
understood
til now.

I feel like giving up.

Ts, just go already. We each have one more session but what on earth am I supposed to say when you're both going to be gone for two months?

So we brought back painting and doing things for fun to keep me busy. But I feel like I shoved a big cork in my brain. I don't have the memories anymore, I turned them off. I know they're somewhere just out of reach but I don't remember what they are. This will keep me safe while you are gone, maybe, but when I remember them again how's it going to go? Will it be by choice or will it hit me when I'm least expecting it? Will it be another crisis? Will I lose another job over it?

^ 2 months?!! omg!! i'd die

sending you internet hugs

So hopefully it's ok if I respond

Trauma as a child actually rewires your brain . Your neural connections are still growing, your receptors are still developing sensitivity, your ability to make decisions and process emotions are developing STRUCTURALLY in your brain.

A sense of permanent "wrongness" is a direct result of childhood trauma because your brain IS different. It's not BAD but it requires time and attention to understand.

Also, the objective people in your life weren't really objective. Humans are social primates which means we are constantly unconsciously oriented towards gaining tribal status. When you are an abused/unwanted kid it's almost like everyone around can sense you are a scapegoat. Kids preschool age will avoid a kid they perceive as unpopular

Because underneath it all we are highly evolved apes all of whom want the closest spot to the fire.

Well I've started to process what you said to me. It's unfortunate I can't talk to you about it for nearly 3 weeks. It's a lot to take in, a lot to make sense of. I'm happy we had that discussion, but I don't know how I can last three weeks without talking to you about it.

It's finally sinking in, t.

It took almost too much to get here. But I get it now.

Yeah idk how I'm going to make it

I'll be out of the country for two of the weeks at least.

Perfectly fine that you respond. Appreciate the feedback.
T said even the teachers can get pulled into this tribal mindset-especially so in the 50's-70's when I was in school.

I contacted a local autism organization about getting referred for a full adult assessment.

If I weren't about to spend the next six hours on a plane, I would probably be doing something to hurt myself as much as possible.

Time is standing still!

If we don't board soon I am seriously thinking of just walking out of the airport and disappearing I don't know where. Run away and hide.

I can't survive my life anymore, and I don't care how many times I'm told I'm resilient, there's a limit and I'm pretty sure I have hit mine.

Hope you're having a great vacation

Honestly, you made me feel like I matter on Thurs, the last time someone did that for me? I have no idea. It meant so much.

I feel so incredibly alone T

I'm ashamed of what I told you

Why am I so screwed up? Broken? Destroyed?

I'm not sure you can fix me. I don't think I can be fixed. Maybe I'm just supposed to be unhappy forever.

Dear T,

I feel pretty ****ing pathetic.