Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

I'm back from my sojourns and thinking about you. Miss you.

L, you know what? i just realized something. I can use my stubborn-ness here for good. I've been afraid that if we don't manage to end amicably that I will spiral and lose all the progress I made. But you know what??? I won't, because I am stubborn and I refuse to let that happen. Yes sometimes I can be a stubborn PITA as you so delicately told me that one time during a phone session. But sometimes stubborn is a GOOD thing.

Maybe I can convince my stubborn-ness to help me get over this too. Maybe.
me

I have a letter that I wrote for you. I spent all day yesterday writing it -- yes, ALL day -- and it's only two pages long!

I feel embarrassed that I spent so long on such a wimpy two-page letter. Well, technically it's one and one quarter pages long... not even one and a half!

I will feel sooo awkward handing it to you, but I've decided this is something I must do.

I even put smiley faces in there so that you don't hate me! SMILES. SEE? SMILES. HAVE SOME MORE DAMMIT:

Oh. Hmm. L, remember I had wanted us to do a sand tray together? Is that completely off the table now? Maybe that would be a peaceful way to say goodbye, we can put our feelings into the sand together? Y'know like for transmutation? me

TD, you know we spoke about the invite I got to the BBQ at my old workplace, well I decided to go!! Yeah I know!!! OMG eh? My anxiety was through the roof & I couldn't hold a glass as I was shaking so much. However, after about 3/4 hour, I was able to relax a bit. I've got some closure now & am pleased I went. I so wanted to text you to tell you, but I've managed to hold on to it, but I can tell you about it tomorrow.

PS.....I love you so very much. You are my guardian angel.

Dear t,

Things are worse than you think. I can’t break these bad habits. I’ll admit I only half want to but I need you to help me want to fully. Please?

Therapist,

I called you the short-hand of your name. When I entered the office, you'd tell your colleague, "It's just Calilady" meaning that you could be yourselves around me. No pretenses or masks and you showed me a bit of yourself. I'm grieving the loss of you now. Short spurts of crying that come in erratic waves, with no warning at all. Truth is I miss the old you. I don't recognize the woman you are now. You've lost weight and are in fabulous shape, but the short dresses and you constantly pulling them down so I couldn't see was a bit distracting.

I want us to go back to the woman who didn't wear cocktail dresses to our appointments and moved her office on the Rodeo Drive version of our area. The new office didn't feel like home or "your throne" as you called it. Soon, you'll be getting a payment from me, but this time, in the mail. I'll have to make it clear that this isn't a test and you don't need t contact me to invite me back to another session.

Remember when I told you that I was convinced I was straight and I'd never leave my husband? You asked me what I wanted help with, to accept my feelings for women or put them away. At the time, I wanted to put them away, but I saw the look of sadness on ur face when I said it. When I transitioned from straight to bisexual to gay, you never judged me. You listened t my stories and they never shocked u.

How did we end up here? How did it go so downhill in months? I saw another therapist. The appointment slid into my lap when I forget to cancel and then you cancelled out appointment less than 24 hours away from it.

It's like I don't recognize you anymore.

Hugs Cali that's how I feel about my t right now. That I don't know her.

Oh gosh, hugs to you as well. I've read your posts and I can certainly identify with all of it- along with the desire to leave them before they leave us.

It'll be okay...

I like ur greying red beard

Dear t,

I miss one of my old ts. She seemed to care about me more than you. When you asked what I needed to have me trust you more I didn’t answer but the answer is I needed you to seem like you care more. But I’m not telling you that because I don’t want you to fake caring about me.

I don't know whether i am truly tired or just so broken i can't remember how to move

I can't tell either of you how badly I feel because the Smaug episode pretty much trained me not to. Because if a psychiatrist dumps a patient when they're not at risk, what would happen when they are at risk?

S (ex-T)

My daughter just took her first steps. I've got a video...
I would always always send you these videos...
It's killing me thinking what milestones you may never get to see or know, and maybe you don't even care... but it matters to me.
I miss you.

Dear former pdoc, former T, and current pdoc/T,

Y'all. I have been patient with you but HOLY CRAP YOU NEED TO GET YOUR COLLECTIVE S**T TOGETHER. I know that I am one of those high-functioning people with depression and am also a health professional BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU LOT ARE ABSOLVED OF RESPONSIBILITY WHEN IT COMES TO TAKING CARE OF ME. I AM STILL YOUR PATIENT AND THEREFORE I NEED YOU TO DO SOME S**T FOR ME THAT I AM INCAPABLE OF DOING MYSELF BECAUSE I AM TOO EFFING SICK.

You all know that I am super not well. Two inpatient stays and countless med trials and the fact that I FEEL AWFUL ALL THE G*DDAMN TIME despite 2-3x/wk therapy for the past two years is sufficient evidence to indicate "not well" to anyone who is paying attention. SO WHY THE EFF ARE YOU BLAMING ME FOR HAVING A SHRINK WHO ISN'T CAPABLE OF CARING FOR ME even though I started working on this three months before I moved and I interviewed 8 providers over the phone and none of them would take me because insurance/complicated meds/ too busy. I TRIED. REALLY HARD.

**ck you all.

(And just as much as I hate all of you, I hate myself for needing you, for being so ****ing sick that I allowed myself to depend on you.)

J (current T),

I told you too much on Friday. I feel sick to my stomach thinking of what I told you of my history of intimacy, etc. Though yet another part just can't muster the courage to care what you might think of me.

I miss S.
I hate you.

Because they aren't Smaug. Have you asked CW or Informatino anything about crisis-related stuff?

J,

I just realized that tomorrow will be 14 days of not speaking with S
it feels like eternity
and in a couple of weeks, you'll be gone for 21 days
even longer than the eternity that has just passed

I'm not strong enough
I'm not strong enough to not go back to S
Not with you being gone to
I'm not strong enough for this

S

I hate you I hate you I hate you I HATE you
I hate you for leaving me
I hate you for replacing me
I hate you for f-ing me up
I hate you for everything
I hate you for convincing me that i could trust you
I hate you for convincing me that you wouldn't leave
I hate you for telling me you loved me
I hate you for getting me to love you
I hate you for pretending you were so perfect
I hate you for telling me you'd keep me safe
I hate you for knowing you needed help and not getting it
I hate you I hate you I hate you
I hate loving you

I'm not eating food again. I can't have drugs so I guess I'm just starving myself? What's my deal. Can someone kill me please

No. For the same reason.

Thanks for answering my post.

How can you not eat?? I get like the cartoon guy crawling across the desert looking for water. My brain just stops functioning, i start seeing stars. Plus i get REALLY crabby. You guys think im crabby already, HA! Ha, i say, ha!

I've learned to ignore my body's signal for hunger so much that I rarely feel it and when I do I am able to ignore it

even asked in a general sort of way? i'm sorry you are in so much pain.