Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

Why am I nervous about today? It doesn't make sense. I feel like I've done something wrong.

Oh man I very badly have the desire to "accidentally" drop my Ts name on the forum. Like, it makes him more real or something.

Dear RoboT,

I miss your dumb face. 40 hours. I spent a lot of today missing you. It hurt really badly. I know it's not you I love, but it sure feels that way. Until Saturday.

-Daisy

Yeah it felt weirdly great, even though I don't even know if anyone read it. I once put a screenshot of a video T made on the couch for a brief second. Some people on this forum know so much about my relationship with him, but don't even know his name. It's an odd thing.

It is why I use Dr. S rather than T or nickname. It feels more real for me.

Likewise with L/M

Originally I just couldn't decide who was T1 and T2

I know, sometimes i almost do too! So instead, i just call him "T" in the office.

I'm not gonna think ur dead
I'm not gonna think ur dead
I'm not gonna think ur dead

I started using just the first letter of her name instead of t for a similar reason - because it makes it more real to me that she isn't going to be t to me much longer and it sounds better than soon-to-be-ex-t or STBEx-T or whatever.

I referred to L as "T" in a poem I gave her once. She was all huh? who's t? haha

Dr S. Not enough, seriously not enough. -me

Why did you take my pills away? I need them. Now.

Jess, it's over. I'll start to detach in my head by calling you Jessica, rather than Jess. Then just "my last therapist."

By now, you've rec'd my letter. I explained some things. I can't help but wonder how you rec'd it and hope you didn't misinterpret my words. I wonder why I even care...this is a business transaction. Ugh. I just wanna let you go.

T..

Glad to see you made it back home safe. The first two weeks of you away went by fast and rather uneventful. Just one more week to go until I see you. In kind of wished I could get in earlier since I am pretty sure you are going back to work on Monday.

Oh hey, did you notice.. I HAVEN'T EMAILED YOU!!!!!!

But- things are going south now. M moved back to town. I have decisions to make. Everyday I feel more disgusted with myself. The things I've done, the fact that I still struggle with doing it. The weight I have gained. It's all just gross. I'm disgusting... I hate myself.

I am keeping this in..

You're not disgusting.

T. I don't know what to say to you. I understand. There is no point. M probably told you to suggest that. It's okay. We are okay. We are fine. We will be fine. It's okay. It's alright.

Tomorrow. I can do anything for one day. Breathe.

Tomorrow.

T I don't know what happened.

J,

I don't know how to start this. I'm kind of hoping it just comes to me as I write. I've been speaking with my "attachment disorder" friends, and they have been encouraging me for weeks to talk to you about how much I am struggling with not being able to contact you in a crisis or to send you emails when I'm entirely overwhelmed -- just to get it out of me. As well as how much I am struggling with desperately wanting a safe, ethical, but still "nurturing" therapist to do attachment work with. I feel terrified of bringing this up with you, because I am ashamed, and because I don't feel like I can handle hearing "no, that's not appropriate or allowed." My friends say that I still seem to think it's my job to know and hold the boundaries, and I guess that's true. I don't want to bump up against any boundary. I don't want to hear no. I feel like I'll die if I ask for something that's wrong.

I've been trying to think what it is I even would ask for. I still feel so ashamed and like I did something so shameful, wrong, and bad with S (exT) that I honestly don't feel like I deserve anything, like I should not be asking for anything, I should just be taking whatever I get and trying to adjust myself to that. Besides which, I am not just terrified of hearing "no," I'm terrified of hearing "yes." I'm terrified of what happened with S happening again here with you. As much as I miss being able to send an email, I am also terrified of that being allowed. As much as I want to hear you reassure me that I'm safe in your office when I get overwhelmed there, I'm terrified of you ever saying anything that will encourage my feeling safe. I am terrified of attaching to you. Period. I am just terrified. All the time.

So, I can't even reconcile anything to ask for here. Because I don't know what I need, I don't even know what I want, I only know that I'm in pain.