Male vs Female Therpist....

What is the thought behind chosing a therapist that the male vs female thing might make a difference. I know that after a while I thought my male pdoc became somewhat unisex or .... I was able to talk about pretty much anything.

What is the female/male thing and did it make a difference when you chose your pdoc or T?

I wanted a female. My relationship with my adoptive father was good enought and had no longings to be loved by a man in that way, but I'd always wanted that female love.

my mother was invasive / intrusive. i find it harder to build a good rapport / attachment / working alliance to females. that being said, it can be done, and i've had a good working relationship with a female therapist.

generally speaking... i prefer to work with guys. attachment comes quicker. a little bit of idealisation, yeah, but it facilitates a good working relationship. erotic attachment. my dad was always so far away... and i just longed to be closer.

I chose a female for all my docs. I was abused by a man so trust has been a huge issue for me with men.

I had bad relationships with both males and females. I never had a relationship with a father tho, and my relationship with my mother was completely messed up. I think I looked more for a female T because I thought they would understand the relationship better.

Always had a wonderful relationship with my father; still do.

My mother is........... yeah.

But I never had the desire to go find a mother-figure type in therapy.

I don't feel as though I could ever connect with a woman like that.

I have a male pdoc, therapist, gyno, dermatologist, and primary care physician. I get irritated when I have a female professor.

I normally want a man T or Pdoc. But when I was given this T I didn't have a choice it was just assigned to me and Dr. McCann is a woman but she seems to be ok. I normally have a hard time with women doctors they don't seem to know what they are doing..I know its a generalization but it seems to be the case in my life.

I think though it will be easier to have a woman now beings the stuff I have to work through. I'm having a hard time with all men in my life not trusting them not to hurt me. So having a woman to talk me through the pain might help more.

Jbug

You can either go for the one that feels "right" for you and your circumstances or issues or the opposite and work "cross grain". If you have a problem with "men" or were abused, etc. it might make sense to work with a male to work on those issues or, if you don't "like" women it might be interesting to try exploring that. It's all up to you and how well you can get to know yourself and whether you think you might be "avoiding" one sex or the other/certain problems or wanting an "easier"/more comfortable route, etc. I had female problems so didn't start doing really well in therapy until I had a female therapist to help me work them through.

I also only want a male therapist. I wonder sometimes if it's because it was hard to connect with my dad. He was very loving, but I often felt like we just reported to each other on what we were doing. You know, like a book report. There was never much talk of emotions or feelings though he did tell me he loved me. There wasn't much talk of feelings in general in my family -- just none of us had ever been taught to connect in that way. My mother was a bit overbearing though, and that may be why I don't like the idea of a female therapist. Whereas I do like the idea of connecting better with a father-figure. Certainly I've ended up viewing my therapist as a father-figure..... I know I couldn't have the relationship I have with him with a female therapist. It just wouldn't work for me (nor would I be willing to try it).

Sidony

I have had disasterous relationships with women in the past. My primary abuser was a woman. Since that time, I seem to perfer men when it comes to the more intimate things. Call me weird.

I chose a male counselor after having FOUR female counselors. My experience was such that women tend to be more. ..demonstrative. . .with their concern, affection, whatever you want to call it. Having someone reach over and pat me on the shoulder, the knee, somewhere and say, "It's ok" just pushed me over the edge, repeatedly. NO man in his right mind is going to touch a female client unless its truly therapeutic and he has permission. Women are just too touchy for me.

I've had both... but the best have been male... gotten the closest to... and the best comfort, support... women for me.. are too "in your face".... type...confrontal..

I am much closer now to my T (a guy), than I was to my last T (a woman). I don't know if it's a gender issue or a timing thing. I just don't know if it could have been both.

My mother was very very distant, dissociated and rarely present. My father was a drunk. So, actually a toss up. I was abused by my family members of both genders.

I do feel very very close to both T and PDoc now, both men, so go figure. I tend to gravitate toward the guys table at lunch.....ah.....

You know, I've been living in a locker room for the past 25 years (hubby, 3 sons).

I wonder if I have gone with the men as the women are harder to fool?
That thought came to mind and that makes me cringe as I felt that I have always worked to be honest. Does this thought ever pass anyone else's mind.

I couldn't imagine "playing" with a woman T. Or bantering. Or being candid. For example, on Friday I told my T, "I wanted to call you and tell you what an %#@&#! you are, but I really couldn't find a reason for calling you an %#@&#! this week, so that's why I didn't call."

For some reason I just can't imagine saying that to a woman.

My 1st T was a woman.

Well yes... I can see that the nuances would differ. Hard to get the head around all of what that might mean but I can see where you are going with that.

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SecretGarden said:
I wonder if I have gone with the men as the women are harder to fool?
That thought came to mind and that makes me cringe as I felt that I have always worked to be honest. Does this thought ever pass anyone else's mind.

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I can't imagine being able to fool my T (a male). I think whether or not you can "fool" them is just a factor of your relationship, not their gender. For me, I'm just more comfortable with males. I think I'd be unwilling to listen to a female or take her suggestions. It's just who I am. But if you find that you hold back somehow with males, you could always try a female T. I think it's best to be where you're comfortable and able to grow though, so you'd have to decide that.

Okay that was rambling but hopefully there was a point in there somewhere.

Sidony

No that was good.

I do not know what to do. A woman scares me probably but not sure if I want another man therpist/pdoc.

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pinksoil said:
I couldn't imagine "playing" with a woman T. Or bantering. Or being candid. For example, on Friday I told my T, "I wanted to call you and tell you what an %#@&#! you are, but I really couldn't find a reason for calling you an %#@&#! this week, so that's why I didn't call."

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I think some of that is just good old fashioned "flirting" like we may have done with our fathers? :-) I remember after my mother died and I was 3-4 and my father got me all dressed up for a birthday party down the street only it was a week too soon and I knew it and kept "arguing" as he's dressing me but, who listens to a 3 year old? :-) So we get there and the %#@&#! stands at the curb and sends me up to the door! LOL and he and the kid's mother do the conversation over my head about how it's a week too early. . . But I can still feel the comfort/"sturdy"/supportive feeling of his putting the dress over my head and pulling one arm through one armhole then the other, all the while I'm protesting a mile-a-minute but leaning against him and letting him dress me anyway.

Then there's my stepmother. We're all newly married, I'm 5 and it's late at night and I'm pretending to be asleep in the backseat of the car so my father will carry me into the house and put me to bed like you would a younger child only my stepmother knows I'm faking it and insists he put me down and make me walk. . . The women know us because they were us. Much harder to "play" with, I agree, but not impossible. There are women's jokes that men can't get and the whole women's intuition thing that can be cozier with a woman so you don't feel so freaky/lonely.

Women are irrational, that's all there is to that!
There heads are full of cotton, hay, and rags!
They're nothing but exasperating, irritating, vacillating, calculating, agitating,
Maddening and infuriating hags!

Henry Higgins, "Hymn to Him", My Fair Lady

Well I have had both male and female therapist, I liked my female therapist, but was going to her for the death of mom, she referred me to my T now. I remember first hearing his name, and saying to myself. I will never open up to this guy!! He is a guy!! I cannot trust them at all!! Go figure that it is easier to tell him things then it is to tell my husband. I do think it is the person, the connection, whether male or female there has to be a connection and trust!! I can talk to T about anything, and not feel embarrassed or judged, not so sure I could talk about sexuality with another female, one that hasn't been where I am.......maybe it is just my hang-up!!

I prefer a male, only because of what was said in another post, I know he won't go where I do not want him to(touching,hugging) there is compassion on both sides but it is different, my female T would always ask if it was ok for safe hugs, and I would welcome them, but the few times we touched on sex, my husband wanting it and me not after mom's death.......it just didn't feel right!! I was embarrassed to be talking to her about it.

When my T now brought up the CSA, I felt myself saying, crap here it comes, I am going to have to say something, and it wasn't nearly as hard to talk to him as I thought it would be. He took his time with me!

SG, when I first got a counselor through my EAP, I thought a woman would be best, because I thought a male would ally himself with my husband. The female aspect of my counselor was fine, just her approach (CBT) was not a good fit for me.

Then I found my current therapist, a male. I went to him because of his expertise (divorce specialist) not because he was male. I did have a few twinges of doubt because he was male, and I told him this much much later on, and as he said, "well, we put that worry to bed right away, didn't we?" And now I see that his maleness, actually, has been really helpful to me. I am coming off a 20 year marriage with no support, emotionally abusive, etc. It has meant so much and been so therapeutic to go sit with a male once a week and have him be nice to me. It's just been really healing to have a man be nice to me.

On the flip side, last week I went to go see a child specialist for my kids. She is a therapist and needs to interview the parents too. I really, really liked her a lot. She had a different view from my T, and it was really helpful to me. I also found it easier to tell her some of the sex stuff, and it was the first time we met (although it was a mega half day session). I'm not sure I would be comfortable enough with a strange man the first time I met him to spill such intimate details.

If I ever went to see a therapist again (if I terminated with my current beloved male T), I might very well seek out a female because I think I might forever be trying to recreate my current T in other male Ts I would seek out. A female T wouldn't have that to live up to. She would just be so different from my T by virtue of her gender, that I could just appreciate her for herself, instead of constantly comparing.

Sunny... sigh.... With your CBT therapist were you able to emote or were you (or your T) constantly correcting your emotions?

I think I need this DBT but it is not really hitting the unconscious but hey I have only done it for 2 1/2 sessions this week.

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SecretGarden said:
What is the thought behind chosing a therapist that the male vs female thing might make a difference. I know that after a while I thought my male pdoc became somewhat unisex or .... I was able to talk about pretty much anything.

What is the female/male thing and did it make a difference when you chose your pdoc or T?

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It seems to me that you are comfortable with him and are able to trust him.
I have always chosen a female because I feel very uncomfortable with a male. It goes back to the type of relationships that I have had with men.

I wanted a female and wanted a motherly kind of female. She isn't but she provides what I need, knowing that about me.

I have had both male and female therapists/pdocs. Prior to my current T, the others were CBT or REBT and the most helpful was a male psychologist who did the REBT. He was intelligent, warm, funny, and brotherly.

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SecretGarden said:
Sunny... sigh.... With your CBT therapist were you able to emote or were you (or your T) constantly correcting your emotions?

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Yes, I was able to emote. I went to her at the depths of my most depressed, crying a dozen times a day, not able to sleep, trudging around all day or being unable to get up and go to work, etc. Some days I would try to drive to work and couldn't get more than halfway there due to general crying, sobbing, being a basket case. This is the sunny she saw. I went to see her and cried every time. She provided a safe place to cry. No, she never tried to correct my sorrow. How can you "correct" someone who is grieving? I have never associated CBT with the practice of rejecting the client's feelings. I know many CBT therapists focus a lot on correcting faulty thinking patterns. We didn't have to do a lot of that because I am a really good thinker. I'm a trained scientist and know how to think clearly and logically about everything, including, for the most part, my life.

My therapy with this counselor did not include working with my unconscious. Honestly, that never came up. It was more practical-oriented, such as here are some things to do to help your depression symptoms. The big ones she recommended to me that helped were getting more sleep (we worked on this a lot!) and sharing my problems with other people, creating outside resources of support for myself. She was, however, focused on alleviating symptoms of depression, rather than getting at the cause of my depression and helping with that once and for all (that's what my current T did). So I felt somewhat better after seeing her, but my depression was not gone, just the symptoms less severe.

Anyway, that was my experience. She was helpful in her surface way, and never rejected my feelings and emotions.

What's REBT?