[Inner_Firefly]

Last session I told T that I don't trust therapy to fix my problems; I believe that only my own effort can save me.

Why would I waste time explaining my problems to T, when I could be taking concrete action towards my goals?

She said she doesn't quite agree, she can see things that I wasn't seeing. So I asked what she saw, but she said it didn't matter, that I should do what I feel is right for me.

I'm afraid T is frustrated that she can't help me unless I attend sessions.
I'm so attached because she's been my T for 9 years, but I hardly ever see her anymore because I'm too busy fixing my own problems.

[ElectricManatee]

My T sees all kinds of things that I don't see. Usually it's pointing out patterns in my relationships, but sometimes she will notice negative thought patterns or my repeated usage of a particular word that strikes her as worth pointing out (often it's a gateway to deeper meaning). I appreciate that she has a more long-term view of my life and can make connections to my past that I am sometimes too caught up in the day-to-day to notice. She also carries respect and affection for me when I'm too depressed to feel it for myself.

If you value your own ability to solve your problems, what about seeing your T as a consultant who can help you troubleshoot? Maybe work out goals together, you go make changes in your life, and report back on your progress? Sometimes just being able to bounce ideas off somebody who knows and supports what you're trying to accomplish can be enormously helpful.

[stopdog]

The woman is never seen anything that I haven't seen. She has no great insight. I use her to say things to that other people would get upset about and I tell her not to talk.

[feileacan]

My T thinks that he sees things in me that I don't see. I have no way to check whether it's true or not. I'm generally very self-reflective and I see my patterns quite well myself and I personally most certainly don't need anyone to help me troubleshoot or work out my goals. Mind you, I don't think these things are in any way my T's business.

When my T points something out to me then there are two possible scenarios: 1) Either I know it already myself or 2) I don't recognise it at all, in which case what he said is useless to me. He may argue that what he said has something to do with me and I for some reason just can't accept anything from him but to me it doesn't matter - if I don't recognise it as anything related to me then there is nothing I can do with these things and so they will be useless.

I do have other parts who think differently than the one who's writing now but right now I don't have access to them to say what they think about it. I just know that these other parts find the T more useful than I've described here.

[BudFox]

No therapist I've been to has had any greater insight than anyone else. They just sold it better, and dressed it up to look special.

I think what therapists do is exploit self-doubt. They know people don't trust their own insight and intuition.

Some of them even seem to profess greater knowledge of you than you. For me that is where things get nuts.

[mogwaifn]

I think a bad sign in a T is if they routinely make insights right at the end of the session and do nothing else.

A friend pointed it out once - in college he had a lot of psych students in his circle. With very few exceptions they seemed to have that creepy judging stare inexperienced Ts get and every conversation he ever had they would let him speak, giving that stupid stare saying nothing meaningful and ...right... ...at... ...the... ...end... make some clever sounding observation. It's a cheap amateur therapist trick to keep you going to therapy - say nothing much throughout the session then right at the end say something for you to stew on for the week. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Any time I've seen this the T has turned out to be a jerk and/or tried to make themselves sound more perceptive than they are making observations a 3 year old could make (and usually stuff you already know).

Good therapy is vastly different. One T I had knew anxiety inside out. Any observations were when needed and she didn't act like some higher form of being. There's a lot of aspects and angles to this - with her in one session I had screwed up badly. It wasn't just that she acknowledged that I regretted it (my previous T would have said something like 'you don't realise you regret it' or some similar BS) but over time I made certain moves to build bridges with people. It's hard to explain but it all came from the therapeutic relationship and it all started with her making good observation without trying to massage her ego.

[mogwaifn]

Originally Posted by BudFox

I think what therapists do is exploit self-doubt. They know people don't trust their own insight and intuition.

Sums it all up for me, tbh.

I once met an ex-nurse T socially that got it into her stupid little head that I needed medication. I'd used to be on beta blockers and were taken off them thanks to SUCCESSFUL THERAPY. She started twisting things like that playing this game where she'd listen to 0.0001% of what I was saying and trying to catch me out. Trying to make out I'd run away from medication I needed to be still on. She eventually 'caught me out' and declared in a savagely disapproving tone that what I had done was 'intellectualising' and dispragingly 'maybe discuss that with your therapist' knowing full ****ing well I'd completed therapy 4 years ago (it was clearly a side swipe at the work I'd done in therapy just because she didn't like what I'd said about the profession). Then, like a pig in ****, she condescendingly described the benefits of therapy as if to say I was rejected it - it was an implicit attack on my social skills.

It really messed with my head and exploited my self doubt. Did I do enough? It was only days later that I went 'hang on a second' and fully realised what she had done, particularly after discussing the incident with my boss who had known me before the therapy and where we had discussed it before. Aside from him noting the vast difference in social skills I had (which I had seen myself), for starters she either clearly had no clue what beta blockers are or deliberately decided to play ignorant. And I had not only discussed intellecualisation as part of my therapy I'd cut it out. It's very easy to 'see' social deficiencies in someone if you want to see them or if, as in her case, you have a bee in your bonnet about what someone is saying about your profession.

There are some many scumbags like her that call themselves 'therapists' out there. But not all Ts I've met are like this. My last 2 have been all about me making the observations and them just being there to guide me so I don't do something counterproductive - occasionally they would make observations but I really noticed the lack of assumptions or jumping to conclusions with them. The thing I didn't realise is the strength of evidence base behind certain techniques - the other Ts I've met could learn a thing or 2 from them.

Originally Posted by Inner_Firefly

Why would I waste time explaining my problems to T, when I could be taking concrete action towards my goals?

Although I agree with what the others have said about the possibilities through T, at the end of the day if you don't see the point, and/or don't get anything from it, and/or don't want it- then seeing a T is a waste of both your time. Why not give it a break until you know you want to see a T?

If feels like roboT sees a lot in me that I don't, at least positive things. He's told me on numerous occasions that I'm well adjusted (given my history), that I'm resilient, that I have a great deal of determination and perseverance.

As far as the maladaptive things? I don't know. Telling me that I'm jacked up doesn't really fit into his whole philosophy of therapy. He leads me to that water myself. He recognizes that I'm the true expert of me, and he typically doesn't question the conclusions that I arrive at.

[InnerPeace111]

I think we will always know ourselves better than any therapist could ever know us.

[satsuma]

If that's how you feel then it seems fine. I'm not a T but I think that if after 9 years you feel you don't need to go to therapy any more, then you will know best, and the therapist should accept this and support you in this. Unless there is a really specific situation like you have been hospitalised against your will or something. Was it for a specific reason when you went to therapy in the first place, and do you feel you have finished with whatever it was?
If so then I think you should leave if you want to.

[mogwaifn]

Originally Posted by Inner_Firefly

Last session I told T that I don't trust therapy to fix my problems; I believe that only my own effort can save me.

Why would I waste time explaining my problems to T, when I could be taking concrete action towards my goals?

She said she doesn't quite agree, she can see things that I wasn't seeing. So I asked what she saw, but she said it didn't matter, that I should do what I feel is right for me.

I'm afraid T is frustrated that she can't help me unless I attend sessions.
I'm so attached because she's been my T for 9 years, but I hardly ever see her anymore because I'm too busy fixing my own problems.

Therapy shouldn't be about doing things fast but 9 years is way too long to still be in therapy.

I suspect the subconscious attracts bad Ts when we're not ready for therapy (or in your case possibly a bad fit) and when we take a break and when we're ready and go back all of that changes. That is why I don't regret not getting back into therapy earlier after seeing a terrible T as the next one was amazing.

In terms of self awareness, don't confuse being very introspective with being self aware. In work and with friends or family the only way to truly be self aware is to look for feedback and be around people that are as honest as the day is long. Reading people's emotions is unreliable and subject to cognitive biases and so is introspection, so having a T make observations is important. I think this is a common misconception - people often forget the phrase 'observant' means 'consistently makes observations' not 'makes an observation or 2'. Plus introspection often involves self processing or intellectualisation - very poor ways of processing feelings and there are better ways that take you out of your head and where real self awareness comes easier.

As I've said in other posts, Ts sometimes fancy themselves too much and make crappy observations, but not all do, so the first question is do the T's observations check out under close scrutiny and the second question is are you ready. Yeah, sometimes what a T says is hard to check but when a T isn't as observant as they think they are they will eventually make an observation that is verifiably BS.

If someone isnt ready, who hears that? Will the T skip their pay check for the next twelve months or will they ******** their way to keep their nice steady income?

[mogwaifn]

Originally Posted by lbahttpro2gm

If someone isnt ready, who hears that? Will the T skip their pay check for the next twelve months or will they ******** their way to keep their nice steady income?

I think the OP will have to just hold their ground and leave if that happens.

One of my earlier Ts tried do that to me and after he took a holiday and I realised I was better off without him I left him. Best thing is to keep it to email communication to limit their sleaze and think 'enough is enough'. It's just life, you have to get out of it somehow.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by mogwaifn

In work and with friends or family the only way to truly be self aware is to look for feedback and be around people that are as honest as the day is long. Reading people's emotions is unreliable and subject to cognitive biases and so is introspection, so having a T make observations is important.

I think the goal should be to cultivate self-knowledge rather than a network of people dishing out advice and insight. I don't see therapist observations as necessarily more relevant than that of family/friends/coworkers, and probably less relevant. Therapists observe you for a scant hour per week, in an unnatural laboratory setting, they are not invested in your life. I also think advice should mostly be avoided like the plague (giving and receiving), and when given should usually be ignored.

[Tea-lover1987]

my t just tells to tell me I overanalize things. he tries to see the good in me that i don't, that Im attacrtive, smart, a good person, not crazy. but sometimes I wonder if he is really sincere or just saying it because he's my t to make me feel better. but what hurts is last session he said I didn't want to get better. said i'm lazy.