[20oney]

This may be a rather silly question. And in fact, just writing it made me face palm a little..

But anyway, between sessions, I always find myself googling away, searching for some kind of connection or answer with/for something. Therapy doesn't come easy to me, I am not exactly in touch with my emotions, or thoughts.. And talking is definitely not my forte. But every now and then, I find something that feels somewhat relevant to what is going on.

Example - I have also had feelings of anxiety, dating way back. But I can't bring myself to say "hey, yeah I get anxiety a fair bit". It has taken a good 9 months of struggle therapy for the T to go hey, that's anxiety! And I sit there like, tell me something I don't know.. But at the same time, I am somewhat relieved that she has figured it out..

It was the same thing with my depression, I told my GP I 'wasn't feeling great', and SHE suggested depression and sent me on my way to therapy and all sorts. Meanwhile, I've probably been aware of this 5+ years prior.

This is an unrealistic expectation that I have toward other people. For whatever reason, I expect/long for them to figure me out. I want them to prove they give enough of a crap to notice my efforts to hide away.

Does anyone else do this? Should I stop doing this? Should I be telling my therapist of this? I do not understand this process or myself for that matter!!

Can't say I've really done that. I knew I was depressed and told my therapists directly. I knew I had been abused and told my therapists directly.

For me, it wasn't that I wanted therapists to figure me out; it was that I wanted them to help me find a way through. It wasn't that I wanted therapists to "fix" me (they can't do that really); it was that I wanted them to help me figure out how to get to a place where I no longer felt broken. But I always knew that was work no one could do for me; I had to be active in figuring myself out and making whatever changes were necessary to find a place of healing.

It doesn't sound like you don't understand yourself; you said you already knew you had anxiety problems for a long time. It sounds like you may want to be rescued a bit. Is that it? I hear that when you wrote "I expect/long for them to figure me out. I want them to prove they give enough of a crap to notice my efforts to hide away."

There's nothing wrong with letting people "figure you out". Sometimes people see things in us that we cannot see, and those realizations can sometimes be important.

That said, I wouldn't expect the average person to figure me out. In some ways I expect my T to do it because she is trying to help me and most of her job is figuring people out.

[20oney]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Can't say I've really done that. I knew I was depressed and told my therapists directly. I knew I had been abused and told my therapists directly.

For me, it wasn't that I wanted therapists to figure me out; it was that I wanted them to help me find a way through. It wasn't that I wanted therapists to "fix" me (they can't do that really); it was that I wanted them to help me figure out how to get to a place where I no longer felt broken. But I always knew that was work no one could do for me; I had to be active in figuring myself out and making whatever changes were necessary to find a place of healing.

It doesn't sound like you don't understand yourself; you said you already knew you had anxiety problems for a long time. It sounds like you may want to be rescued a bit. Is that it? I hear that when you wrote "I expect/long for them to figure me out. I want them to prove they give enough of a crap to notice my efforts to hide away."

Why can't I be like that? I do fully understand that it's all me, the therapist is just there for little support. I don't know if I want to be rescued - I am fairly closed off from the world and am quite content being that way. I want the support without having to bring anything up myself. Like, I need her to figure me out because the likelihood of me opening up is very very low. I don't know what I should and shouldn't talk about, I don't what will happen if I do talk.. It's just untraveled territory for me..

Cheers for the reply!

[feileacan]

I will give just a short answer right now and maybe I have later time for a longer answer. But yes, I definitely want my T to figure me out. I think there are many things I don't tell him just because I feel/think/believe these things become worthless to me when I have to tell them myself without the T figuring out them first.

[LostOnTheTrail]

I want them to prove they give enough of a crap to notice my efforts to hide away.

This is me socially...not so much with R, because she is already there, but I know I do this with friends. There are maybe two people who get a straight answer to the question 'How are you?' in my world at the moment.

[20oney]

Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail

This is me socially...not so much with R, because she is already there, but I know I do this with friends. There are maybe two people who get a straight answer to the question 'How are you?' in my world at the moment.

I would be the opposite in that respect. Socially I need people to back off and not dare cross that border.. T is slightly a little bit in with it.

I generally let people know that I am 'fantastic' or 'excellent'. So so genuine

[luvnola]

No, I don't think so. I went because I wanted help with my eating disorder and depression, so I made my first appointment telling the t I wanted an appointment bc I had an eating disorder and depression. There were some things I didn't tell the t that she did figure out, but her figuring it out was not why I wasn't upfront with her; it was because I didn't want to discuss it. I suppose I'm of the mind that if I want to work on something then it's my responsibility to tell the t. Plus, I'm not one to want to waste time sitting there wondering when the t was going to figure out what I want/need to work on.

Wonder if them figuring it out somehow validates it for you? Like, you know you're depressed but maybe don't think it's that big a deal unless/until the t recognizes it in you and brings it up?

[20oney]

Originally Posted by luvnola

No, I don't think so. I went because I wanted help with my eating disorder and depression, so I made my first appointment telling the t I wanted an appointment bc I had an eating disorder and depression. There were some things I didn't tell the t that she did figure out, but her figuring it out was not why I wasn't upfront with her; it was because I didn't want to discuss it. I suppose I'm of the mind that if I want to work on something then it's my responsibility to tell the t. Plus, I'm not one to want to waste time sitting there wondering when the t was going to figure out what I want/need to work on.

Wonder if them figuring it out somehow validates it for you? Like, you know you're depressed but maybe don't think it's that big a deal unless/until the t recognizes it in you and brings it up?

That's the way! I agree, it is the clients responsibility to bring things up if you want to work on it! I totally agree, I am just so so afraid hah.

I think yeah, as you say it is somewhat validating. I feel like if I say it, I'm almost self diagnosing? I donno. My mind is just a bit of a pest

[stopdog]

No. I expected her to listen to me. I expexted the woman to explain how therapy would work. She failed and refused.
I had no desire to have the woman attempt to figure me out. She fails whenever she makes a misguided attempt to do so.

[Tbhimscared]

I do the same thing! I can never just lay it all out for them and I beat around the bush all the time but I KNOW what's going on so I don't understand why I make it more difficult for myself to feel better and for my T to understand what's going on

[20oney]

Originally Posted by Tbhimscared

I do the same thing! I can never just lay it all out for them and I beat around the bush all the time but I KNOW what's going on so I don't understand why I make it more difficult for myself to feel better and for my T to understand what's going on

It's pretty frustrating hey. Like you know you should just say anything at all, but that's just a little much.. So you just wait.

[here today]

I was a bit of a mystery to myself, so yes I did expect my therapists to figure me out. Eventually a friend did, the T's I'd consulted mostly hadn't, and suggested that I consult a dissociation specialist. The dissociation perspective did help me figure myself out a bit. Could not have done that on my own, I think.

[Demunie]

I do the same thing... I want T to figure me out. To tell me what I'm feeling/experiencing. I feel that, if e.g. I told T that I'm experiencing depression, it wouldn't be valid. For me to "have depression", T needs to tell me that this is what he thinks I'm experiencing. What I think for myself is probably exaggerated. What T says is hopefully more objective (although he has to relay on what I tell him, so... I could also be exaggerating symptoms).

I know that it's my own responsibility to bring things up. I'm just unable to do so because I always feel that my own perception is completly wrong. I do the same with almost everything. Until someone tells me that e.g. a wound looks bad/painful, I won't percieve it as painful (I do feel the pain, but my brain keeps telling me that it's not right to feel pain and therefore I have to be wrong).

I'm rambling. I hope you get my point though

[nottrustin]

I don't think I expect her to figure me out. I do, I guess, hope she could figure thinks out when I beat around the bush, know and understand my facial expressions, and know what questions to ask when I in unable to bring up the topic. She knows if she asks me a question I will not lie to her.

Yes, I honestly expect the therapist to figure me out, instead of wasting meetings on indirectly leading me to a realization and having me confess that realization so the therapist will have no responsibility in this.

Sorry, ranting since I'm currently anti-therapy

[annielovesbacon]

Ohhhh no I relate SO MUCH to this. I don't know why I can't ever just say "my depression has been horrible lately," I beat around the bush until my T says, "Hm, it sounds like your depression has gotten worse?" I feel so stupid because I waste so much time. But yes, I suppose I do expect my T to figure me out, which is an unfair expectation. Ts can only help us when they have all the information they need. (But I'm hypocritical in saying that because I'm terrible at talking and telling my T things lol.)

[20oney]

Originally Posted by Demunie

I do the same thing... I want T to figure me out. To tell me what I'm feeling/experiencing. I feel that, if e.g. I told T that I'm experiencing depression, it wouldn't be valid. For me to "have depression", T needs to tell me that this is what he thinks I'm experiencing. What I think for myself is probably exaggerated. What T says is hopefully more objective (although he has to relay on what I tell him, so... I could also be exaggerating symptoms).

I know that it's my own responsibility to bring things up. I'm just unable to do so because I always feel that my own perception is completly wrong. I do the same with almost everything. Until someone tells me that e.g. a wound looks bad/painful, I won't percieve it as painful (I do feel the pain, but my brain keeps telling me that it's not right to feel pain and therefore I have to be wrong).

I'm rambling. I hope you get my point though

Thank you for rambling! I can relate to this so so much! I wonder, when do it get easier?

[Swimmersusan]

I don't know if I expect her to figure me out, but I do wish she would. Would be so much easier, although perhaps therapy isn't meant to be easy. Would help though.

[subtle lights]

When I'm at home and imagine talking to my T I'm so direct and calmly sharing it all. When I'm actually with my T, I feel like my words had died and I can't say anything clearly. But I have a T who will never ever will "figure me out" because his method is to give me the whole of the responsibility of everything...Which sucks because I'd like him to draw some conclusions. But he will never do that...Also it would make me feel validated and I need that.
I'm trying to get something out of this though, for now...

[Sarmas]

I'm known to do this but I'm also very secretive. If someone figures me out or can tell me things about myself that shows me how well invested they are and how much time they took out of their life to notice me. That means so much to me. Not everyone is capable or willing to figure someone out. I do expect it from my T being that I pay her to sit there and listen to me. I give her hints of how I work and things I've been known to do. I've been seeing her for five years so my expectations of her figuring me out is large. At this point if she hasn't then to me she hasn't been listening and/or doesn't care enough.