In Session Today : Part III

He's probably just stuck in the restroom, like most men.

LOL. Totally a joke. Hope it's not offensive.

He does spend a lot of time in there

Long session notes...
We got into your office. I sat briefly on the couch and then slipped onto the floor. I don’t remember if you said anything here in surprise. It feels like you did. I’m not sure. You asked if I wanted you to sit on the floor too. I said yes. You moved the chair and sat down on the floor. I asked if you were ok, and you said yes but that you’d take a pillow for your back. You said that I should feel free to grab a pillow if I wanted one.

I asked you how you were, you said good. You asked me how I was, I said ok. I was sitting with my legs pulled up to my chest, tucked small. I pulled out and handed you the pirate book and asked you to read to me. You said yes. As you took the book, I said that we are on chapter 3. You said that you were about to ask me what chapter because you didn’t remember. You sat closer and turned to show me the book. I laid down on the floor, curled up on my side. You read the story. I giggled a little and closed my eyes some. I could have fallen asleep if I would have let myself. Maybe I should have. I was feeling young. I started to feel guilty about having you read so much and was about to tell you to stop when you flipped the pages forward a bit and I saw we were almost to the end of the chapter. So I let you keep reading. Once you finished, you asked me if I knew how it ended and I said no, that I hadn’t read past what you had read to me. You said so it is a mystery to both of us. I said yes. You scooted back in place against the wall and I sat back up. I again tucked my knees up to my chest.

Slight pause, and then I said that I didn’t have a topic to talk about today. You asked me how that felt. Pause, pause.. look away. Tears started to fill my eyes. I came back to you and said I don’t know. I said that I was sad. You asked me if I felt it any place specific or where it was coming from. Look away, look back, shrug, I don’t know, I don’t know. I said that I know possibles not sure if that is where it is coming from.

I told you about feeling young today and lots of thinking of you as mommy today. I told you about the walk to session and feeling like I was going to get in trouble when I got here. You asked by you, and I said yes. You asked me if it was about anything specific. I said I don’t know. I said that I didn’t get the journal done. I’m not sure that was it. I’m not sure.

At some point early in the session, I told you I was feeling young. You commented on me talking softly. I asked if I did that when I feel young. You said that you were still trying to figure out what the soft talking was part of. One of us said that I am not always soft when I am young, I said I wasn’t soft when I was playing with the remote control cars, and you agreed. And I said I giggled that first time you read to me the pirate book. You also agreed.

I told you about talking with a friend today and how she had asked a question and how I felt the anxiety increase, rocking, weeping, … you said melt into something. I said I stopped it before then. That I got to “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I don’t want to be here.” Place and I walked away for a moment. I took a break. You asked if the friend respected that. I said oh yeah, I said that we are good that way. I said it surprised me cuz we were talking and I was answering her questions and I just felt the floor go out from under me. You asked about it being a quick drop and I said yes. But I was able to stop it. You said I was and that I did good. I think you asked me how I felt about the friend respecting my need to stop. I said that she felt bad. It wasn’t her fault. It was good that she let me change the topics. I said that we all try to be good about that, respectful. You just never know. I told you that we were talking about something I hadn’t shared with you. The friend had asked me several questions, one of them being how I hoped you would respond and I was fine until I started to answer the question and it just went deep really fast. Needed to stop. That left me in a bit of a funk in my head. Tired, felt almost like how they describe post seizure exhaustion.

I was crying and sad, really sad. I said I should go. You asked me if I wanted to go. I didn’t answer, I starred at the floor. You asked lots of questions, I didn’t answer them, I looked at the floor and back at you. You breathed, I tried to breath, it didn’t work. You said that you didn’t want me to go. That I was always free to a leave if I wanted to. Lots of silence on my side. I think.. I’m not so sure …. you asked me if I believed I should go, I starred at you. You asked me where the thought/belief came from. I said I don’t know. Thoughts… not spoken… “if you are going to cry, go to your room. No one wants to be around someone crying”, “I need to leave”, “Not supposed to be around someone when sad”. I asked you if it is ok to be sad. You said it was ok to be sad in the room, ok to feel anything. I don’t believe you… I think “go to room”. I stare at you. I look at floor. I asked you if it is hard for you. You talk about me trying to protect you. I tell myself to look at you, that you will help calm me if I look at you. I look, I look away. I can’t look at you for long. “people don’t want to be around sad people, I should go, I am bothering you, I am wasting your time.” You say stuff… stuff about it being ok, the room being safe, I can bring whatever here, including sad. I’m not really listening. I think you said something about me a leaving again (not sure), maybe you said you wanted me to stay.

We sit in silence, I look at you. After a bit, I asked you how your weekend was. You said let me think for a minute, I smiled at this. You said it was good. I am still quiet, not talking for a moment. I want to tell you about Grandson, Wife, the weekend, the movie in the park, the wanting you. I want you.

I started to say something or maybe you just said that you wanted to ask if I got to see Grandson this weekend. That you knew I was supposed to see him but didn’t know if I got to see him. I told you that I did, that we had him Friday night and Saturday night. I said that I didn’t get to spend as much time with him because I had too many chores to do.

I told you about movie night. You asked me what movie, I said Moana. You didn’t recognize it, I said it was Disney’s movie from last year. I told you about how I had thought about emailing you because I thought it would be a good situation for you to meet Grandson. How we could meet, do the introductions, and quick exchanges then go our separate ways in a crowd large enough to get lost in. You said a happenstance meeting. I said yes. I said that in the end what I realized is that I wanted to let you know that if we were out (and especially if you knew/thought Grandson was with me) and you saw me, to approach me, in case I didn’t see you. You thanked me and reminded me that you usual policy was to let the client take the lead. You said something else here that let me know that you accepted what I said as “permission” to approach me in public.

I talked about grandson being a little challenging this weekend and told you about the port-a-potty incident and the tot incident. I also told you about him wanting to sit in my lap throughout the entire movie and about the “I love you, I love you, I love you” encounter. I told you that it reminded me of how I feel when I feel the I love you about you, how it is a repetitive statement in my head, for like 3-4 times. We concluded this part with the comment that he was just being a boy/kid.

I talked to you about some of my frustrations with my wife from this weekend. I told you about how she communicated with grandson around the tot incident and then about the household chore stuff. I told you about how she was going to be gone this weekend and possibly the next. I said I was looking forward to the break. I also said I thought it wasn’t good that I wanted such a break. I said something about wanting some down time and not feeling like I was getting any. I told you that I haven’t brought any of this up to wife because of what she brought up a few weeks back. You agreed that this weekend might provide an opportunity to have some me time.

Our time was up. I said that it was that time. You looked over at the clock and said yes. I got sad again. I slowly packed up. I said Thursday. You said something about it coming quickly. I said we’d get through this part and then it won’t be so hard. You said yes.

I thanked you for the email. I said that something happened Saturday night and the notification got cleared. I think you said you were sorry. I said that I still had the email, just … you said it is not the same, that I showed you. I nodded. I thanked you for being here. You thanked me for being here, being me. I got up and sat on the couch. You got up and talked about your hip being stiff. You said that it wasn’t too bad from sitting on the floor but can get stiff in some of the chairs. You said old age. I said something about it sucking and not being able to stay young forever. You said it was better than the alternative. In that moment, I wasn’t so sure. I said something about science discovering new things… you said something about new kidney’s.

I stood, you stood. We were facing each other. I said I love you, you said you knew. I said I miss you, you said you knew. I said I’m sorry. You didn’t say anything. I got the feeling from how you looked that you thought I had nothing to be sorry about. I told you to tell me it is ok. You said it is ok, that all feelings are ok, (something like that). I said that I was going to leave now and cry. We went to leave and you tried to push the door open and it is a pull (or vice versa) which reminded you of a far side cartoon. You told me the story of the cartoon. I smiled. I got to the base of the stairs and you said something about Thursday. I said 71 hrs. You looked puzzled at me, I said it used to be 47 hours now it is 71 hours. You nodded and said 71 hours. You told me to have a safe trip home. I left. These last to things put a slight smile on my face (as did some other things throughout the session). I didn’t start crying until I got on the train to go home.

My T gave me a stuffed animal! She said she wanted to get me one that would make me smile when looking at it because she wants me to use it to cheer myself up, and we are always laughing or smiling in our sessions. It's so cute. It's a purple monster with a silly smiley face. I love it!

We talked about how I'm doing well and seem to finally be out of a depressive episode (been 15 years!). We talked about the things I have changed and how it might have effected my moods. We also talked about my fears around doing better. I told her I have two fears: 1. She'll pull away 2. Afraid of when the depression comes back. She told me to try to just live in the moment and enjoy that I'm content. She said she's not going to leave me even if I'm doing better.

I asked her if she would be there for me if/when I get pregnant. I asked her if she would be there not only as a T, but as a woman and a mother. She said she would. It's scary because in about a month, I'll start Clomid. So the possibility of getting pregnant soon is real. I told her I'd want supoort and advice when it comes to pregnancy and being a mom. But I told her my biggest fear is if I have a miscarriage. She said she would definitely be there for me, but she would also hook me up with referrals to get me more support.

My T is on vacation these next 3 weeks. Luckily, our sessions are 4 weeks apart, so I won't miss/extend any sessions. It's still a little scary because she'll be all the way in Europe. I told her she better have fun! I do still get to email her once a week. She just told me to be patient with her replies as they might be delayed.

But overall, things are going well for me. I really hope it lasts for a long time!

I'm so proud of you and how far you have come! I'm glad you have the T you do, she seems to have done a world of good for you.

Well, this was yesterday, but here goes.
We were just back from a break. I felt anxious that an hour wasn't going to be enough because I felt like the last session needed some processing and so much else had happened too.
I started by saying that it felt like we hadn't had time to process last session. T said he got that from my email. We talked a little about how difficult it had been for me to express concerns he felt unable to post some videos of his hobby online because of me. I said I was surprised by how scared I'd been to talk to him about it. He said he felt we had moved very quickly to having a discussion about love, which might have meant we didn't have long to process my feelings about that discussion. I agreed.
T said neither of us were playing safe last session! We did both take risks. And it went really well. It felt important and gave me confidence to express myself honestly.
I read him a passage which had helped me in the break. He asked me who had written it and I told him. He laughed and said that was his former therapist! That was a big surprise.
We went on to what I had been doing on Tuesday. I had pushed myself quite far emotionally. I had met with a new supervisor and quite dispassionately disclosed all my trauma history and transference tendencies. I felt okay at the time but quite vulnerable after.
I talked to someone else about an aspect of my history which is quite well processed for me. She appeared shocked at some of what I said which had irritated me. When I told T this he said "she had an emotional response to what you said, and you didn't. You felt it was your emotional response to have, not hers" And that was exactly right.
He said he felt a bit protective of me around what had happened on Tuesday and that made me feel really warm and I just looked in his eyes and I told him how I felt.
Then I got my phone out to show him some photos. He didn't respond much to them and was quite quiet. I said "what are you not telling me?" He said "erm...have you got a new phone case?" I said yes. He said "I was distracted by it, that's all".
My phone case has quite a distinctive design, but I thought being distracted by it to that degree was weird. I just looked at him.
He said "oh, I suppose I'd better tell you or you'll keep wondering what the matter is." He said he had just bought the same design case for his kindle. He had been worried he had been subconsciously influenced by seeing my phone case and bought it for some unconscious reason relating to me. I told him he hasn't seen it before as I bought it during the break. He said something about there being no coincidences in psychotherapy.
I sat quiet for a bit. He asked what was going on. I said I was trying to find a way to get past feeling frustrated with him about this without telling him I'm frustrated. I said sometimes there just bloody are coincidences.
He said his response hasn't been positive or negative, it had just been his reaction. I said and this is my reaction to your reaction.
I said one of the reasons we have had such an enduring relationship is that in a lot of ways we are quite similar people. And two kinda similar people might well choose two similar cases. That's all it is.
T said perhaps we need to give some attention to the ways in which we're similar, because those are the places we might miss things. I nodded.
T said that in the last session he had the image of us roped together climbing an ice sheet with our ice picks. He said it's unusual to reach the heights we have reached in therapy, and with the height there are dangerous edges that we need to be aware of. I liked his analogy and I told him so.
It was the end of the session. We hugged and I left.

This started feeling like oversharing. I'm sorry.

Thank you! I've been trying really hard. My T has been so good to me. And the tapering down sessions actually seems to be helping my insecurities. It's forcing me to use my coping skills, and it's also forcing me to trust my T. And she's following through with everything she says, so it makes it easier to trust her. I actually suggested in a couple of months we try 5 weeks per session. I think I can do it!

First session with T in 21 days! It's it went pretty well. It was pretty laid back. There isn't a whole lot to share.. but he did say something to me that are words that I hope to keep in my head. I was saying how I felt like I should cancel my appointment with him, because I know I am depressed. And having panic attacks again, and that meds would help but I just can't bring myself to go back on them. So, why should I go to therapy and talk about being depressed when I know there is more I can be doing. Then he said "Healed, you always deserve to be here." It was good to have that affirmation from t.

Glad t is back!

Current T is off all of next week -- so, won't be seeing her for a couple of weeks.

I didn't feel like talking about anything really. She's off to a state in the Northeast (which she'd disclosed after some hemming and hawing) and so, I mostly started by spouting silly random facts about the state -- she found it funny but also seemed startled and I kinda wanted to tell her that I have a habit of looking up and remembering random trivia and this is not a sign of my woebegone-ness (other things would be but not this trait).

I asked her a question about her therapy -- found out that she'd in fact been to two different therapists and once in her 30s (she's mid-40s now) for 3 times a week sessions for a while. My response was a restrained "Holy crap". It's the first time she's told me about the two therapists thing -- earlier she just said she'd seen one in college and that's it.

Somewhere along the way, she'd asked me if I would see the other T I'd seen now that she was going to be away -- I was like uhh...no. And, she said she didn't think so either. We then got to talking about how she sees therapy as all about the relationship -- so, I told her that it was interesting how her style differed from the other T's (much more cognitive but also kind and empathetic). She later mentioned that the T she'd seen intensively was like that in his style of doing therapy.

We talked some about my anger, how she takes it, my mistrust blah blah -- it was a trifle desultory since I didn't really want to open up that can of worms. She of course did throw it in that my suspicion was entirely transference from my mother (there's never a time when I don't suspect my mother -- with good reason -- of trying to manipulate me at the slightest hint of attachment on my part).

At some point, she asked me how I was doing with her vacation -- I didn't want to answer it and so, I asked her how she'd dealt with her 3x a week T's vacations. She said she remembered scheduling her own vacation around the time and being on the beach and thinking about therapy. I was again mostly like "Oh wow, okay". At this point, I remembered that early on she'd hand out these pieces of paper with her vacation dates and when I'd asked her about it, she said it's so that people could plan their own travel etc around it. And I was like "Really?". It's strange to me for anyone to plan their vacations that way -- I mean it's not because I'm dissing the attachment piece (I do feel a trifle sucker-punched and lost) but because it wouldn't have occurred to me to do that around anyone's vacations (including when my partners went away someplace). I guess maybe mine is the weird response and this is what most people do -- dunno.

She asked me what I'd do these couple of weekends and I told her I'm thinking of getting my motorcycle license by taking the basic rider course -- she said that sounded fun but dangerous to drive a bike. I said yeah, that's kinda the point and left it at that.

At the end, she asked if I wanted to schedule any phone sessions while she's away (I said No), whether I wanted to contact her otherwise (I said No again) and whether I wanted her to contact me (I said No to that too) -- I sometimes wonder how well she really knows me if she thinks I'd ever ask her to do stuff like that when she's on vacation.

I would not schedule my vacation around a therapist's, fwiw.

Handouts with vacation dates on them...and I'm the one with weird therapists?

(Not taking a vacation around a T's + I'm so kicked I now have something to share on the weird therapy experiences spectrum.)

Wait, clients don't get vacation dates handed out well in advance usually (this needs a poll)? I'm serious -- she kinda made it sound like a common practice?

I'm hopelessly disorganized in general and so, I assumed this is the kinda thing that the alien species that consists of hyper-organized people does?

This is making me laugh. I always like to know months in advance when my therapist is going to be away, and I have taken the opportunity to skip town to match when he was going to be away, on more than one occasion... but then we have both tended to travel an awful lot and I have an unusually flexible schedule, so it never seemed weird to me!

Nope. I've been told in advance, by mouth, probably even as far as a month or two in advance, by therapists, but never did they give me a handout.

If I may ask, do you do it mostly so you don't have to miss too many sessions or because it helps with the attachment? If the latter (per current T), I would be a hopeless mess likely in the vacation spot as well and then the misery would forever be attached to that place (reason I hate traveling to some totally new place with a new partner coz the relationship ends and I'm forever associating the place with the person).

I align my time away with my therapists vacations when I can - she charges for missed sessions (though patients get a week of "vacation" time per year where she doesn't charge for missed sessions), so if I can make it work to go away when she's out, then it doesn't cost me anything. She also announced her summer plans in March or April so there was plenty of time to make plans.

Good question! I think it's mostly about not missing sessions. We do often meet by skype if one of us is out of town, so it's not like it matters a ton, but I think I've felt that if we were going to be doing skype anyway I might as well match up his trips with mine. But I have several cities I visit regularly to visit friends and family and it takes me very little excuse to hop over to them, and my life and work tends to be super-portable.

Dear New T,

Should you be telling me about a hot same sex scene in a new movie? I'm lost as to what's appropriate and what's not.

Probably not

Wait. If I'm reading this right, you can't cancel a session when you know you'll be out of town? You have to pay for your regular slot even on vacation? And she kindly gives you a week off a year?

That's ridiculous to me. But I guess if it works for you.

Until recently, my therapist only told me two weeks in advance if she was taking time off. This last time, she asked me if I wanted to know 2 weeks in advance or if I wanted to know right then and I was like, have you even met me before? Of course I wanted to know immediately. She wrote it down for me, but not in pre-printed handout form. She just asked if I would like her to write down the dates, and I said yes. And then I cried...seven months in advance. She lent me a book about one of the places she'll be going, so that was pretty great.

Oy vey! And we talked about boundaries today (that were muddied by former therapist). Yeesh. I think I confuse him cuz I don't look stereotypical gay. That sounds odd to say.

Is this... A straight, male therapist finding out that you're gay and responding by talking about a hot same sex scene in a film...?! That's... Not good.

I mean it wouldn't be good regardless of their gender and sexuality tbh, but that is extra super not good.

Is it meant to be some kind of horrific attempt at bonding? "Ah yes - gay people! I saw them once in a film!"