In Session Today : Part III

I didn't feel like writing at first because I was so unmoved by the session. But actually even though it felt like nothing happened at all, I think a lot was not being said.
I felt like he wasn't there today. He just wasn't really responding a lot. We talked a bit about the phone case and then he directed conversation to how it related to my childhood and I felt like we were pointlessly going over old ground. I said "I feel like you know all this already" he said "I do....im just focusing on...I'm just wondering how that felt for you" I felt like he wasn't focusing on anything and was just scrabbling around looking for something to say. I told him how it felt for me as a child, which I felt he also already knew.
I told him that someone had posited that perhaps I want more than a therapeutic relationship with him on some level. I said I didn't feel consciously that way but I didn't want to dismiss it out of hand because I felt like it could have some merit that I have conflicting feelings about the relationship. I wanted to explore thr possibility that i did in some ways have that desire.
T said "I don't know how to respond to that, I could state the bleeding obvious but that might be insulting." I said it depends how obvious it is. He said "that it's important to maintain the integrity of the therapeutic relationship". I said that is obvious, and we laughed. I said he doesn't have to explain the importance of the therapeutic relationship to me, which he agreed. I said I didn't think the other person was suggesting that either. He said Oh no, I didn't think they were.
But I find myself wondering, if that's the case why didn't we explore the possibility that i do have those feelings instead of reminding me of the importance of the boundaries? Or was he reminding himself of that, rather than me?
I talked about how I have thought about the finite nature of the therapeutic relationship being hard for me to process, and he kept saying he's been thinking about that with me moving further away, that the distance might become hard. It felt like he was saying the ending is in sight. I said I think he underestimates how important this is to me. He said he doesn't think he does.
There were 5 mins to go. I said there's only five minutes left and something has been missing from this session. T said if you leave, what will you feel you have not had from the session? I said connection. T looked at me as though he was trying to maintain eye contact (because that's usually important to me for connection) but I wasn't having it. And I was a bit irritated he thought it would be that easy to fix the lack of connection.
He said that earlier in the session he had felt sad and cross about my childhood stuff so maybe he hasn't been as present as I needed. I feel he wasn't present but I don't know if it was because of that, or if I felt it before.
I feel like we were occupying two different spaces today.

In session today, I told my T that I have been majorly depressed, and I don't think she knows the depths of it and needs to. It was from a letter I wrote to her, that I read it from. I was feeling better today though. She said "This is a silly question, but why do you need me to know how depressed you are?" I didn't know what to say. I said "Because I want you to care. I don't feel like my family cares, and I need someone to." She understood. I also said maybe I want her to save me. And she said she is not a savior. And I said, I know, only Jesus is a savior. We laughed about this. But I really think she SHOULD know about my depression, so that she can help me.

I am in a DBT group. I am SO uncertain about it right now. She is very sure that it will help me, and wants me to trust her, or at least give it more time. I do trust her, actually. I believe that DBT will help me. Just not so sure about the group part. But I will give it more time.

RS--I have had (and dread future) sessions like that.

Well in session today i learned my T is dealing with a big health issue and may be out for several months

oh no that is so terrible on so many levels. i'm sorry.

I'm so sorry about this. I know it won't be the same, but can you ask for an interim T? Keep posting, we will help you through.

Because of my dodgy arm I had to sit on T's other side (so on his right). The way his shirt bunched up I could see right inside, it was just a little bit distracting I wanted so much to put my hand on his tummy (as I have before) but this time slide my fingers in between the buttons.

My t and my chiro are yours for the asking. My gf has started seeing my chiro, so far she likes him. He has given her different exercises to do at home than he gave me - we're checking up on him!

Talked about relationship with wife and my therapy and to continue or stop. T really didn’t want to answer my questions without getting information from me first. Ughhh I hate that. In the end, it was funny because I had already said that I didn't want to stop...I said that wife didn't want me to stop. T in a humorous flabbergasted way exclaimed if you don't want to stop and she doesn’t want you to stop, what are we talking about? A very funny moment. Granted my response was just because it is what is wanted doesn't mean it is best. I finally caved and gave her the information she was looking for to answer the question I asked her.

The final decision is she thinks she can help me with what my concerns are that will allow me to stay in therapy and she feels I have the ability to deal with the challenges.

I folded my body on a couch and laid my head on a pillow for a second. He gave me a little smile as I'm glad you're finally getting little bit more comfortable. It didn't last. Wanted to cry but couldn't. Wish I didn't start talking about it. Now I want to stuff it all back inside and try to forget again. I know, it hasn't worked for me well that way. But I feel like there isn't anyone I could talk about this. He was it and talking to him about it didn't make me feel better. Just feel like s*** again

Good session. We've discussed different things.
I told how important he's to me. And he said: "I can always give you my support, my help... and the "l" word. Love". (omg omg omg omg)

We hugged and he said "happy upcoming birthday"!

Now I'll see him only after 3 weeks I guess

This made me feel sad and not want to feel angry with him

It felt like today made up for some of the ruptures of the recent past. I think I'm too much of a softie sometimes, but he was really sweet and helpful.

I figure I'll post now while I have some downtime before my next appointment (optometrist). I feel very scattered and feel that I may not remember much of my session very shortly. It's already breaking up in bits and pieces. I wasn't paying the best attention.

T said he didn't hear me come in while he was in the bathroom, so he apologized for running a couple of minutes behind. He asked me how I was and I answered with a "meh." I was annoyed. With him. With everything. I brought up again that I was annoyed with him because I felt that he was irritated and dismissive. He said that I was probably picking up on some frustration on his part. He said that we don't have a lot of time left together, and he's not sure whether or not I'll be in a better place by the time we terminate. So he said he's feeling like he wants to get down to work, but that working with people is hard because we're so difficult. He had this analogy where a landscaper can visualize what the grass is going to look like when it's cut, but he doesn't know what the final result ever looks like with his clients.

So he asked if I was still feeling hopeless and that therapy was a waste. I said it was, probably even more so now than I was last week. He asked why, and I said it was because I was never going to get any better. He brought out the Evil Chair for a bit, and he was trying to get me to dialogue with the self-critical part of myself. I tried, but I just couldn't tap into it. What I was able to get out was that I was a failure, and that I couldn't even do the basic things right. Then I started to cry.

It took me a couple of minutes to collect myself, and then I asked him if he remembered why I told him I finally decided to go back into therapy in the first place. He didn't remember off-hand, so I reminded him. "That's right, I do remember you saying that."

I told him about my trip to the ER last weekend, and how terrible all of the hormone treatments made me feel. If my doctor says that I can't take this medicine anymore, then my next step will be the super invasive fertility treatments, and if I'm feeling this badly on the less invasive ones, then there's no way my body is going to be able to take the other stuff. I'm not going to have kids.

We talked about that a bit, how it made me feel about myself (via Evil Chair), and then he asked me to verbalize what it was that I hated about myself. I'm fat, ugly, smell, stupid, crazy, etc. He asked me which one of those was the most hurtful. I chose crazy. Because I can lose weight, I can have plastic surgery, but I'm always going to be crazy.

His argument against that was that I had a horrible childhood, and so there are things that I do as a result of that. It's difficult for me to regulate emotions because that wasn't modeled for me, etc. He asked whose fault it was that I feel this way. I said my own. He was like, "wait, do you really believe that?"

I said yes. Because I can have problems because my dad didn't hug me enough or because my mom abandoned me as a child, but at some point I have to take responsibility for continuing the patterns that I've learned. I know that my personality wasn't created in a vacuum, but now that I know what the problem is, it's mine to fix.

He said that he believed me when I said that it was my fault, but that he thinks that I'm wrong.

I continued and said that therapy at this point was a fruitless exercise because regardless of this new insight to myself, that I'm continuing down this spiral of depression. That I'm impulsive and that I didn't know where my breaking point was anymore. That I felt close. He said that made him feel like he was doing something wrong with me, but that I shouldn't take responsibility for that.

I told him my hypothesis of me having BPD. That I know what the prognosis is, and for all things considered, this is probably the best I'm going to get. He asked me what I know about BPD, and I mentioned impulsivity, difficulty regulating emotions, issues with attachment (idealization/hatred). He said that personality issues are on a spectrum, and that there are times where he hates his wife, but that doesn't make him borderline.

"I mean, when you think about it, what is crazy? Where does Trump fall along that line?" I'll admit, that did make me laugh. But I said that if we're talking about the spectrum of mental illness, that I fall somewhere on the clinical end.

I told him that I feel fraudulent because I present well to the world, but that I am damaged, broken, crazy. I told him I thought I even had him fooled. I have told him everything, and he doesn't see me for what I really am. He short circuited at that moment (haha roboT), saying that he believed me when I said that I wasn't doing well, but that he continued to refer to my resiliency in hopes that it was comforting. I said it wasn't, and that I felt hopeless. But I still continued to go because everything I said was safe. That he couldn't report unless I was a danger to others. Then he added "or to yourself."

Time was about up. He asked me if we were still on for next week. I told him I don't know; the only reason I went today was because I forgot to cancel in time. He said to think about it and get back to him. I laughed and said that I couldn't believe he was letting me leave. He asked if I was going to hurt myself. I said I hope not, but that the day was young. Then he said I'll see you next week.

Wow, I'm surprised he let you go like that, Daisy. Without at least insisting that you keep yourself safe or saying to contact him if you were still feeling unsafe later. I'm sorry, it sounded like a very difficult session. Please do stay safe...

I am too. This is what I meant in session when I told him that he didn't believe me that I was doing poorly. I seem okay on the outside but I'm the hottest of messes.

And he doesn't care at all. No one does.

(((Daisy))) I wish I knew what to say to help. So much pain in your words and I know that I don't know you in 'real life' outside of the forum but I care about you.

Daisy - I left a session once with 3 suicidal (she just thought I was upset - because running out of her office was so me ). Stranger intervention saved the day.

I didn't call her, though I was supposed to if I felt that way, and the whole episode cast a shadow over our relationship for a bit.

I really wish I had called her, because even once I backed down I felt awful (and she was away the next two weeks), and because it did have that effect on our relationship. Can you call roboT? Surely that is not forbidden.

You have a lot going on just now - from fertility treatments to school starting. Please be kind to yourself.

Thanks, guys. I'll manage. I don't want to call T. What would be the point?

MC today. Basically just talked about GREs that I take Thursday (he wished me good luck) and dogs, because H and I are talking about getting one. Like, literally, that was pretty much all we talked about. MC did start by saying he saw he had an e-mail from me this morning, but hadn't read it yet, and should he read it before session, and I was like NOOOO! I mean, no, it's not necessary for you to read that right now, it's OK. (Like, could you maybe have considered that it partly related to the other e-mails???)

Also found out that the dog MC has is a lab, since he asked why we didn't consider those (high shedding level). Didn't ask if black or yellow.

And he said he'd be away the last Monday in August, but that works out, because so will we. So we see him next Wed. (wanted to see him as close as possible to our vacation), then the Wed. after Labor Day.

Left session, H was like, "Well, that was...a session." As in, not much substance. But he said we need those now and then. I got in car, pulled out of parking spot and started sobbing. Because there was so much I wanted to talk about with MC but didn't feel comfortable doing in session. Of course I sent him a text (probably briefly interrupting his next session, so sorry, MC's next client).

And MC was acting totally normally to me and joking around as usual, so that's not what's bothering me. It's more that I wished I could talk about stuff but didn't feel comfortable doing it. And now we don't see him for 9 days, then it's another 2 weeks.

I'm not used to such short session notes from you

I know, right? There really just wasn't much substance at all...I guess I left off the usual "good to see you" and handshake.

Session went well. He continues to be consistent, kind, empathic, he listens to me. He answers my questions. ExT was so difficult years and years ago. Thank you tons, T, for truly helping me get better. As difficult as getting better can be.

Daisydid, how are you? I too am hopeless but seeking chat. I am not suicidal currently. Willing to try and help

Session was meh. I was very tired after reaching a point of exhaustion yesterday and then sleeping very poorly last night. So not in the best frame of mind for therapy.
I think t was frustrated with me. I was frustrated with myself. I felt blank and not present. some other part of me was in the front and I was just sitting in the background, exhausted.
I couldn't remember anything or connect with anything. I said nothing about anything much. She asked questions. I didn't know the answers. I don't know which me was there. t didn't either. Near the end I came to the front and talked a bit about a work thing. Then it was time to leave.
Only three more sessions left before termination.
Meh.