In Session Today : Part III

((Spoon)) ...those bloody trousers...

There was a lot today. I was struck by how she had some really insightful things to say. Ways of thinking about things that hadn't occurred to me.

Apparently I engage in a lot of black and white thinking. It makes sense, but never really talked to anyone about it before. That brought up the concept of dialectical thinking. She gave me homework. Ugh.

I stated to get overwhelmed at the end of session. I felt like she was throwing the spaghetti at the wall a little bit. Figure out what might resonate with me. But every recommendation she made just raised my anxiety level.

She asked specifically if I'd ever tried those adult coloring books. I don't have any, so she said, "are you interested? Do you want a few blank pages?" In that moment I thought of RoboT. I thought I don't want anything from V. I don't want her to care about me. I don't want to be close to anyone. Not anymore.

I said with about 5 minutes left that I needed to be done. She asked if there's anything I needed from her. Was I going to be okay?

Such an open question. Am I going to be okay?

Unfortunately, today’s session felt like a bit of a waste. I ended up spending more time on the funeral than I hoped, and then we segued into a chat about how I feel that because none of it happened in the way I was led to believe, I don’t get to have the emotions.

‘Being three seconds away from a major emotional meltdown at any time is not how I ever imagined living my life.’

‘When you say ‘major emotional meltdown’, you mean being unable to control your emotions?’

‘Yes.’

‘It sounds exhausting, Lost. I mean no disrespect, but I feel tired just listening to you.’

R wondered what would happen if I let my guard down a bit during the day. I said I didn’t know, and I was scared. Letting my guard down during the day would mean that I would have to explain to other people.

We talked a bit about the physical symptoms I am experiencing. I feel they are related to not allowing myself to express the emotions.

We have agreed that next week we will go there. I will need to start with the list I forgot today.

I totally had a good session yesterday. T helped me put my experience of having an inner civil war into words. I told him that my two parts, independent vs. dependent part basically have competing interests. What is and has been really odd for me, is that my independent part is more in control than it used to be. And I've been more motivated lately and it's just weird. I haven't texted T for quite awhile because I haven't felt the overwhelming need to, although sometimes I think that I might want to but it didn't meet my criteria of, it's time to text T now. So, I told T that I didn't feel an intense need, but basically that I think my dependent part might still want to text him but because it doesn't feel like a life or death situation (which it used to feel) that I haven't been contacting him. He told me since lately I have been not contacting him, that maybe I should try texting him this week. I'm not sure what this is going to look like. I am so thankful for him.

The second part of the session was about "I don't deserve you and your hugs, I'm awful" stuff.
He said: "Well, I can't say I really really really care about you like I care about my mother or my son.(I thought he would say "...my wife" and I would die. Because of ET issues). But I even think about you with some warmth sometimes" (some? sometimes?? even??? Wtf )

It was painful, but I know it's true. And I'm glad we talked a lot about ts' families here on PC. I know envy and jealousy are normal feelings.
TMC's words "No, you are not your T's child. Yes, your T's child will mean something to your T that is different than what you mean to him. But, your T's child will not replace you. The feelings your T has towards his child will not take away from his feelings towards you" changed my life.

And now I know he has a son, not a daughter. I feel relieved, haha. I know it's stupid.

We hugged and I left.
I'm a poop.

It's not stupid. I definitely feel much more jealousy and transference stuff if MC talks about his daughter as compared to his son (he has one of each). He used to mainly talk about her, but she's off at college now, so he tends to talk about his son more. Which is easier for me.

MC today. Last week, I'd e-mailed him about what he had told T2 about how I'd found out on my own about his wife's passing. And later sent e-mail saying he didn't have to discuss that with me, that I'd just been worried that things were going well with T2 and he would make him worry I'd be a stalker. And also saying that I just felt weirdly ambivalent about him (MC) lately and wasn't sure if that was, say, the transference fading or something else. I didn't hear back from him, but knew he was out of town for part of this week.

So, session today. He opened by apologizing for not responding to my e-mails. I said I understood, that I knew he'd been away. I asked if he'd read them, and he said he had that morning. And said again that he was sorry for not writing back.

He wanted to know if we wanted to talk about the content of the e-mails or perhaps how i felt that he didn't respond. I said I understood about not responding.

And that maybe I did want to discuss part of the second e-mail. That I felt sort of less connected to him (cue the tears), and I wasn't sure if that's what it felt like for transference/attachment to fade. How I'd expected it to feel different, just a gradual fading away, then suddenly realize I'm not as dependent. But this is different. It's like I feel ambivalent about him. and I don't know what that means.

He said it didn't mean that the relationship (between me and him) was in danger. (More tears). He said it might be different for me seeing both a male marriage counselor and male individual T (since T1 is female). That as I'm connecting more with T2, that could be affecting my relationship with him (MC). That maybe I'm not as cathected to him. He said how I'd been worried about this happening from seeing T2. So maybe I'm noticing it more.

I said maybe in a way I was pulling away from him, how maybe there was almost a push-pull thing going on at times. He agreed with that. And said that even if I did pull away, the relationship isn't threatened. I compared it to teens pulling away from their parents, and he said that's exactly what it's like. I said I guessed I tended to think of teens being like, "Woohoo, I'm becoming independent!" When really it's probably more conflicted than that. He agreed (His main focus is on teens, plus he has teenage kids of his own). He said in those cases, the relationship isn't threatened either. That kids can grow up, leave the home, become independent, but the relationship with their parents is still there.

I did bring up my fears of him telling T2 about my finding out about his wife (though I managed to do it--and we managed to have the whole conversation--without actually mentioning the words "wife" or "death" ). I said I felt things were going well with T2 and was afraid what MC told him would make T2 concerned about working with me. Like now he'd be worried. I said how it felt the same with him in the session after I'd told him, that he was acting normally toward me, still made another appointment. So rationally I knew it was OK, but it still concerned me.

MC said it wouldn't be useful if he'd just told T2 what a great person I was and all my strengths. That T2 would wonder what the point of the conversation had been. That he wouldn't say negative things about me, but would share things I needed to work on. Then he said if he'd told T2 I had issues with anxiety, attachment, and transference, and they often played themselves out in the therapy setting--would that surprise me? I was like, "Well, no."

I said I knew some of it was coming from me--projecting. That the thing he'd told T2 was something I already felt really bad about, so I was afraid of the impression MC was giving T2, how he presented it. H commented how I'd already beaten myself up about it, and it was coming up again. I forget what MC said to that.

Talked about fears of people changing or pulling away. Anxiety and worry. A very elaborate analogy he'd learned in an anxiety workshop that I wont' go into here. He mentioned he'd been on a plane earlier that week, and he could have just worried that it would crash. But chances were, it wouldn't. He said there was no guarantee that anything else bad wouldn't happen to any of us. But it's better to save worrying for when it's really time to worry.

I said I knew we had to stop (had been nearly an hour), and he said "we still have a minute or two." Which felt particularly caring to me. And made me cry, and I said, "Sorry, I don't know why I'm crying right now."

MC said how the session had been a bit about reassurance. But he wondered what the chances were that at some point after I left, I'd still be worried about things with him. I said "About 90%" He said he figured that, but to think right now about the session. Was there anything that had been done or said that would make me think things weren't OK, that the relationship was in danger? I said if I really thought about it, no. He said I should try to cope with the anxiety, that it wouldn't feel good, but I could get through it. Not that he was saying not to contact him, but just to try coping. I said OK.

He said that could apply to other things, too, like with H. To think about all the signs within a given month that H cares about and loves me and wants to be in a relationship with me. I said I would try to do that more instead of looking for the signs that it's not OK.

He said how I'd probably still have that little bit of doubt--and where did that come from? I said probably from my own self-doubt, the messages inside my head going back to when i was younger. MC said when the doubt comes in, to do this: He flicked his finger with his thumb and made a "pow" sort of sound. I did that, and he was like, "No, not all your fingers, just the one" and demonstrated again. I asked if it was that easy, why didn't he show me this ages ago?

Scheduled for next week (seeing him Thursday, then skipping the next week due to Thanksgiving). He said he's still not shaking hands because he's been coughing (it's been like 3 weeks now--is it silly that I miss it?). As we were walking out, he said, "Take care," and I said, "You too."

How could MC share things you need to work on? Isn't that your decision to tell the other guy or not?
The idea that a therapist thinks they know what a client "needs" to do rankles me.

Honestly, I think some of that comes from the paternal countertransference on his part. It's like he wants to "fix me" in a way. Yet is somewhat constrained through marriage counseling. (The recent judgment regarding alcohol/going to bars stuff comes to mind...) And it comes out from him in there at times--including when we're working on actual marriage counseling stuff (which we did last week, I just didn't write it up). Where he'll seem to focus more on me and why I react certain ways and things I can work on (while not really saying the same stuff to H). And I of course play into that in some ways with my transference... I'm not saying it's the healthiest dynamic necessarily...

I did give them permission to talk--well, for MC to share stuff with T2. I didn't give T2 permission to share at this point because I want to feel free to talk to him about whatever I want with MC without fearing he'd go and tell him what I said. I also think T2 is skilled and confident enough in himself that he's not just going to take what MC says as gospel. And T2 did tell me that none of what MC said about me really surprised him, so I think he has a good enough read on me already. Maybe next session I'll get his opinion on MC saying I need to work on certain things...like does he agree with that, or think it's up to me? The sense I've gotten so far is that he's very collaborative in how he works, so it's more what we decide to work on together (not what he thinks we need to work on).

I feel like I wasted a session ranting about work. I hate it when I do that. There is a reason I try to see him on the weekend and not weekdays. At least he thinks I’m losing weight.

He had some interesting interpersonal tips that seem smart and useful but not something I can see myself using. Got my hug today. That was worth it I guess.

Ugh, I know how you feel Growly. I see her right after work on Monday's, and I generally try to avoid work, but sometimes it is unavoidable. I wasted ALL of last session bc I was really upset about something that happened at work--that worked out, and logically I knew probably would, but anxiety was winning at that point. Annoying.

I understand the work thing too I usually try to work from home I might therapy days but the last two times even though I've been working from home things have gotten really hectic right before I have to leave for my appointment. Today was the last day before I have a two-week break and I wanted to do EMDR but last time I did EMDR after a stressful day at work it was a disaster so today was just kind of a ho hum talk about light things day at least it wasn't a disaster.

Last night I spent a good bit of my session talking about my overall experience being in therapy with her for the past 6 years. I decided after I sat down and really didn't have anything to talk about, that maybe I should try saying all the stuff I might have just written in an email. I said almost all of it... just not the part about how the break I'm taking after next week is my trial run for not coming there anymore. I need to make sure and say that part next week. I finally remembered to tell her about that connection I made when I heard that little boy in the background on a phone call at work (I posted about it here) and how making that connection really helped me understand the child-like attachment I felt to her. After that we sat in silence for a little bit. She said "we don't have to talk, you know." I said "But isn't that kind of the point?" She chuckled a little. Then I did a sand tray, and we stood back and looked at it together for a couple minutes, I named it, and explained parts of it a little. Then we verified we're scheduled for next week, I paid her, we hugged, and I left.

This week I was able to keep talking again and didn't get too triggered. A couple weeks ago I was very shut down because of people talking loudly in the hall way for most of my session and the last two times nobody has been there. Given that there have been other people around every other time I have seen her (and each time triggers me in to shut down mode) I wonder if she has asked her colleagues to keep to the other end of the building during my time slot. I hope so.
After talking a little bit about how the mother abandoned us to abusers a denial part switched out and was adamant there was no abuse. A younger part pushed through and pulled out the ACE and resilience questionnaires and went through each of the questions with the T. She said she had wanted to talk about those questionnaires with T and it was a good time to do it, to show that denial part that it really was bad. The child part doesn't feel any of the trauma, she only knows about it. I suppose the feelings about it all must be in here somewhere though.
We are still getting to know our T and she is still getting to know us. We are not going into anything too deep yet but we have touched on some hard stuff without the emotional parts of it there. I just hope T is able to keep other people away from the therapy room when it is our session time so we can keep feeling safe and not go into protective shut down.
It felt productive in that we were able to share more of our history with her and I suppose because her responses and reactions are always consistent I was able to trust her a little more. I do feel a lot better about continuing to see this T than I did a month ago. That's a good thing. I don't feel attached to her but I feel I can keep working with her. That too is a good thing. I suspect that next week I won't dread going.

LT, as I read your post, I tried the finger flick to see if it would work, but then realized --- which finger is he flicking? And does he have his flicking hand closed or open? Though my question may sound strange, I'm all about putting another tool in my toolbox.

He may have totally been making it up, not sure if it's an actual technique. But: Index finger against thumb, hand open.

For those that have followed my story - I am lurking here. I read a lot of other's posts and occasionally post.

My sessions of late have been a mess - I have been a mess. The relationship with me and my T is going fine. It is the topics that have left me very sad and sometimes not connected. There have been lots of circular conversations as I somewhat incoherently link random thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Couples counseling is going slowly as is my healing from my most recent surgery.

Art - I just went and read your thread on attachment and crying little boy. I found it timely given my Thursday session. Here is an excerpt from that session note write up:

T2 today: He came out to retrieve me, but said he had to get some tea first (there's a cart thing with tea in waiting area). Went back and sat down. I thanked him for fitting me in a day early. He said it wasn't a problem. How he usually has space in his schedule to fit people in because he only sees about 25 clients over 6 days in a week. That he does other independent work like writing, so can generally find space at the last minute. So that was good to know.

He said we'd missed last week because he'd been away and asked what I wanted to talk about. I pulled out my long list on the back of a 4"x6" index card. Which led to a discussion on handwriting and signatures. He said I probably didn't want to talk about handwriting. I shifted to another topic briefly, then ended up back on that. He said, "We're back on handwriting again!"

I said how it felt like lately I'd been falling into a depression. Just feeling bad about myself lately. How maybe some of it was from stuff with MC, stuff with H. Just having negative thoughts.

I said I hadn't told him about this last session, but a few days before that, I'd had, connected to some of the MC stuff,
He said I'd mentioned how I thought the depression was related to MC and H. I said some of the MC stuff was better now, but that may have triggered it a bit, like his being judgmental and being reluctant to apologize. But there was definitely some stuff with H lately.

I talked about some stuff with my researching treatments that could help D (she's on autism spectrum), how H tends not to be into some of that. Won't go into full discussion here (I still feel slightly awkward talking about it because T2's son is on the spectrum, but tried to push that into the back of my mind). But T2 had a couple good insights. How there are some people who just trust the more traditional doctors on that, how there are really only a couple treatment options, and to go with one of them. And there are others who want to research anything that could possibly help their kid, within reason. He said there's not just the one extreme or the other. I said, "So, a spectrum, I guess?" He agreed. How H might be closer to one end and me to the other.

He also said that for people more like me, it's like we feel that we're not doing enough, how there's probably something out there that we can try. While for people on the other end, if they just go with more traditional treatment, then they don't feel guilty for not continuing to research and look for that one thing that can help. That seemed to resonate with me. I said I also tend to be the sort to research everything, while H isn't. I thought that could be a personality thing, or maybe a coping mechanism. T2 said he thought more the latter, that we deal with things in different ways.

I think I talked some more about just not feeling like H and I were connecting as we should. That maybe that's part of why we drank so much together? (I was crying at this point.) How maybe MC was onto something with that.

I don't remember how it shifted to this...I think something with H pushing away feelings? Yes, that was it. I ended up talking about cheating on H nearly 2 years ago (one-night stand thing). And briefly told T2 the story of that (while feeling rather awkward because, I mean, I was talking about hooking up with a guy). Aftermath of that, how H fairly quickly forgave me, but I struggled with forgiving myself. How I worried that H would throw it back on me at some point. T2 asked if H was that type of person, and I said not really. I said how I'd worried I'd gotten HIV from it, because there wasn't any other consequence. T2: I don't think karma works quite that directly.

I said how at the time, I'd wondered if the cheating had been a way to try to blow up my relationship, because I wasn't happy. That there had been other stuff before, like a sort of emotional affair with a guy in grad school, but H hadn't been as bothered by that. But to me, I'd be more bothered by something emotional than a one-night physical thing (not that I was trying to justify it!). T2 said he agreed, how that could have just been what can happen when you're drinking and connect with certain urges, while the other seems a bigger deal. (Which surprised me because, not to stereotype, but I thought women tended to be more bothered by emotional affairs, men by physical.)

Talked about how things were with H and I. I said how I often felt like something was missing from relationship. But then we'd been together 12 years, and before this, longest relationship had been year and a half. That I didn't know how it was supposed to feel. "I mean, I don't expect butterflies or anything." T2 gave an odd look and said, "I've never heard it called that before." Me: "really???" T2: I guess you mean kind of a honeymoon period. I said yes, how I knew much of that just came from hormones. He said yes, and also, once you've been with someone a long time, you know most everything about them, who their first-grade teacher was, what their first kiss was like. So there aren't many surprises. How if your partner is naked in front of you, you don't even register it anymore. I said, "Yeah, exactly."

A couple times during the sexual talk, I was like, "I don't know why I'm bringing this up now. It wasn't even on my list of stuff to talk about!" At one point, T2 asked if I meant, why was I crying about it? I said that it obviously meant it was something affecting me. Another time, he said, "It's your session--you can talk about whatever you want." I said, "Yes, but I probably shouldn't just talk about, say, my victories in Fantasy Football." He said, "Fantasy what?" I said, "Fantasy Football. I moved up to fifth place this week!" He smiled and said, "You're a trip!" I said (smiling), "I'm glad I amuse you!"

Back to main topic: He said that everyone has thoughts about getting that excitement back, feeling that again with someone. But that lots of people, if they decide they're going to remain monogamous, just suppress those thoughts, push them away. I said yeah, that I felt especially bad about what had happened because things hadn't been great with H physically. T2 said how there are lots of components to satisfaction in a relationship, but that physical intimacy was the highest percentage, at 15-20% (not sure where he got that number from, but I know he does do marriage counseling). I said, "Oh really? Huh..." And how I'd brought things up before with H that we weren't intimate often (because of me), but he said it was OK. But I didn't know if it really *was* OK. That we'd brought it up in marriage counseling before, but he just kept saying it was OK. T2 said it could be that H felt that, or that he didn't want to open up the Pandora's box that was how he really felt.

T2 said maybe I could approach it in marriage counseling like: "T2 said that physical intimacy is a big part of a relationship. How do you think our physical intimacy or lack thereof is affecting our relationship?" I said that could be a good way to put it.
I knew we had to stop then, but kept rambling a few minutes about the topic, including about how I thought maybe part of my avoiding sex was putting up a wall, fearing intimacy. He said it could be.

We scheduled for next week (day before Thanksgiving). I walked over to pay him and handed him my card. Immediately after, he was looking at his hand with a pained expression. I said, "Oh, did I scratch you with the card?" He said, "No, the pen I was playing with in session, I apparently wrote all over myself with it." I said, "Ah, like my daughter with paints! Though they're washable at least." T2: "Pretty sure this pen isn't washable!" (Said pen had also shot onto the floor during session at one point!)

He wished me a good week, held out his hand, and I shook it. He said, "Stay warm and dry!" (It's cold and looked like rain). I said 'You too," then headed out.

There were some dumb things that happened at work before my session, so I talked about that a bit. That turned into a conversation about my negative self talk. V is squarely in the "say nice things about yourself and you'll be less negative" camp. Gag. So I was moaning about how it doesn't work, and she said, "well, how often have you done it? If you wanted to learn to play the guitar, practiced once, then never picked it up again, would you be any good at it?"

So the guitar analogy wasn't the best. Those of you familiar with my story will know why. Once she said that, I started to sob, and couldn't really talk for a few minutes. Eventually I mumbled out a sorry as I tried to compose myself. "What are you thinking?"

I shook my head. "I don't want to talk about it." And then I started to cry again.

"What can I do to help?" Which is an asinine question. How do they expect you to answer that question? I said nothing and finally composed myself.

I explained the guitar connection to her and she sat quietly as I explained it. "Hmm. Who said that to you?"

I told her it was RoboT. "Oh, wow. Okay. That was probably incredibly impactful to you then."

I agreed, said it was hard because of the transference involved. She asked if I had explored the transferential feelings at all. Where they came from. I said kind of. Sometimes I think of him as the idealized self. Sometimes I think of him as the father figure that I strived to please.

She asked if the latter part mimicked the relationship with my father. Yes, absolutely.

That came back to the negative self talk. How Eric Clapton was just one in a line of fallible truths I've adopted. That I have to adopt a more positive outlook in order to be happy. That I can't continue to rely on others for my happiness.

"And I know that's going to be incredibly hard for you to do. And you'll make progress and then maybe stall for a little bit. But you can get better. So I'll be there to remind you to be kind to yourself, even if you're not progressing like you think you should."

"And you won't get annoyed?"

"No, because I know growth isn't linear."

And that was the end. Confirmed my next appointment and walked out.

Oof, that was an intense session. R text me ten minutes before to let me know she was running a few minutes late. She’d scarcely come in and sat down before I said:
‘It’s been quite a week. I have a new standard for 9 out of 10.’
‘Can you help me understand what you mean?’
‘In terms of intensity…Sunday night into Monday morning was hard.’
‘I’m sensing a different kind of hard than usual?’
‘I cried for an hour….intermittently, but…’

‘You cried for an hour? I sensed that it was going to be something big you were going to tell me, but I’m shocked. It sounds like you weren’t trying to hold it together. What you describe there sounds like an undoing of old patterns.’

‘The barriers I’ve built up are…’
‘The barriers I’ve built up are…’
‘Stay with it…’
‘The barriers I’ve built up are…safe. I wanted to see what would happen if I didn’t try to hold it together. The crying happened, and the full body bristling was there, as I mentioned…but I wasn’t expecting it to be so painful…physically painful.’
‘I get the sense that it wasn’t what you expected. You expected to release some of it, and it would all be better?’

‘Since that happened on Sunday night, it’s been the same as it ever was…but the sadness is accompanied by anger…I didn’t need to know this.’
‘This didn’t happen to me.’

‘It didn’t happen to you? What do you mean?’
‘It didn’t happen first hand…something happened to me as a result of this, but the events that I was subjected to didn’t happen to me. I processed the other events, but I don’t know why January 2011 sticks in my head. It should be processed by now.’
‘Should be?’

‘I don’t know why it keeps coming back.’
‘I’m not going to lie…it’s sort of become significant to me. But I remember when we were talking about September 2007, and I had that in my diary for months. Now you haven’t mentioned it in a while.’

The rest gets slightly hazy, but there was one thing today…
‘I think you’re so brave. It’s nothing to do with what you’ve been through, but how you are challenging yourself to face these things and break old patterns.’
I couldn’t actually respond.
‘Are you OK? I’m wondering what’s going on for you right now. I have to admit, part of me is wondering ‘Did I say something bad?’’
‘No, you didn’t say anything bad. I had a three-fold response to your use of the word ‘brave’. First I wanted to laugh, then I wanted to cry, and then I wanted to reply, but couldn’t…’

I continued...‘Bravery to me is linked to courage and vulnerability. I’ve experienced the vulnerability, but haven’t yet been brave enough to talk about it....Grateful.'
'You're welcome.'
R then gave me a ten minute warning, and said she didn’t want to stop me abruptly.
‘How are you feeling?’
‘I’m relieved we were able to meet today.’
‘Were you worried about the road closure?’
‘Yes, and with what had happened on Sunday night into Monday morning…I haven’t come up with a shorthand for that yet…’
‘You were anxious to share that with me.’
‘From my perspective, that was intense.’
‘Shall I give you mine?’
‘OK.’
‘I’ve just noticed that I’ve been sitting here the entire session like this [leaning forward, hands on her knees]. Don’t get me wrong, I’m always interested in what you have to say, but today I’ve been right here. It’s felt different to me…not in a good way or a bad way, but it’s been a different kind of session.’

Luc: My terrible fear when I saw that he'd [T1] replied to my email was that he'd have said "piss off and leave me alone" except, much worse than that, he'd have done it in therapist-y language. I wouldn't have been able to bear it.

T2: What, like... (reels off absolutely perfect therapist-speak response... something like "I've talked with my supervisor and we have agreed that, given that our therapeutic relationship has ended, it is better that we do not have any further contact")

Luc: (laughing) YES! Exactly! ...you're so good at that!

...and then we both laughed together for a bit.

It was nice.

In session tonight—

Me: (Since I’m traveling for the holiday) I don’t know what to do about the (dreaded monthly) Thu call with my mother.

Current T: Tell her that you are in the United States. And, Thanksgiving is a holiday in the United States. And so, you can’t talk to her.

(I don’t know in what universe that makes sense but...)

Next...

Me: So, I was looking at this Ignatian (Jesuit) practice...

Current T: You mean Ignacio?

Me: No, I meant Ignatian as in Ignatius?

(I’m not sure she got it — am pretty sure she knows I have no connections to Latin America...)

She did gush a fair bit over my little art-work.

You’ve got the same issues abandoning family her half-Italian husband does, why wouldn’t you have connections to Latin America too?

And, she apparently thinks your mother was born yesterday.

We're still mixed up in transference and countertransference. . He didn't want to engage with my ambivalent feelings towards him. I said all I wanted him to do was empathise. It wasn't a big ask.
The good news is that he realised half way through the session and said he was exasperated with himself for getting caught in the countertransference.
But I'm still concerned that if we don't tackle it head on it will just recur again and again. At the end he said he needed to reflect on the fact I had to help him figure out what has happening. I said yeah, it felt like I had to tell you how to do your job. He nodded. I sent an email tonight saying that I'm concerned he could lose objectivity and that I could be hurt. I want us to feel on the same team again.

My session was awful today. I could hardly speak. I felt very unreal and the whole time other parts of me were yelling stuff at me like


It went on for the whole hour. When she said it was time to go I practically ran out the door.