[slowandgentle]

Gutted with T.
After a couple of messy ruptures over him not really being/feeling present or focused for me, and then 3 months ago, him not being there for me when things were really bad, I feel like he's let me down again.
Last time (3mths ago) he just didn't respond at all when I emailed and texted for help with feeling suicidal (I was very tentative and respectful). I plucked up the courage to go back and told him how hurt and let down I felt. He basically said he should have been there for me and it was ok to contact him.
About a month ago, I brought it up again and asked what was reasonable to expect/ask for from him, in terms of support. He said he would absolutely be fine with me texting him and he would call me back, no matter what day of the week.
This morning, after a hell night. I emailed him first thing to ask if he had any spaces (I never do that). I heard nothing, so I texted again after lunch. Still nothing. At 3pm he finally texted back and said he didn't have any spare appt time and was there something I needed by phone?
It all just felt like too little, too late. I just don't want to go back. I feel like he wasn't there for me, yet again.
Am I being unreasonable? No, we didn't put any parameters around 'response time, but virtually the entire working day went by, and every hour feels like a lifetime when you're in that space..:

[ScarletPimpernel]

Maybe he was busy? He could have been with other clients. My T has a 24hr time limit on work days. She does not guarantee a response on the weekend (in fact she says to not expect it).

The fact he got back to you the same day, I'd say is reasonable. If you were in that much of a crisis that you needed a sooner response, you should go to the hospital. Ts have other responsibilities than just ourselves.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

I think taking a few hours to respond is certainly reasonable.

For comparison, my T doesn't work Tuesday and Thursday, and he will not respond or even look at his phone on the days he's off. When he's working he will check in between sessions and respond when it is appropriate (i.e. he doesn't have a client in the next few minutes).

I would feel hurt too. He is there but he isn't there. I don't think that ts should promise they can be there because realistically no one can promise that. It sounds like he is really trying to be there for you, offering iahip support over the phone if you wanted it.
What was it you did want from him out of curiosity? Different people want different things. I have often text t in a crisis. She will sometimes text back day after or sometimes that day and sometimes it's enough just to hear her voice or see her text. I just need a little reassurance that someone heard I am in distress. Is that enough for you or do you need something else. I see you have talked about his lack of response but it could be useful to talk about what you need from him when he does respond as often ts don't know and often upset the client more with their lack of response!
It could be worth looking at this again with your t, he seems very open to helping you whatever way you need.

[LonesomeTonight]

It could be he didn't look at his phone because he was busy with clients. (My T often doesn't check her e-mail or phone during the day--MC does though.) Or he may have been waiting to see if he got any cancellations to respond, though it would have been good of him to respond to your morning text, if he saw it, and say something like "I don't have any openings right now, but if anyone cancels, I'll let you know."

Your T might think that responding that day was a reasonable amount of time. And he probably couldn't call because he was seeing clients. He did offer to call later at least. I do understand why you're upset, and I'd likely be reacting similarly to you. But I'm just presenting how it might seem from his side--that he wasn't ignoring you, he was just getting back to you when he could. I think you should talk about this with him, maybe ask about what expectations are during a workday, for example.

[SummerTime12]

I've never reached out to my current T, but with previous Ts if I texted or called and indicated that it was a more urgent matter, they always got back to me by that night, which I felt was reasonable. I think your T was most likely just busy and so they replied to you once they were available for a phone call.

[Sunflower123]

My therapist sees patients on Saturday and works at the VA during the week. I respect her time but I have texted her when I've been in severe crisis. She gets back to me within 2 hours. She's also done therapy by phone and I talked to her from Florida one night when I was in crisis. I know this is unusual. When I'm in crisis with my meds, my pdoc calls me from his office around 5:00 or from home if he's not working. I do realize I'm very fortunate.

Having said that I think your tdoc could be more responsive and this is something that needs to be hashed out between you two. He shouldn't say text me, email me or etc and then not be there for you. I hope you get it straightened out. Best wishes.

Getting back later in the same day seems pretty normal particularly if you didn't specify this was urgent and to please reply as soon as possible. My therapist generally checked messages at lunch time and then at the end of the day, but might not call until end of day if I didn't specify a time or that it was an emergency. If it was an emergency I would have let his secretary know so she could be sure he got the message sooner and replied sooner.

[stopdog]

The therapists I have dealt with professionally and personally have usually had something about the time frame for response and if there is an emergency to call 911. I don't think a response from a therapist within the same day is unreasonable.

[luvnola]

My t only works 2 days a week and will return a call the next business day. So if I call on Wed, I won't hear back until the following Tues (she works Tues and Wed). Any emergency (crisis that can't be self managed until the next appt) should be a call to 911. So, in light of my own experience, I think a t getting back the same day is very reasonable. I'm sorry you are hurting and perhaps you and t should decide on a time frame for a response that's helpful for you and doable for him.

[slowandgentle]

Thanks, all. Yeah, I'm expecting too much.

I think it's just a symptom of how desperate I am and how isolated Ive become. I living on my own right now. I don't see anyone. I don't like to call my H and burden him. I've been firefighting work stuff for so long, there is nothing else in my life l. T is all I have. And I know how unhealthy that is. I am just so far gone & have nothing left inside to rebuild the elements of a healthy life. It feels like just one more thing to fix.

I didn't even text anything that would have indicated it was urgent: I just asked if he had a free time. Because I never reach out for help it took a huge amount for me to even do that. A normal person would have left a message saying things were bad and asking for a phone call. I can never do that, especially when I am that far gone.

I would never turn up at an ER, or ask for any other help:if I lived, the consequences of that on my life & on a bunch of prople who depend on me would make any life on the other side unliveable. If i survived the suicidality, the practical disruption, guilt and shame would drive me to it, anyway.

I very nearly checked myself into a private psyc hospital yesterday, but I think losing control of what happened next would be a worse than the alternative.

What did I want from him? Big question. I am doing some thinking about that.

[luvnola]

Nah, I don't think you're expecting too much. I think you were/are feeling desperate and your t had no idea. You could have got a much different response from t if you had been able to let him know how you were feeling, but I get that even reaching out at all was hard for you. I'm sorry you're feeling so isolated and so bad. Hope you can get in to see t soon.

[slowandgentle]

Thanks, Luvnola..

Yeah, I need to do a better job of getting the help I need, when I need it. But I get into this headspace where I just can't ask for it. I just feel so guilty and ashamed. That's why we had the talk last month & I told him that when I get that bad, I can't ask for help directly. Which was the point of the talk.
Anyway, he's likely to have forgotten about it by the next time I see him: last time I was seriously suicidal we scheduled an extra session that week and he tried to cancel it because he thought it was a scheduling error. He literally forgot that the last time we talked, I had wanted to kill myself.

[slowandgentle]

Ok, so Monalisa asked what did I want from him - and it's a very good question.
I'm in the middle of that Janina Fisher book you recommended, Mona, so I'm
going to try and look at it in parts, because I am very fragmented about this..

Part of me wants him wants me to keep a solid professional distance, because I get very scared when he comes too closer shows too much interest. So no heroic measures - I just want whatever the professional response is.

But I also want him to keep his word - that it is ok for me to get in touch, that he understands there literally is nobody else right now, and that when I do reach out, he understands I'm often so far gone that I CAN'T directly ask for what I need. And I have asked him directly, when I am able to, to help me stay alive. We've talked about specifics around this, and he has said it is not asking too much.

I don't think it would be asking too much, under these v specific, and (hopefully) time limited circumstances, for him to send back a quick one line response to acknowledge he got my email; let me know his day is booked, and ask if I am OK, and if he could talk on the phone even for 5 mins, to offer me a time to do that.

Fair enough to leave it all day if we hadn't discussed it and he genuinely didn't have a clue that I was in trouble. But right now this feels like yet another example of him saying he cares, but acting completely differently to that. I don't think I'll be brave enough to bring it up with him when I see him next (I would cancel, but it's too short notice). Because as much as I feel that what I would hope from him is reasonable, part of me feels very demanding.

And I know he checks his emails multiple times a day, presumably between sessions, because when I have emailed re scheduling or billing issues or when I am running late, he is very quick to respond

[junkDNA]

My T does not respond 99% of the time. He responded about 90% all the time only 2 years ago

[slowandgentle]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

My T does not respond 99% of the time. He responded about 90% all the time only 2 years ago

Sorry, Junk: I know how confusing that can be. But your T really does sound like he cares & he's doing the right thing by you, from the bits and pieces I have read. Did he discuss it with you when things changed?

Update: I was going to cancel T for tomorrow, but I ended up seeing him early today, instead. I'm so pleased I did: it was a really helpful session, I feel way further back from the edge, and being with him totally answered the 'does he care?' question in a positive way.

A conversation we had also opened up the opportunity to talk about how Friday felt, when I didn't hear from him all day, and how it connects to the very child like yearning I have for rescue. I thought some more about Mona's 'what do you want from him' question, and I really think I wanted rescue in a way that an adult really can't do for another adult in a healthy way. I think I felt really abandoned when I didn't hear from him all day, and part of me def. was wanting him to swoop in and save me.

Well, I am still here. And I hope to be brave enough to bring it up tomorrow...