[rainbow8]

When I think about separating from T, I cry. It gets me right into thinking about her dying. Seven years is a long time! I just can't imagine her not being in my life. I don't know why I have to cut down sessions when I don't want to. Any thoughts? T wants me to, I know, but I can't.

[ScarletPimpernel]

It's really hard, I'm not going to lie. But you can do it. In the long run, it's healthier. We're not meant to live our lives depending on our Ts. They're meant to be temporary. It sucks. I wish I could see mine weekly forever, but I know it can't be that way.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

It's really hard, I'm not going to lie. But you can do it. In the long run, it's healthier. We're not meant to live our lives depending on our Ts. They're meant to be temporary. It sucks. I wish I could see mine weekly forever, but I know it can't be that way.

But why not? I'm in my late 60's. I often read on here of people posting that their Ts are close to my age and they're worried about them dying. I hope I live for many more years, but maybe I won't. It's not like I'm 30! So what's so terrible if I see my T for the rest of my life? I know she could retire or die but until then...... why not?

[Calilady]

I have no experience with this, staying with a therapist long term, but this has to be my biggest fear. Getting attached to someone who, ultimately, is providing a service.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

When I think about separating from T, I cry. It gets me right into thinking about her dying. Seven years is a long time! I just can't imagine her not being in my life. I don't know why I have to cut down sessions when I don't want to. Any thoughts? T wants me to, I know, but I can't.

It sounds like your T is cutting the apron strings & giving you a bit of a nudge. Dependency is not healthy for you in the long run. I do understand how you are feeling, but you will manage. You have been working on inner strength & resilience over the years which will help & support you through this. Have you told your T how much this hurts? I too went through a stage of thinking that my T was going to die. It was at a time when I was catastrophising a lot of stuff, but we just had to work through it. Have the discussion with your T as to why, as I'm sure your T will help you through this. Good luck.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Calilady

I have no experience with this, staying with a therapist long term, but this has to be my biggest fear. Getting attached to someone who, ultimately, is providing a service.

It doesn't happen to everyone. For me, it's a pattern.

Originally Posted by JoBo

It sounds like your T is cutting the apron strings & giving you a bit of a nudge. Dependency is not healthy for you in the long run. I do understand how you are feeling, but you will manage. You have been working on inner strength & resilience over the years which will help & support you through this. Have you told your T how much this hurts? I too went through a stage of thinking that my T was going to die. It was at a time when I was catastrophising a lot of stuff, but we just had to work through it. Have the discussion with your T as to why, as I'm sure your T will help you through this. Good luck.

Thanks, JoBo. Yes, my T and I have talked about separating almost from the start of my therapy! It was actually my goal, so I've failed. I've always gone from one T to another but this T is the only one to directly work on my attachment problems. I don't know what the "long run" is for me. It could be a "short run." I've become much more independent in my life since I lost my H almost 2 years ago. Recently T brought up my thinking about seeing her every 2 weeks but I've been reluctant to try it. When she stopped taking my insurance, I had to cut down, but when my H got sick, I went back to weekly. I will have to talk to her again. Last week I said none of my parts want to separate from her and she asked if there was a part of me who thought I should? I said yes, but I don't know why I can't see her until she retires ( she's in her middle 50's). I still have a lot to work on, new stuff, and the hour goes SO fast! I am going to discuss it again.

Besides, I like my T very much. I don't know why I have to give her up.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

It doesn't happen to everyone. For me, it's a pattern.

Thanks, JoBo. Yes, my T and I have talked about separating almost from the start of my therapy! It was actually my goal, so I've failed. I've always gone from one T to another but this T is the only one to directly work on my attachment problems. I don't know what the "long run" is for me. It could be a "short run." I've become much more independent in my life since I lost my H almost 2 years ago. Recently T brought up my thinking about seeing her every 2 weeks but I've been reluctant to try it. When she stopped taking my insurance, I had to cut down, but when my H got sick, I went back to weekly. I will have to talk to her again. Last week I said none of my parts want to separate from her and she asked if there was a part of me who thought I should? I said yes, but I don't know why I can't see her until she retires ( she's in her middle 50's). I still have a lot to work on, new stuff, and the hour goes SO fast! I am going to discuss it again.

Besides, I like my T very much. I don't know why I have to give her up.

Your T isn't withdrawing completely from you. She's just suggested cutting down. I cut down from twice a week to just once & I found it really hard. We had agreed that if necessary, I could have the extra session if I was struggling. I managed this for about 2 months but we found that I was beginning to shut him out. We are now back to twice a week again. However, I will be working towards dropping down to once a week again. When I've had the discussion with my T about ending therapy I cry. I can't ever imagine my life without him in it, but he tells me that once we've worked through the Transference, I will find for myself that I don't need him. (Again, at this moment in time, I can't see that!) I trust my T to do the best for me, even if I don't like what he suggests! It sounds to me like your T is doing the best thing for you.

[nicoleflynn]

The client is the one who is supposed to make the decision to leave. I am 70 and been with my t for15 years; I stayed with him after the issue was resolved.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

The client is the one who is supposed to make the decision to leave. I am 70 and been with my t for15 years; I stayed with him after the issue was resolved.

That's what my T says too. She isn't forcing me to do it, but brings it up gently. I know she wants it to come from me but I can't seem to make the decision.

[here today]

My experience with T's was different. I would work with them for varying lengths of time, then develop a negative transference and either I would leave or I would stay and continue to try to "work things out", only getting extremely frustrated, then angry, then "lashing out".

That pattern mimicked relationships in my family of origin, only I was never "allowed" the negative transference, anger, and eventual separation. I suspect that the family was enmeshed, rather than a collection of individual people (women). Very sad.

Is there anything in your relationship with your T that mimics relationships in your family of origin, and any unfinished business there? Anything in you at all that wants separation? It might have it's own "mind" -- and not feel welcome with the rest of you?

[DodgersMom]

this is the thing i hate thinking about most and I'm only 3 months in. i think i am gonna struggle hard with it because I've let myself trust him more than i ever wanted to. i have a very small support system in life and don't see that changing.... i sometimes honestly regret ever starting, knowing this **** can happen, because it may be worse for me to handle than other **** that brought me there to begin with.

[Elio]

I'm with you here Rainbow, what's the problem with keeping these people in our lives for as long as they are practicing in our area and we can afford financially to pay them? I'm almost 50 and my T is about 8 yrs younger than me. We are young enough that we could be in this relationship for some time to come. I am old enough to know that I don't have many people and probably won't have many people in my life that I can feel relaxed around. I do see my relationship with her changing and my visits dropping down to more like monthly check ins and catch ups. It's not just that I want to share with her what is going on in my life. I think there is a level of wanting to know that she is still doing ok --- hmmm possible light bulb moment here for me... maybe that fantasy still stems from wanting to know that I have someone that is there to take care of me if I need it. So, if I continue to see her at least on a monthly level, I can check on her health and well being - yep she is still there physically and physically still capable of taking care of me. And I am connected enough to her that I can feel comfortable being around her, sharing with her my inner self; that she is still in my inner circle. I think there is something here for me.

Anyway... My thoughts, if she is not pushing you out, I don't see why you couldn't keep seeing her at whatever level is not interfering with the other aspects of your life (including financial goals).

Hi Rainbow, you have worked very well with this t for a long time. It's understandable that you have become attached to her, separation is painful. I don't see anything wrong with you continuing to see your t unless you are not working well or she thinks she can't help you anymore. I don't think I have heard you say either of these before though. Are endings hard for you Rainbow? I know your mothers death was very painful and I am wondering if thinking about your separation with your t is bringing back some of those painful feelings and memories!

[bounceback]

You can separate from her. I separated from mine after 7 years. I moved it was a little different scenario. I survived though and you will also. It isn't healthy to stay tied to a therapist the rest of your life. Eventually you have to learn to live your life without them. Not saying you have to give up seeing her permanently but try seeing her less often and see how it goes. She cares about you yes but only within limits. That is what you got to accept. Her caring can only go so far. You can do this. They are not meant to stay in our lives forever unfortunately but again nobody really is. We even lose family members and friends over the years. Yes it is hard and it is sad but that is just the way it is.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by here today

My experience with T's was different. I would work with them for varying lengths of time, then develop a negative transference and either I would leave or I would stay and continue to try to "work things out", only getting extremely frustrated, then angry, then "lashing out".

That pattern mimicked relationships in my family of origin, only I was never "allowed" the negative transference, anger, and eventual separation. I suspect that the family was enmeshed, rather than a collection of individual people (women). Very sad.

Is there anything in your relationship with your T that mimics relationships in your family of origin, and any unfinished business there? Anything in you at all that wants separation? It might have it's own "mind" -- and not feel welcome with the rest of you?

I was probably insecurely attached to my mother, or maybe it's about being a preemie and no one was there to hold me for two weeks. My Ts have guessed that may be one scenario. My mother being there for me and not letting me be independent for the rest of my life after those 2 weeks! I guess enmeshed, but maybe not. I want T to take care of me but she won't do that of course. Yet going every week and getting her undivided attention and "love" pulls me like a magnet! I don't want separation....none of me, except a part knows T will eventually hurt me, though unintentionally. So that part wants to be prepared for the eventually separation but she doesn't WANT it.

Originally Posted by DodgersMom

this is the thing i hate thinking about most and I'm only 3 months in. i think i am gonna struggle hard with it because I've let myself trust him more than i ever wanted to. i have a very small support system in life and don't see that changing.... i sometimes honestly regret ever starting, knowing this **** can happen, because it may be worse for me to handle than other **** that brought me there to begin with.

I agree, somewhat. I was unhappy before therapy, and then during my many years of therapy I discovered Ts could be there for me, and give me all that wonderful attention. It's so strange because I had attention in my life but I was very shy so I didn't want it. So confusing. I wanted the love and affection but I wasn't able to accept it or return it, not because I didn't love my family, but because of my personality, or fears, or the selective mutism I had as a child.

However, if you do attach for those reasons, it's something to work on in the therapy so you have more of a support system in real life. You can't NOT have the transference and attachment or whatever happen with the T if you had attachment problems in your past. I never knew I was going to connect with my first T. I thought therapy was like advice columns. You ask a question and you get an answer. I never knew it was a relationship. So I suggest not trying to fight your attachment when it happens, but be honest with your T and see what help he can give you.

Originally Posted by Elio

I'm with you here Rainbow, what's the problem with keeping these people in our lives for as long as they are practicing in our area and we can afford financially to pay them? I'm almost 50 and my T is about 8 yrs younger than me. We are young enough that we could be in this relationship for some time to come. I am old enough to know that I don't have many people and probably won't have many people in my life that I can feel relaxed around. I do see my relationship with her changing and my visits dropping down to more like monthly check ins and catch ups. It's not just that I want to share with her what is going on in my life. I think there is a level of wanting to know that she is still doing ok --- hmmm possible light bulb moment here for me... maybe that fantasy still stems from wanting to know that I have someone that is there to take care of me if I need it. So, if I continue to see her at least on a monthly level, I can check on her health and well being - yep she is still there physically and physically still capable of taking care of me. And I am connected enough to her that I can feel comfortable being around her, sharing with her my inner self; that she is still in my inner circle. I think there is something here for me.

Anyway... My thoughts, if she is not pushing you out, I don't see why you couldn't keep seeing her at whatever level is not interfering with the other aspects of your life (including financial goals).

Yes!! The bolded part sounds like me. I want her in my life and I want to know she is okay. Thank you for agreeing! I don't see why I can't see her weekly for years, but it seems like I'm not "supposed" to do that. I'm a little ashamed of wanting that, so there's that part that says I won't be healed until I can be satisfied with seeing T less often. I think there's also a part of me that still thinks T and I are friends although we're not. We're closer than friends, though. Like my first T said: "Our relationship is different, but that doesn't make it LESS." I wish that I WANTED to see her less often. After 7 years, I can't make that switch. My life is more complicated, not less. I have more health problems and grief to process on deeper levels. So I'm not ready to cut down sessions.

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Hi Rainbow, you have worked very well with this t for a long time. It's understandable that you have become attached to her, separation is painful. I don't see anything wrong with you continuing to see your t unless you are not working well or she thinks she can't help you anymore. I don't think I have heard you say either of these before though. Are endings hard for you Rainbow? I know your mothers death was very painful and I am wondering if thinking about your separation with your t is bringing back some of those painful feelings and memories!

Thanks, mona. Endings have always been extremely hard for me! I remember being devastated when I broke up with my college boyfriend. Also when friends moved away, before internet and cheap long distance phone calls. I blocked out or dissociated through my mother's illness and death, which is why I'm still grieving. I'm trying to face my H's death and the complicated feelings I have about our marriage. So, yes endings are hard, and I have trouble contemplating my own ending. I get depressed thinking about death but T says it is perfectly okay to talk about it with her, though I keep putting it off except when my family is traveling somewhere. I worry about them. Like this week.

Originally Posted by bounceback

You can separate from her. I separated from mine after 7 years. I moved it was a little different scenario. I survived though and you will also. It isn't healthy to stay tied to a therapist the rest of your life. Eventually you have to learn to live your life without them. Not saying you have to give up seeing her permanently but try seeing her less often and see how it goes. She cares about you yes but only within limits. That is what you got to accept. Her caring can only go so far. You can do this. They are not meant to stay in our lives forever unfortunately but again nobody really is. We even lose family members and friends over the years. Yes it is hard and it is sad but that is just the way it is.

Yes, but WHY is it unhealthy to stay with my T? I live my life without her, but I want to discuss it all with her. If she moves away or dies, I'll have to cope, but why do I have to give her up now? I realize I pay her, so that's why. I'm her job but so what? I will have to ask her. I'm doing better but I'm depressed about my life. There are more things than just the attachment. There's growing older issues, and I want T's support.

[BayBrony]

I guess maybe your T thinks ending is somehow necessary to complete your healing?? Otherwise, I don't know why you HAVE to end seeing her. I mean so what that you pay her??

My T has said that as long as she is practicing I can continue to see her..i don't care that i pay her. I think being abused as a kid is no different from having a chronic illness or something. So i need ongoing care ?? So what??

[SilentMelodee]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Yes, but WHY is it unhealthy to stay with my T? I live my life without her, but I want to discuss it all with her. If she moves away or dies, I'll have to cope, but why do I have to give her up now? I realize I pay her, so that's why. I'm her job but so what? I will have to ask her. I'm doing better but I'm depressed about my life. There are more things than just the attachment. There's growing older issues, and I want T's support.

You don't HAVE to give her up now, and I don't think she's asking you to. Spacing out sessions is one thing, but quitting therapy is something separate. I think the general consensus is that it's OUR decision to end therapy, unless something unhealthy is going on. so if you don't want to space sessions, don't. Tell her you aren't ready, you will let her know when you are, and kindly ask her to drop the subject. She works FOR YOU. So if you want to continue seeing her once a week, stick up for yourself in that!

[Pennster]

Rainbow - I feel a little confused sometimes about the pressure you feel to stop therapy. There are lots of people on here who have been in therapy for years. In reading here for many years at really obvious you've done a lot of good work and made great progress. I think it's totally possible that some day you might feel stronger within yourself and decide you don't need a weekly session, but I'm not sure if focusing on that before you're ready is doing much more than making you anxious? I don't know. It sounds like you are still going through a lot.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by BayBrony

I guess maybe your T thinks ending is somehow necessary to complete your healing?? Otherwise, I don't know why you HAVE to end seeing her. I mean so what that you pay her??

My T has said that as long as she is practicing I can continue to see her..i don't care that i pay her. I think being abused as a kid is no different from having a chronic illness or something. So i need ongoing care ?? So what??

I think T must think I'm more capable than I think I am. I don't know if I NEED ongoing care; I just WANT it. I don't know if I'll ever feel ready to leave. So doesn't that mean I didn't solve my attachment issues? I understand why I want T, and I understand why I can't have her. I think realizing she can't be "that person" to me, is a huge step, so maybe I'm moving forward at my own pace.

Originally Posted by SilentMelodee

You don't HAVE to give her up now, and I don't think she's asking you to. Spacing out sessions is one thing, but quitting therapy is something separate. I think the general consensus is that it's OUR decision to end therapy, unless something unhealthy is going on. so if you don't want to space sessions, don't. Tell her you aren't ready, you will let her know when you are, and kindly ask her to drop the subject. She works FOR YOU. So if you want to continue seeing her once a week, stick up for yourself in that!

She hasn't said I have to end now, but think about it. I don't want to space out sessions either unless my T thinks it's best for me.

Originally Posted by Pennster

Rainbow - I feel a little confused sometimes about the pressure you feel to stop therapy. There are lots of people on here who have been in therapy for years. In reading here for many years at really obvious you've done a lot of good work and made great progress. I think it's totally possible that some day you might feel stronger within yourself and decide you don't need a weekly session, but I'm not sure if focusing on that before you're ready is doing much more than making you anxious? I don't know. It sounds like you are still going through a lot.

I sort of agree with you but I've been in therapy for over 25 years, maybe 30. I stopped counting. That was with 5 or 6 Ts. I know my T will tell she's not pushing me, but I have this feeling she is. She said she is not retiring yet, but she will at some point. If my Self were leading my parts, I probably wouldn't need T. I feel confused too, Penster! I think it's because often I've felt I want to be in therapy for the feelings I get from the T, and that seems unhealthy to be still doing.