The Couch 146 : The Untouchable, Nontotient, Octahedral, Composite Couch.

So glad you found your ring!

I lost my rings for the longest time. I was so scared they were gone forever. They have a wonderful story although somewhat mushy behind them. Turns out one of my inside friends hid them because she doesn't like my husband and figured if I didn't have my rings then we weren't married anymore.....

Can someone please bring me pancakes

Wish I could! I so totally would! I love to make pancakes. Specially blueberry ones.

My mom has been trying to nail down my plans for an upcoming holiday. I usually attend the family dinner with the person who traumatized me (and T spends several weeks picking up the pieces). It will be at the person's house this year and for the first time ever I said I would probably be out of town. She tried to push me into saying that if I was in town I would attend because "we" had decided that, and I said, "I decide if I go. But I will probably be out of town." She got very quiet and made an excuse to end the conversation.

The guilt is killing me. I know she is probably hurt and angry that I am not participating in the "happy family" play she envisions. I feel bad about that. But jeez, I have been a mental disaster for 25 years because of this and isn't it time for me to suffer a little less?

I say that, while I dissolve into a panicky mess here in the corner.

Isnt she brilliant? I can never leave pc, i keep meeting my virtual descendents

Pancake party! I was just saying the other day how good a stack of blueberry pancakes sound.

Skeksi, I think it's wonderful that you're setting that boundary with your mother. The relationship with my biological mother is what I spend at least 60% of my time in session talking about. RoboT says that guilt is normal when you're testing boundaries. At the end of the day, you have to do what's best for you

(((skeksi)))

(((Skeski))) i have an rsvp to attend to also. Party in a month. Im trying to figure it out. Its so easy to just always go (except for those of us who see a t). You just say, anything anybody does is fine - we're family. Maybe that should apply to us too.

Thanks, guys. It is so hard to break a pattern of sacrificing my feelings and sense of safety for her happiness.

Good on you, Skeksi. I am experiencing something similar and have just realized how important it is for every single member of my family to play the game. We all live our lives denying the truth to each other and ourselves and when any one of us does something different the whole entangled mess unravels and everyone scrambles to restore the tangled binds again. Its time for me to take a closer look at this, i think because I only just realised this morning that if i didn't spend my entire life trying to live within the rules so as not to upset the implicit agreement of mutual denial then my life would be completely different. It would be free.
One of the things that keeps me playing the rules of the game is to avoid becoming that dissolving panicky mess in the corner. There is too much fear caught up in breaking the rules, too much uncertainty, too much at stake.
So I just want to say I see your panicky mess in the corner and I acknowledge you for your bravery. It is brave thing you do and it is also a good thing. I see you there.

Oh my gosh, THANK YOU for articulating this so well for me. You are right, we all are keeping the charade going, and breaking out of our parts is terrifying.

Thank you for seeing me, too.

Have been in a total tantrum-crying-rocking-panicking shutdown over M leaving for the past few hours. I feel so stupid. I used to stay up every night when I was little crying and wondering why I was born so bad that everyone hated me. I remember the feeling and this feels like that.

I can't decide if I should let myself cry it out or take a lorazepam and kill it

Do you have to go to work in the morning? That would make the decision for me (work in the am =lorazepam). Sorry you're feeling this way.

I've got the urge to get my hair cut again. Shorter this time. Like, shorter and spiky on top or something. I dunno.

I don't know where else to put this and on top of all the other stuff this week I can't deal. Duchess said she would be mad if I didn't call her before I thought about it so I did and she hasn't responded and in a mess and feel sick and this sucks.

My mother just called my work phone (which she always claimed she didn't have) and left a voice mail. I listened because it came in through work and I didn't realize who it was from. I wish I could post the audio here. I am crumbling and trying to not go to dark places but I'm so confused and feel like I'm betraying her and ruining her life.

Do you mean like, do it yourself? I got that urge the other day. and followed through. It didn't turn out too bad. Could have been worse!

Hange in there, Ellahmae. I hope the Duchess gets back to you soon.

No no not do it myself - that would be a disaster of epic proportions! i have no talent in that area! That's great that you can do it though!

I am remembering one time when I was probably 13 or 14 I got so pissed at my hair not "working right" that I took scissors to it and cut out a big chunk. I was a mess as a teenager!

(well, i'm still a mess now, just a different kind of mess.)

(((Ellahmae)))

EM, from what you've said of your mother, it's very much the other way around.

If you want a distraction, I could regale you with the exploits of my fantasy baseball team?

Please do. I'm trying to o do grounding whatever I can. Baseball will help

Baseball always helps

Well, what might interest you most personally is I have Kevin Maitan and Lucas Sims in my minors.

I started out in last place, am now in first by a mile. Credit George Springer, Chris Sale, Alex Wood, and Justin Smoak.