The Couch 146 : The Untouchable, Nontotient, Octahedral, Composite Couch.

I have other things from him that all feel wonderful... warm and smooth and open. The crystal is different. Am I crazy

I messaged her now I feel stupid for messaging her. I should just buck up and deal with the **** and try to be an adult.

S responded.

So now I'm crying at my desk.

I hate when he comes back sounding like the S I thought I knew... it makes me question everything.

(Although, I'm kind of like... 'did you just try to take some sort of weird subconscious credit for my asking for a break?') ...weird...

In any case -- break has commenced.

Maybe I'll just get a hotel for a couple of days.

This worked well for me one time-- I was feeling sui and had some extra money for once. Instead of researching methods, I found the cheapest ticket to Europe that week, which was Copenhagen, got a nice airbnb for ten days and just did whatever every day. Only told one or two people where I was, and I told none of them why. I came home still with the same concerns but the self harm crisis was over.

I also had been IP previous to that trip... my experience is mine alone, but it actually made me worse. Which is why I looked for another option.

Thankfully my pdoc works out of a local university that has a state of the art, excellent ip program. but I don't think that will go well with 'my friends' so I'm going to message the husband and ask if he would be okay if i went away for a couple of days. He'll support me but I just like to discuss things with him.

That back and forth, and reassurance, is pretty consistant with narcisism

I've been reading about gaslighting and narcissism all morning, and I keep swinging from "holy crap this is literally describing the last 3 years of my life" to "but... *insert various things that make me question it*" over and over.

Narcissism is a spectrum though, right? His being a narcissist doesn't have to mean he's Satan incarnate, right? He can have genuinely good qualities too, right??

Can you even have a functional relationship with a narcissist?

If he is a narcissist, does that mean I will HAVE to say goodbye for good or always suffer?

I cannot mesh the "Evil" picture of narcissism with the "Savior" picture built from my memories......

This hurts so f-ing much.

And, has he always been this way?

I can't even remember...

How much of this is because he was diagnosed with cancer?

Is that what is causing it?

I don't know...I don't know.

I just know that I feel crazy. That's why I am taking the break.

Future ex was pretty clearly a narcissist. So yes, they can have good qualities - but whether they're genuinely good or acting as part of the whole manipulate and keep you off balance thing was never clear to me. Ultimately the bad was worse than the good.

Was it a functional relationship? God, no.

As for evil...I would not say narcissists were evil, but rather they suffer tremendously. That does not make their behavior okay or easy to live with.

And yeah, there's an excellent chance if you stay in touch you will always suffer yourself. Not worth it imo.

I have walked away from all my relationships with narcissists. I don't believe a label like that ought to condemn a person and of course, like all conditions that people get labelled with, the individual implications vary. But in my experience these particular relationships were too unsafe to maintain.

I honestly doubt the cancer has anything to do with it. There are reasons that professional licensing boards make it difficult to have a relationship with these people, because they are frought with risks and second-guessing even without the personality disorder.

I sauteed up some of my polenta and topped with leftover salmon, roasted tomatoes, fresh basil and mozz and a bit of olive oil. Yummo. Haven't tried the syrup thing because I have no syrup but OH GOD I WANT TO.

JD- I think you need a new t ASAP.

Looks like the couch is really going through it today. This makes Daisy a sad Daisy

((DNA))
((Ellah))
((Toomanycats))

Talked to spouse. I screwed up there too. He doesn't feel important, he feels out of the loop, he's jealous duchess knows more than him. He's jealous there isn't anything he can do - there isn't anything anyone can do, not even duchess. I try opening up but he doesn't handle it well and it's easier for me to not talk to him than it is to talk to him.

I **** everything up and cause everyone worry and concern and hardship.

I hate me.

(((EM)))

I'm sorry Ellahmae

I assume duchess is your therapist?

It's so hard to get our spouses to understand that they CANNOT fulfill all the roles in our lives -- that we need other people too.

JDNA: Ugh, I'm so sorry T is acting like an a hole!! Don't let that dissuade you from going to the hospital if you think that will keep you safe.

I got a perm when I was 12, and there was this one lock of hair that was straight and driving me crazy, so I cut it out. I had a really awesome fuzz spot on my head for quite some time. My mom was less than pleased.

I also only get cuddles from kids (a preschool teacher to 2 year olds), and my reaction definitely would be "ewwwwww" if I suddenly longed for physical connection.

Just finished my phone interview. It went OK I guess. We'll see what happens next.....

What is going on?

I need no T. At all

T and I are entangled in a very messy web of transference and counter transference. I think it's best if we both step back for a while and take a breather. Maybe I'll go back maybe I won't. Who knows. Of course it's extremely scary to think I will never see him again. The hurt I'm feeling over him and our therapy outweighs the benefits right now

I have not used today so there's that.

(((Ellahmae)))

DNA, I'm glad to hear that you haven't used. I don't disagree with you that the relationship between you and your T is...complicated. I hope that you're able to sort out your feelings. If you go back to him, OK. If not, OK.

Anais I am not woo woo at all, but hematite affects me the same way. I don't know why. I had a theory about magnetic fields but I think it was wrong