[Calilady]

What do you think? Do you think it's beneficial to form an attachment to your T or detrimental? If you feel it's detrimental, what would you recommend to do once an attachment is formed? Also, has anyone experienced healing by working through it?

It makes me wonder. I have trouble accepting my sexuality (gay female who was married to a man for over 13 years and doesn't look like a cliche lesbian- people assume I'm still straight), so I visit strip clubs because it's one of the few places I feel I can look at women. I began to develop an attachment to a particular dancer and I began to get jealous when she went to dance for other patrons.

When I told my T this, she said it was prob best I start to detach, because I was also becoming protective of this dancer and that the jealousy was a sign of an attachment and that I was best to let go. My ex-husband agreed. "It's a business transaction. The relationship ends when the payment does. It's not real."

Can't the same be applied to a T? The relationship stops when the payment does...but the feelings don't take notice of this and they relent.

Don't mind me, just thinking and typing. Lol.

[DodgersMom]

i think it can't be that good. the attachment only grows and makes the end, whenever it is, an awful nightmare

i tried my damnedest not to attach to mine but I'm already sucked it and it is not fun. thankfully its not erotic because i'd never show my face there again but none the less, still hard to handle... knowing we can never be friends

[junkDNA]

It HURTS!!!!!

[atisketatasket]

I don't think it has to be good or bad.

And the nature of being human is that most of us form attachments to other people. And people will pass in and out of our lives without warning. And regular attachments to non-therapists hurt, too.

So I don't think there's anything special about attachment with a therapist, nor do I think it is possible to work through it, as in, it ends. It's possible to manage it, sure.

I think for me that the attachment is a good thing. I've never had an attachment to anyone b4 & unless I experienced it, I'm not so sure I would have made the massive progress that I have made. I agree that it hurts at times, but for the moment, I'm enjoying it & my T at this moment in time is my transference dad. I had an abusive dad, so I'm experiencing a bit of what I should of had. Of course I want him to adopt me & take me home with him, but realistically, I know that's not possible. I trust my T & am working through it. For the time being, I need that attachment for my healing to take place.

[Salmon77]

I think there's healthy attachment and unhealthy attachment. Healthy is when you care about the person and they care about you, but you aren't crushed or desperate if for some reason you have to let go. I think it's possible to have that kind of healthy attachment to a therapist.

Obviously it's possible to have an unhealthy attachment, too.

ETA: a healthy attachment is beneficial, yes, especially if you have trouble with attachment and trusting people, which I do.

I think it can be good to experience attachment with your T.

Thoughts about becoming overattached--might be wise to not put all your eggs in one basket and be too dependent on your T since s/he is not going to be as invested in you as with his/her children.

Originally Posted by Calilady

What do you think? Do you think it's beneficial to form an attachment to your T or detrimental? If you feel it's detrimental, what would you recommend to do once an attachment is formed? Also, has anyone experienced healing by working through it?

It makes me wonder. I have trouble accepting my sexuality (gay female who was married to a man for over 13 years and doesn't look like a cliche lesbian- people assume I'm still straight), so I visit strip clubs because it's one of the few places I feel I can look at women. I began to develop an attachment to a particular dancer and I began to get jealous when she went to dance for other patrons.

When I told my T this, she said it was prob best I start to detach, because I was also becoming protective of this dancer and that the jealousy was a sign of an attachment and that I was best to let go. My ex-husband agreed. "It's a business transaction. The relationship ends when the payment does. It's not real."

Can't the same be applied to a T? The relationship stops when the payment does...but the feelings don't take notice of this and they relent.

Don't mind me, just thinking and typing. Lol.

Not sure I agree with your T that jealousy is a component of attachment. I'ts not uncommon for people to be jealous of strangers, for one.

Accepting your sexuality seems like a notable goal whether or not framed as attachment. When attachment is defined so broadly, it can mean anything and everything.

[UglyDucky]

I think when one is going through psychoanalytic psychotherapy (talk therapy), attachment to the T helps the process. I don't look at attachments as good or bad. I saw a commercial on TV a few days ago...can't recall what it was for, but it went like this: (Scene: A beautiful beach with the ocean and blue sky in view) Announcer says, "When we were born, we needed others." (Scene: A busy city street and the face of a lovely young girl of about 15) Announcer says, "Then when we grew up, we were told it was bolder to be alone."

I'm not totally sure that I got everything totally perfect, but it's so close that it made a huge impression on me. We all need others from birth to grave. You are the only one who should decide for you if forming attachments is helpful to you. As ATAT noted, people enter and leave our lives and attachments are formed and sometimes lost. Learning to grieve the losses and celebrate the attachments is just being human. My attachment to my T is sometimes painful (I want all of my T's attention), but the benefit is that I know I can depend on my T to be "there" when I'm hurting or feel alone. (This view is a very big achievement for me...I grew up avoiding relationships - too painful. Believe me, it's better to feel even the pain of loss than feel nothing at all)

[Calilady]

I resonate with so much of what you said. Thank you.

Originally Posted by UglyDucky

I think when one is going through psychoanalytic psychotherapy (talk therapy), attachment to the T helps the process. I don't look at attachments as good or bad. I saw a commercial on TV a few days ago...can't recall what it was for, but it went like this: (Scene: A beautiful beach with the ocean and blue sky in view) Announcer says, "When we were born, we needed others." (Scene: A busy city street and the face of a lovely young girl of about 15) Announcer says, "Then when we grew up, we were told it was bolder to be alone."

I'm not totally sure that I got everything totally perfect, but it's so close that it made a huge impression on me. We all need others from birth to grave. You are the only one who should decide for you if forming attachments is helpful to you. As ATAT noted, people enter and leave our lives and attachments are formed and sometimes lost. Learning to grieve the losses and celebrate the attachments is just being human. My attachment to my T is sometimes painful (I want all of my T's attention), but the benefit is that I know I can depend on my T to be "there" when I'm hurting or feel alone. (This view is a very big achievement for me...I grew up avoiding relationships - too painful. Believe me, it's better to feel even the pain of loss than feel nothing at all)

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

I don't think it has to be good or bad.

And the nature of being human is that most of us form attachments to other people. And people will pass in and out of our lives without warning. And regular attachments to non-therapists hurt, too.

So I don't think there's anything special about attachment with a therapist, nor do I think it is possible to work through it, as in, it ends. It's possible to manage it, sure.

I agree. I don't think attachment is good or bad. I think it just is. I do, however, believe there are ways to lessen the attachment: distancing, less touch, less out of session contact. But from what I have experienced, you can still get attached to even a distant person.

[BudFox]

I disagree that attachment is same in all contexts. Either there is a solid basis for it or there ain't. A relationship based on payment, dubious theories and techniques, power asymmetry, role playing, huge disparity in terms of emotional investment, overexposure on one side + ambiguity and secrecy on the other... I did not experience this as healthy in any way. It was ridiculous and insane.

If the justification is that a real relationship can be cruelly "terminated" without warning by the other person, well that makes therapy relationships as unsafe and potentially toxic as any other -- or in fact more so because the client is lead to believe it IS safe.

Show me someone who got into a serious entanglement with a therapist, is completely done with it, and is in one piece. In my observation they're like unicorns, they don't actually exist (ok maybe a few).

[BudFox]

Here's another reason why therapy attachment might be a bad thing, and why it is unique:

"Attachment is the drive for closeness and proximity to another human being for the purpose of being taken care of, or of taking care of someone else." --Gabor Mate MD

Therapy completely blocks proximity, beyond the hour or two per week. Attachment + distance = misery.

[UglyDucky]

My pleasure. Glad I could help.

[smileygal]

Originally Posted by UglyDucky

I think when one is going through psychoanalytic psychotherapy (talk therapy), attachment to the T helps the process. I don't look at attachments as good or bad. I saw a commercial on TV a few days ago...can't recall what it was for, but it went like this: (Scene: A beautiful beach with the ocean and blue sky in view) Announcer says, "When we were born, we needed others." (Scene: A busy city street and the face of a lovely young girl of about 15) Announcer says, "Then when we grew up, we were told it was bolder to be alone."

I'm not totally sure that I got everything totally perfect, but it's so close that it made a huge impression on me. We all need others from birth to grave. You are the only one who should decide for you if forming attachments is helpful to you. As ATAT noted, people enter and leave our lives and attachments are formed and sometimes lost. Learning to grieve the losses and celebrate the attachments is just being human. My attachment to my T is sometimes painful (I want all of my T's attention), but the benefit is that I know I can depend on my T to be "there" when I'm hurting or feel alone. (This view is a very big achievement for me...I grew up avoiding relationships - too painful. Believe me, it's better to feel even the pain of loss than feel nothing at all)

Love this...Attachment to my T has helped me in lots of ways already. I am more open and therefore much more able to explore my thoughts and actions more willingly..... I can't say I enjoy most of the feelings that come up with it or the 'knowing' that some day it will have to end but I know the pain that I have felt has already and will continue to result in other positive things for me...

One of the differences between this relationship and others is that often other attachments fizzle out in their own time or else you are not aware of their impending end until they happen so don't not spend so much time ruminating in that thought. For me, it is the knowledge that it will end once payment stops that is hard to take.

[DodgersMom]

Originally Posted by smileygal

One of the differences between this relationship and others is that often other attachments fizzle out in their own time or else you are not aware of their impending end until they happen so don't not spend so much time ruminating in that thought. For me, it is the knowledge that it will end once payment stops that is hard to take.

I'm with ya here, this is why I fought so hard to not become attached. Now I regret that I went in some ways because I know I can not deal with this, we have talked about it but he doesn't seem to get how bad this is for me, the fear is seriously strong and real. It makes me wanna not go anymore and pull away already. I will NOT handle it well, whenever it happens. That I know for sure.

[Swimmersusan]

Originally Posted by DodgersMom

I'm with ya here, this is why I fought so hard to not become attached. Now I regret that I went in some ways because I know I can not deal with this, we have talked about it but he doesn't seem to get how bad this is for me, the fear is seriously strong and real. It makes me wanna not go anymore and pull away already. I will NOT handle it well, whenever it happens. That I know for sure.

We are in the same boat, I convinced myself that I wouldn't allow myself to become attached, and remind myself that this is a professional relationship, and would be completely one sided. Although what can I say, over time the attachment has grown, and so have my fears of being abandoned! I have also talked to her about it, and I think she doesn't quite get the severity of the attachment, but then I also held back a lot with that.
The end scares me :-(

[SoupDragon]

I think attachment can be a good thing. If I hadn't felt attached to my T, I'm not sure how things would have turned out for me when times were more difficult.

But it can be double edged and painful too.

I can see the T relationship more clearly, objectively now I am doing better and am better at dealing with the thoughts of ending.

It may always be sad when important people in our life who have been very important to us, are no longer there, due to moving, death etc.. I think ending of my T will be the same. But maybe it is about being able to deal with the loss in a healthy way, that shows therapy has been successful. I wouldn't want to end and quickly move on not giving T a second thought, yes it would be less painful, but although I will feel sad, it shows I have the ability to feel, appreciate the importance of someone to me.

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by DodgersMom

I'm with ya here, this is why I fought so hard to not become attached. Now I regret that I went in some ways because I know I can not deal with this, we have talked about it but he doesn't seem to get how bad this is for me, the fear is seriously strong and real. It makes me wanna not go anymore and pull away already. I will NOT handle it well, whenever it happens. That I know for sure.

But can you really know for sure that separation from your T will be as terrible as you think it would be? If the whole reason you're in therapy is growth and insight and self-improvement (not that it is the reason for everybody, but still), then maybe you can be open to the possibility that Future You will feel differently about it. It will probably never be easy, but maybe eventually you will be in a different place where you feel grateful for what you learned, know you will miss him, but feel ready to be on your own.

It might also be worth asking your T how he handles termination so you can picture what it would be like. I terminated with my former T before I was ready because I was graduating and moving away, and I got a lot out of staying in touch with her occasionally via email, first every few months and eventually every couple of years until she passed away last spring. There was an element of growing up but not having to go away completely that was really nice. It was also so gratifying to share good life news (like sending some wedding pics) and have her respond with excitement that was rooted in her understanding of how I had struggled when I was much younger.

I "terminated" with my current T several years ago when she and I were mutually satisfied with how things were going with the issues I was working on back then. (I actually ran out of things to talk about, if you can imagine that!) I came back for new life stresses about a year ago, and at this exact moment I need a lot from her, but I can remember that I had gone years without seeing her when things in my life were going more smoothly. I know eventually I will be "done" again, but it's helpful for me to remember that she said she will have me back any time as long as she is still practicing and we both live in the same place.

[DodgersMom]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

But can you really know for sure that separation from your T will be as terrible as you think it would be? If the whole reason you're in therapy is growth and insight and self-improvement (not that it is the reason for everybody, but still), then maybe you can be open to the possibility that Future You will feel differently about it. It will probably never be easy, but maybe eventually you will be in a different place where you feel grateful for what you learned, know you will miss him, but feel ready to be on your own.

It might also be worth asking your T how he handles termination so you can picture what it would be like. I terminated with my former T before I was ready because I was graduating and moving away, and I got a lot out of staying in touch with her occasionally via email, first every few months and eventually every couple of years until she passed away last spring. There was an element of growing up but not having to go away completely that was really nice. It was also so gratifying to share good life news (like sending some wedding pics) and have her respond with excitement that was rooted in her understanding of how I had struggled when I was much younger.

I "terminated" with my current T several years ago when she and I were mutually satisfied with how things were going with the issues I was working on back then. (I actually ran out of things to talk about, if you can imagine that!) I came back for new life stresses about a year ago, and at this exact moment I need a lot from her, but I can remember that I had gone years without seeing her when things in my life were going more smoothly. I know eventually I will be "done" again, but it's helpful for me to remember that she said she will have me back any time as long as she is still practicing and we both live in the same place.

of course i don't know for sure but based on my past, with people i REALLY trust in life, they all have betrayed or left me. I've told him about my fear of him doing the same, we have discussed termination etc, he doesn't say a ton about it. just tries to re-assure me its not until I'm "ready" and that i can always go back to him down the road if i need it. i even wrote something about my fears on it and gave it to him to read, he basically just said those same things but also to bring it back in 6 months and see if i still feel the same. so not much help but i don't wanna keep obsessing over it.