T asked if I was trying to punish her

So my session yesterday was a really difficult one. I told T about a conversation I had with my Mum about how I'm not doing well lately and amongst other things she asked me if T was helping me and I said that she was. My mum then said "well I'd hate to see how you'd be if she wasn't helping!". This planted a huge seed of doubt about my T and I started to feel very angry at her for not "fixing" me yet. I expressed some of this to T and asked her "what is the point (in therapy)?". T asked me if I was trying to punish her by saying that. I said no, I genuinely want to know the answer. T also commented that she seems to be the only one interested in understanding what's going on for me (this is psychodynamic therapy). I said that it wasn't so much that I'm not interested it's just that the we explore my issues the things I find wrong with me and everything feels like a criticism. It's just all too hard.

There's more but I'm too tired right now.

She sounds like my mother. I never heard of psychodynamic therapy before. Comments like she said, I just thought of as manipulative guilt trips. That would bother me, too. Punish her? Wth?

I would rather be angry at my mother for a comment like that, rather than the therapist.

I've done many years of psychodynamic therapy and it was useful. I remember feeling criticized too, that part definitely unhelpful!! If your t does any dbt learning some of those skills may be useful to switch things up.

People who either aren't or won't go to therapy themselves can say things like this and be critical - it's happened to me. But therapy is hard work. Not great of your Mother but probably productive to work on , I've found therapy difficult lately as things come up.

My T asked the same thing once. It hurt. I still don't think I was punishing her.

On Monday I was the one that was wondering if I was doing stuff to punish T or punish myself because I felt there is/was a part of me that was/is purposely keeping T at a distance. I still do feel like I am purposely oscillating between being close to her and resisting her.

Been there, Elio. I have definitely been distant as a punishment for my Ts and others before. It is not so effective in my experience.

But I have also resisted bringing up or being completely honest about certain topics before, for fear of it coming across to T as a punishment or as attention-seeking. Retro I'm sorry you had that experience.

In this context, and likely others or she might not bring it up, that might be about relating to your T as your mother rather than observing the transference. I don't mean for this to be a judgement; it happens alot and I think it drags on until the point when the timing is right for a person to sort of step out of it.

I think people can internalize our mother's 'voice', which can include self punishment or self attacks related to externalizations or projections of the mother's sense of self, like your mother demonstrated. Undeserving, not good enough, etc.

Here, your T seemed may have feel into your mother's role and reacted to that rather than your underlying feelings. Maybe not...just a guess...

One of the benefits of T, as long as they demonstrate consistent positive regard, is internalizing a new 'mother's voice' of the T.

I just think these kinds of questions are really unprofessional on the part of a T. I don't think it's healthy that you're so confused about how your treatment is even helping you when you're the one paying for it. I don't think if your T is doing an effective job that it should feel that confusing.

Imagine if a surgeon randomly stopped operating on you and went like, do you think I'm doing a good job??

Read your post again...if she felt your mother's role (ie, that your mother wanted to punish you hence that comment), or simply intuited that your mother's comment reflect she wants to punish you for seeing T, it could have stirred up that question. So from the outside looking in, it didn't seem like a critical comment.

I've probably read too many case studies and materials about this stuff, so excuse me if I am overanalyzing.

Thank you all so much for your replies!

To continue with what else happened in the session:

After I told T that all this "exploration" felt like criticism, she said that it is not meant to be and what she sees is dynamics, patterns and cycles and trying to gain a better understanding of these things. She none of those are bad things and that it is actually a good thing. T also said she does have hope for me or else she wouldn't be here. Hearing those things did make me feel a bit better but I'm still bothered/upset about the other things.

I am going to ask T why she asked me if I was trying to punish her because I really don't understand her reason for asking that. Also, how is that not a criticism? Something else that T said which bothered me was that she said it felt like we were "in combat". I also don't know how that is not a criticism either.

To me these statements sounds like observations about what she thinks/feels could be happening. They don't necessarily look like criticism to me.

Perhaps it's easy for me to see it that way because I've been in "combat" with my T many times. Yeah, many times I don't like to admit it in the session but after leaving the session I can see quite clearly what happened. I think it is quite natural (subconsciously) for patients to want to punish their Ts, to combat with them, to want them to fail because we need to see how T-s handle those situations - do they get along and start fighting with us or are they able to see things for what they are and handle them constructively.

Observing and naming things for what they are is one constructive approach. Your response could be to ponder whether the observation could be true. Could be be that you actually are trying to punish your T? If so then why? These are all interesting questions to explore. Labelling all these kind of statements as criticisms has the effect that they will get the colour of a judgment and can be never curiously explored.

I have had some similar conflicts with my T, where his words were, to me, emotionally charged, but not to him. I don't have any advice, unfortunately, except that when I kept sharing my perspective and T kept sharing his, we came to understand each other more and it seemed much less threatening to me.

I think this was coming from a defensive place in your t. It's her issue not yours. You challenged her and she didn't like it and put the responsibility back on you. As her client you are entitled to ask anything you want about your treatment and the relationship between you.
My t has often accused me of punishing her and rejecting her with silence but that's not what's happening for me, I shut down because I have felt judged or misunderstood. She makes it personal. Perhaps it's your ts countertransference that is causing trouble here.

A T I had (no longer see her because I moved away) and liked very much was great in these kinds of situations. She was a relational psychoanalyst and believed very strongly in talking about the "here and now" of our relationship, and that included what she was feeling or sensing as the session progressed. She owned her own stuff, and if she was feeling something, she'd always check in with me to get my reaction or sense of what was going on between us. She would pose a question very similar to what your T asked you, but it would be worded a little differently. She would pause and reflect for a moment and then say something like, "Let's stop for a minute. As you were posing those questions to me, I felt hurt, as if you wanted to punish me with your questions. What's your thoughts on that? Are you feeling any need to hurt or punish me or is this coming from me?"

And then we'd pick it all apart and examine it in detail. Yeah, at times it was painful, but because she was open to the feelings being her "own" stuff, I really never felt criticized or shamed. I could examine whether or not those feelings were mine or I could put it back on her if it belonged to her. I could think about whether or not the same feelings have ever invaded my thoughts in similar interactions with people. The thing I liked the best is that she never got defensive. It was just a great way for me to think about how what I say or how I act might impact the person sitting across from me--AND I found that helpful because those kinds of situations happen in my "real" life.

Thanks again to everyone who has replied!

I was not having any serious doubts about my T until that conversation with my mother so I'm pretty sure this whole thing is more of an issue with her than it is with my T. Also, I decided about a month ago to stop seeing my Pdoc and taper off my meds as I thought they weren't doing anything (I thought wrong!). So I think that also has a lot to do with me feeling like nothing is working and I took it out on my T.

I am usually quite good at looking at things objectively but when it comes to anything T related it seems impossible. It is quite likely T was just making observations or inferences and due to past experiences I perceived that at as criticism.

Anyway, I will be seeing my Dr about going back on my medication and seeing a new Pdoc tomorrow and I will have lots to discuss with T next session too so hopefully all of that helps to get things going in the right direction again.