Afraid to admit I'm doing better

My T and I are distancing out our sessions. Right now we're at every 4 weeks. We've done this schedule maybe 3 or 4 times now. I HATE it, but I'm already starting to get used to it. I don't need as much reassurance anymore. I feel secure that she'll still be there, that she cares, and that everything will be okay. Now, I don't lie to my T, so I feel I have to be open about this. But I'm really afraid that when I tell her, she'll distance out our sessions to 5 weeks. I don't feel I'm ready for that! I am just starting to get used to this schedule. I don't know how to convince her to leave the schedule the same.

Scarlet, I am so happy that you are doing ok with the tapering. I think you have been very brave and trusting to go with your t's plan. Do you have a plan in place to continue the tapering? If you do, then could you tell your t what you wrote here: that you hate it, but you are starting to get used to the idea? It seems like that might encourage sticking with the agreed upon plan.

We don't have an exact plan. The goal is to keep tapering down a week at a time till we hit 2 months in between sessions. And the very end goal is to not have consistent sessions, but to only see her when I need to.

I'm going to try to tell her what I wrote here, but I'm worried she won't understand that it's still difficult. But I also want her to be proud of me that I'm actually coping well.

I'm going to follow her plan no matter what. It is working. I'm becoming more secure in our relationship and on my own. And I see how much effort she is putting into this, and I want to put in the same amount. I mean, she emails me every week with reassurance. She's going on vacation to Europe in August, and I still get to email her. She has offered phone calls to prevent breakdowns. And she has even finally agreed to get me a stuffed animal (she originally said it's a boundary).

The attachment just makes it difficult. I want to hang on for dear life, but I know the healthy thing to do is start to let go.

I'm confused what this sentence means. Who gets to decide what it means for you to need to see her, you or her? Right now it seems to me that she decides for you what you need and I'm not sure how useful is that.

We're practicing wants vs needs. I want to see her every week, but I don't need to right now. If the need arises, I can see her earlier. A couple months ago, I thought I might have cancer. Instead of making me wait the 4 weeks, she offered me an appointment for that week.

So in the future (hopefully a couple years from now), I won't have any scheduled appointments. When the need arises, I can go see her whenever I need to. So lets say a family member dies, then I would contact her and we'd set up some appointments. Or even lets say I start to really miss her and just need a check-in session. Then I could schedule an appointment to see her.

I know my situation sounds bad to a lot of people, but staying in consistent weekly therapy for years upon years doesn't sound healthy to me. To me, it sounds like therapy isn't really working. And it's seems more like a "want" than a "need". I get that. I'd love to keep seeing my T weekly. She knows this. But we both know I don't need it anymore. Least not right now. When the need arises, she will be there.

I don't think your situation sounds bad at all, more like a success story! I very much identify with the feeling of not wanting to end therapy but at the same time realizing it's no longer a "need." It's great that you're feeling stronger and able to deal with longer separations, and can just know she'll be there when you need her.

Thank you! It's hard sometimes posting about this because I feel like I have to defend my T a lot. She is a really good T and has helped me a lot.

I am learning through all of this to trust her more. And it's hard! With my past abandonments, I'm constantly projecting my fears onto her. But she just keeps reassuring me. And through reducing sessions and all the reassurance, she is proving that she really is there.

I don't think you have to defend your T because I have nothing against her but I just don't understand how can you learn to make a difference between a want and a need internally for yourself when the definition basically comes from her. To me it feels like an impossible catch - in order to keep a relationship with her that you need you have to accept her definitions of wants and needs for you. I think this is very well exemplified by your fear that if you tell her that you did fine then she will immediately increase the time between sessions.

I think a certain freedom is necessary to explore how things really are for you. When someone imposes restrict conditions so that you have no other choices than to accept them or give up completely then to my mind there just isn't enough space, if you like, to freely explore how things are for you.

I'm not saying all this to attack your T but rather to think about and discuss these issues.

I find it as criticism when my T's methods are... criticized? It doesn't help me. It's not supportive, doesn't offer advice, no encouragement, etc. I can't change my T. I have to follow this plan or I can choose to find a new T. And her plan is helping me. Otherwise, I wouldn't have labeled my post that I'm doing better.

I was thinking back to past Ts and counselors, and this idea of spacing out sessions is not just from my T. A T I saw for 3-4 years spaced out sessions the exact same way. And my counselor from the crisis house had the same belief: that Ts are like politicians and should only serve a few years terms then it's time to get fresh ideas from a new person.

Here's a poem that expresses time people spend in our lives:

I understand that you can't change your T's, nor do I think you should. I'm just thinking that would it be possible to accept what the T is offering (because you obviously can't change her way of thinking) and at the same disagreeing with her, because let's be honest - her 2 year term is completely arbitrary. Why would it be wrong to admit it? To me, that kind of position would sound much more independent because you are an adult and capable of thinking for yourself what you need and what not - no T can say it for you.

Right now I get the feeling that this kind of situation is like the one the kids are in when their parents are doing something that is not best to them - they just can't accept that their parents aren't doing good for them because they are dependent on their parents. But this is a child's position who really has no choice. The adult position could be different - to think independently what is good for me and what is not and although if I need something from another person I have to accept what they are offering but I could still refuse to agree with their judgement on things.

Scarlett, there is no need to defend your t's methods. To me, two common traits among people with mental health issues seem to be that (1) we can be afraid to get better and (2) we may stop taking our medicine to see if it is really working.

I just wanted to say that I hear you say it is scary to cut back on t and thinking about needs vs wants with your t seems completely appropriate as you travel along this path. Since this is your path, others who don't understand it may question it, but there are those that hear you and support you.

I would hate my T if he ever did that...because I'd feel really rejected and angry about it.

You are doing a good thing for yourself, so I do want to encourage you. Just think of what you can do with all the money!

She will fade from your mind eventually, hopefully the warm memories will remain.

I guess I'm not understanding why you think my T is defining wants and needs for me. She isn't. I tell her what I want and need. She knows that if I got what I want, I'd see her weekly for the rest of our lives. But we both know that's not what I need. What I need from her is to be there when I do need her. And she has agreed to that. She has always done her best to meet my needs.

The two years limit... I do understand it. And the limit is not just with me (according to her). She's not against a person doing long-term therapy if they need it. She just won't do it herself for over two years. But short-term therapy she'll do with a person until she retires.

Thank you so much! It means a lot to me.

I'm not losing my T! And I may never lose my attachment to her. Actually, the goal is to lessen the attachment, not to get rid of it. A certain level of attachment is normal in every relationship. But she's not leaving me. She reassures me of that every week. She's just pushing me to depend on her less and more on myself.

This sounds like the goal of therapy to me... Don't feel like you need to justify yourself or your T to those who don't get it, but it sounds to me like you are doing really good work and have come a long way since you started working with her. I understand that it's hard and scary at times, but you're doing great!

*Willow*

A while (few years) ago I was going to school only a few hours a day in a special care-class in a special education school. When we were evaluating I was expecting them to say "You're doing well with this few hours, let's increase your school hours". Instead everyone was like, this is going well and don't mess with success. So I didn't have to go to school more hours. It's very much possible your T will think similarily and not increase the time between sessions.

I emailed my T last night (my weekly email), and I told her about my fear. Here's her reply:I feel so much better now.

Scarlet,

I just wanted to tell you that I think you are doing amazing. Compared to posts from a couple of years ago, you seem night and day. I mean that in the most positive and supportive way.

Therapy can become an obsession. I know for me, I can become so involved in it- and thus, myself, that I miss out on life around me.

It sounds like you have so much more balance in your life. I think your T has really helped you. You are working through the tough abandonment fears while still receiving limited support and moving on with your life. Good for you!

Thank you! My current T has helped me so much. Two years ago, I would never have thought I could be where I'm at. I no longer SI, I don't have suicidal thoughts, I go out more, and in general I'm happy. Of course, there's always room to grow and I do still have some issues. But I'm doing my best to take steps forward even if it's scary.