The Couch 148: Boby

Dirty chai 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👌

Thanks Art, it is good to hear that it was probably just a crap facilitator. It was a part of a sort of woo-woo smorgasbord, a two week mini survey course in various body and energy work practices, and looking back, I found a lot of the guest practicioners to be questionable (entitled, unempathetic, clumsy) in approach, not just that guy.

I would likely be in a long-term stalking situation with any potential group too. Sort of how I anonymous-read PC for two years

I need this crappy dissociative feeling to go away.

I feel so scared and unsafe. I doubt that I've ever felt like this. 6 more hours till BFs finally home...

Yeah.... most of the circles take place in a small-ish room they rent in an old converted warehouse downtown, and I was afraid to go before I'd met anyone, but when they posted a thing that was in a very public place I finally got brave enough to go and meet some of them and found that they are the last people on earth I'd ever need to be afraid of. It didn't take long for that little room downtown to start feeling like a 2nd home once I went! I feel myself relaxing now just thinking about the space...

i anonymous-read pc for awhile before i posted too lol

I refuse to write letters for students unless they waive their right to read it. Otherwise it can look bad to an admissions committee.

Likewise I don't ask them to draft their own letters (or accept any offers to do so, and in one case I agreed to write a letter and the kid emailed me the letter already written and just wanted me to sign - at which point I retracted my agreement to write a letter). Admissions committees can often tell when the applicant has written the letter, and in academia it can still be frowned on, so I hope she does edit it.

Dittoing atat, not as a writer of recs, but as someone having to request them from my mentors on a regular basis and also working in an admin position where I receive and read tons of them.

Though there was one time when I asked for a recommendation from a very old and luddite professor-- he scribbled it out right there on a notepad and said "It's no good without my signature and I'll only sign it if you type it up for me!"

I had to get a letter of recommendation from my current sup to apply for the new position at work that i just interviewed for. I didn't get to read it or write any of it. At least she did tell me the gist of what she wrote. It can be maddening not knowing what the other person wrote about you!

That's a great story!

Having heard the worst possible feedback about my playing in person, I can assuredly say I do not give a flying fox about what they write!

I usually have them write me a draft -more because I think it is good to see what they are looking for and how they are selling themselves not because I am going to use it as the letter I sign. Also, if the student is not willing to put that much energy into something and then I'm not either so I often can tell by those who balk about it as to how interested they really are

Yeah, but that's my point. Applicants should not be reading or writing any parts of their letters. That is what gives the letter value and integrity imo.

The whole have the applicant write their own letter thing comes from the world of business and finance, where networking comes into play so much that letters can be almost irrelevant.

I assume she'd edit it and put it in her own words--God knows she certainly destroyed our papers with the electronic equivalent of red pen! Plus I wouldn't make it too flowery--I tend to underestimate rather than overestimate myself. I imagine it's like how in a lot of jobs you also have to do a self-evaluation. Plus I'm sure it makes it easier for her than remembering everything about me from 3-5 years ago, when I was in the program.

About a month till my birthday, but I worry. I'm going to feel lonely and hate my life. Can I cancel it please? :/

Not in any way related to LT, just an observation...

I was always under the impression that a recommendation would most likely only be agreed to if the recommender could do so favorably (I have asked and been turned down)

But on this admissions panel, I have read some brutally honest and unflattering "recommendations," if you can call them that. Basically "I will be honest, this person is very lackluster and has nothing to offer you, but if you have space for them they will certainly learn a lot from your program"

(((Capt))) i get such bad birthday anxiety too. Thankfully the day always passes.

hugs captgut. birthdays (as all holidays) can be so difficult.

Thanks, Art.

Interesting that your T said that. Hindsight does make things much clearer...but I also wonder if your T might have some issues with people, especially females, challenging her authority? I forget, does she have kids?

I definitely have some negative maternal transference for my T. I keep expecting her to react like my mom would to some stuff. And then the times she *does* say something that reminds me of my mom, it just reinforces it. And that's bad because it makes me reluctant to tell her about certain things. Which is made worse when she says she doesn't want to know about them (length of most recent MC phone call, for example).

Wow, really? Ouch! Though it's possible those writers told the person requesting the recommendation that they'd be honest/that they might not be glowing recs.

I know with some former employers, they've said that all they're willing to do is confirm that I've worked there because it's company policy--I think there's fear of opening themselves up to lawsuits if they give a bad rec (and these are jobs where I did well, so no fear of a bad one).

I will say I did something questionable... at this festival there are always the few participants that are trouble.... for two of the standouts I went and pulled up their rec out of curiosity and yep, it was all spelled out.

Idk about them knowing whether or not they'd be positive. I'd say it's academia and so the lawsuit thing doesn't really apply, but............. that is incorrect.

Then again, musicians are pretty intensely trained to accept rejection and deal with it. 99% of the stuff we try for will be turned down. So I don't think it'd cross our minds for a second to sue over negative comments.

Nope, no kids.

I would feel hurt too if t said she didn't want to know about something. Ouch.

One time not long ago she told me that she "doesn't have friends". I am starting to see why. She's a bit rough around the edges when her professional mask slips. Slips hell, I think it completely fell off.... oh yeah along those lines another thing she said last time - she asked me how my interview went, and I told her it was a behavioral interview and told her what kinds of questions they asked, and she said that she is glad she's not in that type of job market because she would not get hired. Interesting person, my t. So kind and caring with her t persona in place, but behind that, she's a mess just like everybody else, isn't she? Wow. Light bulb moment.

She might even poop!

Now that made me laugh!

Thanks for being here this morning (or whatever time of day it is if you're not in the USA) everybody. You've all been a tremendous help to me the past few days. I'm going to go do some cooking now, go put a meat loaf together and in the oven, and make mashed potatoes. H's favorite meal, because he was so supportive the other night. Then I'll be off to my shamanic thing, and then my poetry thing. I'll be back around after that though because I'll be doing laundry! Lots of laundry. Laters.