[LonesomeTonight]

New Dear T thread!

[anais_anais]

Dear M

When I see you tomorrow can you please make the migraines stop

[88Butterfly88]

Dear t,

You're not helping me. I've been seeing you a few months but see no improvement in anything. You want me to consider intensive outpatient treatment since you are not helping. But if you can't help me what are they going to do that's any different? And it's not like you are the only therapist I've had, I just feel like a lost cause at this point.

[toomanycats]

Dear J,

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I was not sitting there thinking it didn't matter or that what you said was dumb.
I was not ignoring you.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I didn't and still don't know how to explain. I just felt like I let my mouth run away with me in the first half of the hour. Said too many incomplete things. Had too many incomplete thoughts and emotions scattered about, time was running out, and I just felt undone.

I was listening to you, I swear. I was thinking...that I didn't WANT to be there in that moment looking at shadow leaves. You seemed so amazed by life; I just wanted out. I just want out of life. I don't want to DO this. I don't want to do life. It's a mistake, my being here. It's a mistake. And it's not fair because so many people would want what I have - my health, family, position in life - it is so unfair for me to want to throw it away. But I don't ******* want it.

In any case, I was listening. I was letting go of the physical feelings and emotions and trying to be in the moment. I just couldn't talk. I just couldn't. I wanted S (ex-T). I wanted my mom. I didn't want to go home. I was numb and there was music in my head and I swear I wasn't trying to be difficult. I wasn't trying to be dramatic or manipulative or anything like that. I just couldn't talk. There was too much. And then there was nothing. And then I got stuck in the nothing. And then time went so fast, I blinked, and it was time to go. And I just felt like ****.

I feel stupid asking for a second session. I don't feel like I deserve it. You said - I'm the only one who can pull myself out of this - so what is the point of asking for other sessions - because it's not like you or anyone else can do this for me or make me do it. I just couldn't imagine sitting with all of this until next Friday. I don't know why I still feel such a mess. I don't know what I'm coming in looking for. I don't know anything. I hate this. I hate all of this. I hate that you don't know me, that I can't sit there and know that the person I'm talking to knows everything about me and is still choosing to sit there. I hate starting over. I hate that I can't receive everything you say and know that you already know everything about what I've done and the choices I've made.

I hate this so much. I'm scared of telling you, of telling anyone. There are things I've told S and only S - nobody else in my life - and I never thought I would be in this place. I thought he was it. I thought he was the last therapist I would ever have. I hate this I hate this I hate this. I hate that I can't email you this right now - an hour after the session - rather than printing it out and having to wait until Monday. I hate that by the time you read it, I'll be in a different place. Time will have passed. Things change over time. I hate everything. I hate losing S. I hate starting over. I hate being alone. I feel so ******* alone. I hate that I'm not doing better at this. I hate that I'm not stronger. I hate that I don't make better choices. I hate that I'm not better than this.

I'm just sorry. I'm sorry for going silent on you, not looking at you, not responding, shutting down. I probably looked angry, but I wasn't. I so wasn't. I just wanted to cry. I just felt so small. I just wanted S...or my mom...or whatever that feeling is. I just wanted to be somewhere else. I just wanted none of this to have ever happened.

[velcro003]

Hi T. It is okay I won't see you tomorrow because I really don't have much to tell you since I was off all last week, and you DESERVE a vacation, woman! This is the first you've took in two years

BUTTTT...I am afraid to go to work tomorrow. I've been off for what feels like in forever, and it was so nice, despite the fact that I was in the hospital/recovering for a few days of it. I am worried to go back to the stress, and the new year coming up...ugh.

I am also worried all of this creativity that has been pouring out of me will go away. Very worried.

BUT...it can wait a week to tell you.

[lucozader]

Dear T,

I have a lot planned for tomorrow's session.

First of all, I think we need to pause for a minute and take a look around. Assess the situation. I need to hear your opinion. What are we doing? Where are we going? Is there actually a point to all this?

I've been having some more periods of hopelessness recently. In-between the ecstasies of fantasising about you - when reality breaks through.

I could be stuck here forever. Paying you just to be in the same room as me once a week. Forever.

So. I need to know that you have hope. That you truly believe I'll 'work through' this, and come out the other side a better, happier human being. I need to hear you say it.

I guess I think you believe it, I guess you must do - but I need to hear it.

There are alternatives. Maybe you just want my money (not that likely, since I pay you so little, and less than others do)... Maybe you just enjoy basking in my admiration (though you've never seemed to enjoy it that much)... Maybe you're attached to me too, and so you don't want to send me away, even if I'm a hopeless case.

Maybe, despite all I've told you, you still don't understand how serious this is. How consumed I am by thinking of you. How painfully I need you.

Maybe you just remember telling me that you wouldn't leave me unless you died. Maybe that seems like a stupid thing to have promised now.

I'm looking forward to seeing you.

Luc xxx

[Argonautomobile]

((Luc))

I hope your session tomorrow goes well, and that you're able to address these very tough questions. Good luck, Luc!

[lucozader]

Thank you, Argo I am pretty anxious about the whole thing.

[healed84]

So, T... I am sure we will talk about it on Wednesday. But, yay.. was not planning on sitting with your wife at church. She saw us, invited us over-- I said ohhh no, we will stay here so there is room for your family and she insisted. Sorry you had to sit behind us anyways it wasn't as weird as I thought it would be seeing you there. It was weird that after 5 1/2 years of therapy together the first time we touched at all was today we we shook hands during the whole sharing peace thing.

[Elio]

Hi Dr. S, I don't know about tomorrow. I won't cancel, I just don't know if I can tell you what is going on. If I can ask you what I want to ask. If we can get past this or not. Do you even want us to get past it or maybe what is a better question, how do you want to get past it? - me

[subtle lights]

Dear V, I'll be writing here until you'll tranform into the T that really cares and it's warm and concerned. Oh wait, that will never happen. You are waiting for me to have aha moments, I'm waiting for you to give me support.
Yes, I can't ask for help. I'm that kind of crazy.
I'm so ****ing angry now. I'm tired.
I'm stuck and haven't really got choices.

whatever

[anais_anais]

Dear M

I'm so scared.... we have 3 or maybe 4 appointments left before you go away for six weeks.

I've been feeling very unstable lately from all the stuff that's come up... I wouldn't have let it out if I felt that I had any control of it, but it looks like I'm not able to control myself that way. It's like the scene in Spirited Away where the old mucky spirit walks in for a bath and the girl pulls on a tiny bit of twig to dislodge it, and instead all this mud and garbage come spilling out and flood the bathhouse. I don't know whether to try and process it all with you before you leave or to just step back and try to rest. And I don't have much time to decide.

And then... the fire. Can we talk more about that? It will be a year ago while you're away. Can we get a plan? I think I might not be ok. You were gone when it happened too. I'm still not 100% cool with that. I know it's dumb.

Dear T,

I was a bit frustrated with you the last time I wrote a letter (well, my anonymous internetz letter on this forum that you'll never read), but now I think I'm okay. I'm not going to forget what you did, though, when you screwed me over with scheduling someone else during MY appointment slot. Do it again and I'll probably leave you, but not without roasting your @ss first!

Seriously, you can't be a hypocrite when it comes to scheduling therapy appointments. I'm actually going to yell at you when I see you on Tuesday.

You're fortunate that I'm medicated and not agitated. I was agitated two sessions ago and you saw how that went, right? Yeah, don't agitate me.

[atisketatasket]

Dear CW,

I just did something in a rare brave moment, the possible consequences of which now have me shaking in fear. It was something I was going to ask you for help with at our last session, before, you know, you went all gaslighting and manipulative and paranoid about my making a complaint against you on me.

It would have been a lot easier if I could have relied on you at least a little bit. But that probably would have made you feel "boxed in." And we can't have that, now can we?

ATAT

Dear XXX,

No need to pretend you are keeping a promise to me when you threw me overboard tied to an anchor.

RK

[Demunie]

Hi T,

Soooo, I just woke up from my "let's sleep instead of doing something productive"-nap. I believed that we actually have tomorrow morning and that I missed our session. I was horrified. I guess that means that I should show up tomorrow...

Don't mess up.

Please?

[Elio]

Dear Dr. S, if you are getting advice from your supervisor that you should establish more structure based on what has happened, that would be a mistake. It would leave me feeling even less wanted than I already do. Right now I feel it is just the parts, if you were to tell me no more journal, I would feel that I was not wanted, not just the parts - all of me. Do you see, do you understand how fragile we are right now?

I still feel like you left me and you don't get it. You don't get that I did experience it like my history and not a new experience.

-me

[junkDNA]

So you asked to move our appointment up an hour. My paranoid thoughts are telling me that you're going to try to put me in the hospital and that's why you moved it up to 9 a.m. instead of 10 to give you more time. I know I said I probably need to be in a hospital till I get my meds sorted out but part of me does not want to go to the hospital so I'm scared

Originally Posted by junkDNA

So you asked to move our appointment up an hour. My paranoid thoughts are telling me that you're going to try to put me in the hospital and that's why you moved it up to 9 a.m. instead of 10 to give you more time. I know I said I probably need to be in a hospital till I get my meds sorted out but part of me does not want to go to the hospital so I'm scared

Sorry you're going through this

Have you told anybody in real life besides your therapist? Having a support system has helped keep me sane at times, even when I'm at my worst.

Is there a reason you don't want to go to the hospital? I know I've always been too paranoid to go, so I've never been, even when full blown psychotic or suicidal. The hospital is an anxiety thing for me. I'm often in the same situation where I know I should go, but then something holds me back

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Sorry you're going through this

Have you told anybody in real life besides your therapist? Having a support system has helped keep me sane at times, even when I'm at my worst.

Is there a reason you don't want to go to the hospital? I know I've always been too paranoid to go, so I've never been, even when full blown psychotic or suicidal. The hospital is an anxiety thing for me. I'm often in the same situation where I know I should go, but then something holds me back

No... Well my roommate (the girl) knows about my hallucination problems. And paranoia. I don't talk about it with her often though. Other than that... No... Just my T. He wants to start a hearing voices group soon

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Sorry you're going through this

Have you told anybody in real life besides your therapist? Having a support system has helped keep me sane at times, even when I'm at my worst.

Is there a reason you don't want to go to the hospital? I know I've always been too paranoid to go, so I've never been, even when full blown psychotic or suicidal. The hospital is an anxiety thing for me. I'm often in the same situation where I know I should go, but then something holds me back

I hate hospitals... Point blank

[anais_anais]

hugs jdna, I would like to think he wouldn't spring something like that without consulting you. it seems he's given you a lot of autonomy in the past when you've requested it.

could be, for instance, he has to be out late the night before and is realizing 9 is a little early to be on point with a client. could be any number of things.

Originally Posted by junkDNA

I hate hospitals... Point blank

Understandable.

I don't have any advice, but I hope you start to feel better soon.

[anais_anais]

M! M! M! M! M!

thank you for the prints thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!!!

but i didn't like what you said about not dramatizing this thing with the other. i am certain you meant it for yourself and for L, to take a less provocative approach to processing work in order to avoid the huge meltdowns i had the past two weeks. however. it still feels a little like i am being told off for having a big messy dramatic thing go down in session. in which case, dude! it happened because i answered your questions!

L........ wondering about what you'll say about all this tomorrow. i'm apprehensive, i always have this niggling feeling that you don't believe me. i don't know why. you've always been supportive. maybe it's a mom thing.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by anais_anais

hugs jdna, I would like to think he wouldn't spring something like that without consulting you. it seems he's given you a lot of autonomy in the past when you've requested it.

could be, for instance, he has to be out late the night before and is realizing 9 is a little early to be on point with a client. could be any number of things.

But he moved it from 10am to 9am.idk. Maybe he's moving stuff around because he's going out of town