Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

You never should have touched my family, my friends, my acquaintances, my life.

F*** you.

J,

This isn't working out.
I'm meeting with a potential new T on Monday.
I know I should come in on Wednesday and end things with you in person.
I haven't decided yet if I can do that. I don't know that I want to pay to see you again. But I do need my receipts.

J,

This isn't working out.
I'm meeting with a potential new T on Monday.
I know I should come in on Wednesday and end things with you in person.
I haven't decided yet if I can do that. I don't know that I want to pay to see you again. But I do need my receipts.

L. Why? Me.

M,

I really really really really really really really really really miss you.

Why were they so afraid of me

T,

I'm so endlessly sad... Sad about life and how things are. Sad about who I am.

Dear T,
I know what to give you for your birthday!
It will be difficult. But if i can do it, you'll like it!

And I have a meaning of life now.

What is it, capt?

A book of his favorite author with signature.
I'm afraid a seller can deceive me and send a copy without signature. Or it will be non hand-signed.
Also delivery from USA will take an eternity

Ohhh that sounds really nice capt

I hope you can find a safe way to get it

I want you to show up at my doorstep and spend some time here. You don't even need to talk with me... It'd just be nice to have you here

My dad once did this when I was ill... He spent the entire day sitting on my small children's desk and working... every time i woke up he'd sit there. I loved that feeling

They really did care...

P,
I know that the person who was abusing me is gone now. You all seem so happy that all this crazy stuff happened and that he's in jail, but I don't feel happy. I don't feel happy about any of this. I feel traumatized. And now there's this big empty hole in my life and there's nothing to fill it with. When I emailed you last night to tell you what happened in court, I wanted to tell you that I stare at this bottle of pills wanting to swallow them all, but I didn't want to make you mad at me so I just told you that things still feel hopeless and that I would call the crisis line if I needed to. I hope you read between the lines and understood what I wanted to say but couldn't. I wish you could comfort me somehow. I really need a hug or for you to say my name the way you do when I'm crying or anything. I wish you would respond to my email even though it's the weekend. Please just help me.

I get it! I really get it, at least a little more than I did before. I don't want to tell you this as I don't want to give you false hope in regards to me "staying this way" and never going back down again.

What happened

Hi T man

Where is you? Are you okay? Have you fallen off a cliff? I sleep with the stuffie you gave me to keep u safe. I miss you LOTS but I am managing. Come back in 1 piece please

Love
Meeeeee

See In Session for details. Basically T triggered me in session (on purpose)

"Cuz if I can't love you, I don't want to love you.
If I can't hold you I don't wanna be thinkin' of you.
And if you don't want me, I don't want to want you...
and if you won't see me, I don't know what to do..."

(don't worry I'm not a stalker although my heart feels like one)

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm on day 14 since the last day I saw therapist, but only day two of official split.

It feels like a dang break-up. A very, very painful break-up.

It does. It really does. I'm so sorry you're going through it too.

Yes L I am looking obsessively at your psychologytoday.com profile trying to find some hint there. I am not finding anything.

How do you feel when you look at her profile? Relief? Sadness? Pain? Melancholy? Nothing? Anything?

Art - how about a swim? A walk? Dinner out with H?

Confused and melancholy today. I'll be ok. Just letting myself feel.