Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

Dear MC,
I shouldn't have sent that last e-mail, but I can always just say "never mind, I don't need to share anything with you" if you respond that I can e-mail you about something privately. I suspect you could figure it out anyway.
LT

FM,

"There always is a way when there seems to be know way."

Thank you for this gem. Once again your words have served me well.
I love you.

35 hours and 45 mins.

Where are you???

in 48 hours i will see you again. what will happen this time? i wish i could stop my brain from thinking about you/this/us.

I can't do this I can't do this I can't do this
I don't want to do any of this
I don't want to exist
I don't want to exist

I've left our only 2 sessions and cried all the way home, and I am a mess tonight. I don't know what to make of that.

I'm having a hard time hearing you talk about the possibility of being overwhelmed by me and resentful of my contact. I'm hearing it as that you think I am overwhelming already and are already resentful of me, and I am ashamed. I'm hearing it as reluctance to work with me. I am ashamed for all that I asked for and took from S. I am ashamed for wanting to be able to email you (or any therapist...maybe it was wrong of me to go looking for that.). I am ashamed that we are even talking about boundaries, because I want to be so perfect at staying within them and far away from ever bumping them that we never even have to talk about them. I am hearing this importance of talking about them as ...I don't know... as being something we have to do because of what I took from S. Because I am a bad person. Because what I did with S is a sign of my badness. Of my being too much for anyone to handle.

How will I know when I've become too much?
How do I know what's the OK amount to ask for and what's too much?
How do I keep from being too much?
Maybe it was safer for me to not have these options.
I really don't know that I can handle hearing about the possibility of your being overwhelmed/resentful of me any more.
I really don't know if I can handle any of this. Attachment work. Therapy. Any of it.

You're not too much and i completely understand where you're coming from. Difficult, to say the least.

Dear New T,

I watched the movie you referred to and I'm now even more confused. A friend of mine, who supported me leaving my last T, says that I'm being overly sensitive and I shouldn't read too much into what you said. I, however, need strict boundaries.

Really confused now.

How do you know so much about me and still care? I know its not just a therapist thing with you I get that. I get that there's something else, I want ask you but..

I'm too scared you'll say it's my job..

Kashi I need you to be more strategic with me. Hey I love flopping out and sipping tea but I need to get my health, finances, phobia and social life in shape. You aren't the list maker that sparky was but I kind of need that right now. I'm diabetic with a non specified eating disorder so I've been told...otherwise not specified I think. I don't exactly binge. And I don't purge or compensate. But my blood sugars are in dangerously territory and I'm out of control. I need your tough love if you have it in you.

M

Up late. Too much on my mind.

Validity.

That's what is being looked for.

I don't know. I'm not pushing. I'm not running. It feels like I'm standing here in this space with no answers.

All I have are the emotions and fragments from then, that I have no proof of.

This sucks. There's nothing to work with. Nowhere to head to. No way to validate it. I've already been gaslighted and I'm not going back to ask for it this time.

I guess I'll just hang here and wait, as I have before, and see what comes.

God has taken me this far, he will surely not walk away from me standing here. Waiting. Expecting. Anticipating.

I trust Him.

I trust you too.

Thank you!

T,
Good news: I am still having many ED thoughts and desires, but I am eating much better now.
Bad news: To replace those destructive behaviors I've started drinking and abusing pills again.
It's like I don't even WANT to be normal.
Annie

Dear MC,
Maybe I shouldn't have sent that response to your e-mail. But you know me, sometimes I just have to get something out. Like it just builds up to the point that I'm randomly crying in session or on the way home. Just saying things "out loud" sometimes helps me instead of keeping them inside. Hopefully you got that I was referring to ET without my having to come out and say it. And that you'll respond at some point today. If you could just say something like, "I understand, and you're right, it is OK.' That's, like, all I want/need.
Love,
LT

ETA: OK, sent you clarifying note. Sorry for another e-mail, but I didn't want you to just respond with "I'm not clear on what you're talking about." Please don't respond in the ways I asked you not to. I get it.

hey t. man oh man i am still trying to understand. i really need to what is that line from macbeth, screw my courage to the sticking place, and TELL you the stuff on the "If I get brave enough" page of my notes for Wednesday. It's not like I haven't told you worse things for heaven's sake. This stuff is about you and I though - somehow that makes it harder? I dunno. Why do I love you so much? Why?!
me

MC,
I really appreciate you responding so quickly, both to my initial e-mails and to my "it's OK, right?" response to your response. I'm crying right now, but I think it's more relief than anything. That I got that out, that you understand, and that it's OK. (And that you didn't feel the need to add any of that other stuff.)
Love you,
LT

**** it
I can't do it

Take care...

T,
I wish you'd text me and wish me luck or something. I know you don't do that though, so... just enjoy the rest of your vacation?

Good luck Demunie!!

(Hugs))Good luck!

Good luck

RoboT.

There, I said it. I'm going to try to be fully in. I don't want to be, because it's hard and it hurts. But I don't want to be my biological parents. I don't want to mess up my kids, so I need to be less messed up.

So, 24 hours from now we will be mid-session. Will we be talking normally? Mad at each other? Will I be crying? Will we be struggling to say goodbye? Or will we be talking about maybe continuing to work together a little longer? I guess if I knew what the outcome would be in advance, I might not even go, and where's the life experience in that, so I'm not going to waste any more time wondering. I'm just going to come and see what happens. I love you, you know.

I feel really strange - I'm sure it's OK but it feels weird. You were so " normal " last night. I'm just not used to it.