Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

deserve! that's the other word i'm supposed to remove from my vocabulary.

I just feel like complaining. . .

I"m so tired of myself. I had to go to a half day work thing today, how depressing. something new, something stressful. I am not interested in any of this. I have to completely start anew. I deserve a raise. I"m poor.

My tooth that has a temporary crown hurts. The dentist said I must grind my teeth day and night, so I might need sometimes to wear a night guard I get sometimes during the day. My teeth are telling the story of how anxious I get. My tooth was almost completely split.

I get SO hungry at times. Especially before bed. Like Taco Bell sounds really good. HOW do I break this "Bad Habit" as you say? I call it a bad feeling that compels me to eat. Although I haven't eaten anything. . .yet.

BTW, I hated your Bad Habit lecture. It felt horrible, like I'm a bad person for having a bad habit. Like I should kick myself for not being responsible and resolving this habit. Whatever. You can't be perfect. (BTW, this is my probably sarcastic humor speaking in case you missed m
y defense mechanism

I'm afraid of going back to work. It takes so much out of me to try and tolerate my issues. So much is new this year, how sad.

I hope you are enjoying your time off. I feel like a loser writing something you won't see. I feel like a loser anyway. As if I need a reason. Au revior.

T,
I tried not to show it but it made me feel really good when you complimented my sketches in my journal. I've begun a painting for you but I doubt I'll ever give it to you. Maybe. I don't know.
Annie

Dear MC,
So I told H a little of the stuff you said, but not really everything we talked about. Not sure if it will come up tomorrow or not. H asked if it would be more of a "me" session, and I said we'd talked, so I didn't feel the need for it necessarily. Still, I have the sense we'll end up talking about me some. You just...get me. And what I need. I know I keep saying stuff like that, but I'm not sure if you realize how big of a thing this is for me. I really appreciate all you've done for me, even if it means you're blurring some boundaries. T may not approve, but oh well. I know you're just trying to help me the best you can, within the confines of our relationship, and that means so much to me.

Hope we see you tomorrow as scheduled (you know my regular worries about that...) And then I'll have 2 weeks to get through--glad our vacations overlap though! I'll still miss you terribly. And I know H and I should probably be thinking about reducing sessions because we're doing better, but I just like seeing you once a week... Maybe in a few months we can cut back?
I wish you could be my individual T...
Love you,
LT

I hate that you are leaving. I don't think you like me. But I like working with you and trust you. I know you are moving on to a different stage of life. There is nothing that can be done about you going. I have to swim with the flow or drown.
I feel like I'm drowning at the moment. I suppose I'll start swimming soon.
Bye t.

PS. You don't know but i recorded our last session. I have listened to it a few times. I see what that other one said about it being "difficult". I can hear your struggle to keep the conversation moving, to get me to talk, to keep the silence from swallowing both of us. I didn't realize our sessions were such a challenge for you. I'm sorry. I understand now why you have been so eager for me to transition sooner.

Why does it always come to this.....

Wish my vulnerable child part would stop whining "T, please love me"

Hi T,

So the last few hours I did this instead of hurting myself


I want to run to you and show you... I want you to be proud of me for it... will just share it here instead...

MC,
I know you're going out of town soon--I assume tomorrow? But any chance you could respond to my text before then? I'm just feeling scared about things right now and hurting. I know you tried to do the whole preemptive reassurance, but it's not working. All I keep thinking about is your line about how I shouldn't be afraid to leave you. Like I'm not supposed to be feeling that. Like there's something wrong with me for feeling that way, that attached. Yet at the same time you say how normal/common transference is. Really, I think your use of "boundaries" near the beginning is what triggered me. I wish I could talk to you, like now, instead of at our appointment that's not for 2 weeks. And I said I'd try not to contact you while you're away, but I didn't confirm when you'd be back. Hope you're not mad about the text, though I know I should be realistic that you probably won't respond due to time constraints.
I wish we'd just talked about dogs...
LT

T, I don't in any way need to come today. Kinda don't even want to. Would rather get started on my 1st day of my online class. Too late to cancel though so I'll be there. Well, we can always talk about my short visit w mother the other day. Who actually yelled at me, her 55 year old eldest daughter, for walking on dirt that's waiting for sod. That my sister's been walking on for days unbeknownst to her. Whatever mother, I didn't want to come talk to you anyway. I should have gotten a hotel room for that last night...

LT - if it helps - I remember that MC has said before that the attachment thing is fine, and there is nothing wrong with you. I remember you saying that he has said this! If you look back through your old threads, you might find where you write what he had said? Would that help?
I hope you feel better soon

Thanks, Satsuma. He just seemed to be saying something different today, but I know he'd say that was my interpretation of it. I really think just the word "termination' (even though I brought it up, though he continued talking about it) is really triggering to me. And the fact that he said I shouldn't be afraid of it. That it shouldn't be difficult and painful. This partly came up because I said I didn't want to terminate until I felt OK about walking away, that it wouldn't tear me apart or scare me (said while sobbing of course). Which led to some of his comments.

I did ask if it was possible to speak to him for 5 minutes tonight. I know I"m asking for too much, and I'm not sure when specifically he's going out of town, but I know today's his last work day of the week. (I'll be out of town part of next week, too.) But I know I want reassurance, which is something I'm not supposed to be looking for, per him. I just feel stuck, like I want stuff (reassurance, etc.), but then I shouldn't want that, so then I feel worse about wanting it...but still want it, and on and on. Hoping a few words from him would stoop that loop...

Hi R,

In my head I sounded crabby when I replied to your message to say that it had come through five times. You know I didn't mean it that way, right?

See you tomorrow....

Don't know
Don't even care.

C,

You said in your email last night that you planned to email me a longer response today. I know you are not obligated to email, and I'm not really fretting about it... I'm just not sure what to think if you don't end up emailing. Does it mean anything since you said you would and then didn't? Or is it OK since we know you're not obligated to read or respond to my emails... just not sure. I'm ok though.

TMC

I love you. There, I said it.

MC,
Typing up a novel of an e-mail to you. Figure if I don't hear back from you in a day or two (completely understandable, since you're leaving town), I'll send it, just so I can explain what's going on in my head. Even though I know you probably won't read it for a bit, it would help to just sort of hand it over to you. I just want you to understand...
Also, I suspect the reason you're going out of town is to take your daughter to college, but I couldn't bring myself to ask that. Plus didn't want to seem like I was prying as to where she was going or anything. Hm, maybe that could have affected your responses to me today, if that was on your mind. Hm...
Love,
LT

MC,
May as well post the draft e-mail here:

I know I likely won't be able to talk to you, so just wanted to type out what I'm feeling for whenever you have a chance to read it.

I think there were a few things that triggered me today. The first was your dropping the word "boundaries" near the beginning. It feels like a warning in a way, like restrictions being put on a little kid. It suggests you're going to take something away, which triggers abandonment stuff. Like, for example, you're suddenly going to decide that e-mail crosses some boundary and won't let me do that anymore. Or that it will no longer be OK to talk about transference, that I can only talk about that with T.

Another was when I was trying to say that you just "get me" in a way that others don't. When you said you didn't think that was the case, it felt very invalidating. it reminded me of the time when I was trying to say that I felt safe in your office, with you, and you kept trying to say that it wasn't about you, that it was about how it felt with H in there, etc. You always talk about how whatever feelings I have are valid, but then in cases like those, it feels like you're invalidating them. I get what you're trying to do--you're trying to make it not about you. You're trying to remove the idealized image. But it still feels invalidating.

One of the big things was how, in the past, I got the sense you'd stick with me to work out the transference, like you'd see that through. You've talked about what it means to work through transference, how it can take stuff from the past and give it a different ending. You'd talk about how you wouldn't abandon me, so it felt like you'd be there to see that through. But then when I was talking about how if I didn't work it through with you, then I'd transfer it to someone else, and you just brushed that off, saying I shouldn't read stuff online. In my head, that was you saying it wasn't true, that it's OK to leave my transference for you unresolved. Now I'm worried you won't stick with it. Plus your comment on how if at some point that's all we talk about, we should terminate.

The other big thing was how you said I shouldn't be afraid of terminating. I don't think you understand exactly how attached to you I am. I don't think you get how much the thought of never seeing you again just...destroys me. The way you said it today, it sounded like you thought I should just be able to walk out the door today and not look back. But with the paternal transference and attachment...I mean, yes, if you ceased to exist tomorrow, I would survive. But it would hurt like hell. Of course I'm afraid. See: paternal transference. And now, even if it wasn't your intention, it feels like you think there's something wrong with me because I feel that way. I mean, maybe you don't actually "get me" if you don't understand how the thought of termination affects me...

I just want to get to a place where I feel OK about it. Maybe that's unrealistic. Maybe I just need "place where the thought of terminating doesn't feel like my heart being torn from my chest." Because that's what it feels like right now. I just need you to understand that, to comprehend what it's like for me.

I'm sure from your end, you have clients leave all the time, so you're used to it. Of course no client has anywhere near the same level of importance to you that you do to a client. H and I walk out the door, someone else walks in. But for a client, you could hold an incredibly important place in their world. You do for me. I know it probably shouldn't be that way...but it is.

I know I need to figure out how to detach from you. But please...can you let me do that on my timetable in my way? Please don't decide for me that x or y is not good for me. Like "Oh, I'll just take away e-mail/texting, that will lessen the attachment." Because, I don't think that's how it works for me. I mean, part of me thought at one point, maybe I need you to act like an a-hole to me to get me to break free. But then I realized, that would probably just hurt me...

Sorry for rambling on so long. I just want you to understand. Because often, I think you do...but then after today, I just don't know. You say how common transference is...but is it usually this intense? Please help me through this...please?
--LT

I will say LT, that from the comments you posted, I think you are reading a lot into what he may mean. You are jumping to the conclusion that he doesn't think you should be so attached, and probably should maybe terminate if you can't work it through with him, or it shouldn't be so hard for you...etc.

I gather (from the little you posted) that he was saying when termination doesn't feel so hard, maybe that is a good time to think about slowing down.

I also really think all these blurred boundaries between what marriage counseling he provides (as should be his sole job), versus all the individual therapy you receive from him in the end is going to hurt you.

I...I don't know. None of my feelings make any sense. I hate you one minute and love you the next. You mean nothing and everything at the same time. And frankly, by not leaving until the new year, I feel like I'm merely delaying the inevitable. No matter when we part, it will hurt me. You aren't the only person who has ever understood me, but I feel like you empathize on a level wholly different. I'll move on eventually, I'm sure, but...it'll be a while I guess.

Yeah, part of session today was me talking about some stuff that T had said and MC saying how I was projecting onto her. So I'm sure I'm doing that with him, too. I think I just want him to reassure me...but then I know I'm not supposed to want that either. This is just harder because our next session isn't for 2 weeks... (I don't see T for another 2 weeks either).

I was actually the one who said that I wanted to wait till termination didn't feel so hard to slow down (I'm sure it was unclear the way I worded it!) I only brought up termination because H and I have been doing fairly well lately, so I didn't know if MC was sitting there thinking, "why are they still coming here?" He did say several times that he wasn't talking about termination now, but referring to "When we have the conversation about termination,..."

I think much of this is coming from me, knowing we should be reducing sessions (he did say we could still have a regular slot if we went to every two weeks, which was good to know). But then not wanting to reduce them, not because my marriage is struggling, but because of the transference stuff.

Yeah, I know the blurred boundaries are potentially an issue--and I think that's what T is concerned about. I think MC is concerned about that at times, but has sort of painted himself into a corner, like if he pulls stuff now, it will seem like abandonment. He's sort of trying to toe the line, I guess.

Yeah, that is the difficult position that he has put himself into.

I don't think you "should" want to talk about termination just bc you and H are doing well. I use should's all the time, and my T always tells me to throw them away. Her take on therapy (and i know it is a bit different with MC) is that if I want to show up, then it is okay with her.

OK MC just called. He only had a couple minutes (there was obviously stuff going on in the background), but it helped. He basically said what some posters here did--that he wasn't saying what I thought he said. How the stuff was coming from me, not him. He said (in a caring way, not an annoyed way), "Remember how (in session) I specifically said we weren't going to talk about termination now?" And I was like, "Well, yeah, but...it just felt like..." And I went on to share some of the stuff from the e-mail I didn't send. He pretty much countered all of them. Saying it was my own fears coming through. And said he'd expected me to react this way--which he had mentioned at the end of session. I was like, "Yeah, you know me..."

He said it was all OK, what I was feeling. But that he didn't think his reassuring me on the call would help, because I have to learn to reassure myself, rather than looking for it from other people. Because I can hear it again and again from others, but it won't really sink in. I was like, "Well, hearing it from you will help me get through the next 2 weeks, at least." And I said I understood that I had to do it for myself, I'm just not in that place yet. But that I was getting there.

I said how I was worried, from something he said today, that he wasn't going to stick through the transference with me till I resolve it, which I'd thought he'd said he would do. He said that he never said that, how we aren't even talking termination. And that he can't say when we'll have that conversation, that it could be in a week, could be in a year. That it has to be the right time. I was like, "The right time for all of us?" and he said yes.

I could tell he had to go and thanked him for calling. I said it did help, even if he didn't think it would. He said, "Hope you have a good 2 weeks," and I wished him a good 2 weeks, too. He said, "Take care," I said, "thanks for calling, and you too." He replied, "Sure, thanks."

Dear MC,
Thanks for the call--you may have thought it wasn't going to help me, but it did. You're awesome and amazingly patient with me. I hope you have a great trip (whatever you're doing).
Love you,
LT

One of the things I am realizing about my fairly intense maternal transference for my T is that it isn't necessarily even about the different ending (although I do think that will be helpful). A big part of it is the experience of having a really good, close relationship that you can use as a model for forming/strengthening other relationships in your life where you can give and receive that same type of empathy and understanding. Not with everybody, of course, but with other people who have the emotional capability for it. But the therapeutic relationship has to be strong and central and well-explored, not just something that happens around the edges of something else. I needed to get "enough" (and then some) from my T to really feel these things before I could understand them. We all need emotional support in our lives, and figuring out how to be heard and understood elsewhere can make the T seem less central to our emotional well-being.