Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

Okay now I'm mad at you again. Why tf would you provide a referral to someone who doesn't take my insurance when the only reason we're terminating is because you won't take my insurance?

I swear to God you're all so frustrating. Every single one of you.

Does your insurance have any coverage for out-of-network providers? My T and MC are both out of network (as are most T's around here), but H's insurance covers them at 60% (we're lucky in that their practice files the paperwork for us, which is unusual). Not sure if that would work for you financially, but something to check into.

1. I have no idea how to read my benefits so I have no idea if out of network providers are covered. Chalk this up to adulting fail.
2. Regardless of if my insurance does cover out of network providers, I'm still a public school teacher in the US. It's a miracle I can afford my weekly co-pays.
3. Part of me thinks that if I can manage to make this termination with RoboT healthy (I would still speak to him afterwards) that that'll be a positive for me. I'm really adept at building bridges when I feel abandoned, so...I want to try to do it differently.

Related:
Dear RoboT,
It didn't escape me that you magically remembered the amount of my co-pay last Saturday. It's literally the first time you didn't have to ask me. I'm not sure what to make of that.

Thanks for sharing this. One of the big things that helpful with MC is how he's so accepting of everything. He accepts the strong feelings and will tell me anything I share with him is OK. Like he never seems to get annoyed (and I've asked) if I e-mail or text a bunch. He accepted and instantly forgave my online snooping. (T, on the other hand...) He'll say that he shouldn't keep reassuring me, but then he does anyway, and I think it's gradually sinking in. Yeah, I had a freakout tonight, and I've had some other ones recently, but I've also been able to tell him when I've felt hurt by or angry at him, which is a big step for me.

Getting some of that from him has helped with my marriage (beyond the actual counseling) because I'm now more likely to speak up if I'm unhappy about something and not just blame myself if H is upset. I think it's finally sinking in that anger--both feeling it and having someone feel it toward me--can be OK and safe, which is one of MC's overarching themes with us (I grew up in a house where anger was never expressed). And I've spoken up with some friends, too, if I was feeling insecure or was upset with them. I think it's made those stronger.

I think it can just be a very long process--I've had certain messages in my head for many years (from childhood), so it's not like a T can just say a few things and magically undo them. Which is why I appreciate MC bearing with me (while T sometimes expresses her frustration, or at least confusion that I'm not all better yet).

T,
I'm afraid and I wish you had been here today because I had a lot to tell you but you couldn't listen. Home is going okay. I"m still here. I went out with a friend from school and had a good time.

If I could book an extra half hour this week I would. I don't feel like a regular session is enough time. Forget the dream stuff. Neither of us seem to very good at it. However, seeing my diabetic dietician today was so frustrating. The diet changes are too abrupt. I wish she had stepped me down in a more measured way She is a nice lady and gave me extra time but I don't think she understands that biologically something is very wrong my body screams hunger at me much of the time. I slipped up and told her I don't want to live like this. She seemed a little freaked out and I didn't mean to sound duicidal but I'm tired of spending so much money on drs to get my weight and blood sugar under control. It feels like a losing battle. I don't want to feel hopeless

I am not sure I will tell you what I did tonight. It might concern you, and I don't want to do that.

Are you OK, Velcro?

Source: https://www.instagram.com/p/BXNBP7iDjzV/

T, are you ok? The whole name thing is still bothering me. I worry about you.

I love you.
Me

Quiet Mind- that was hilarious! [/quote]

Hey I'm drunk again.
I love you. I miss you. 8 days to go

Ain't that the truth!

Thank you for your time today...

I felt the safest today that I have in my own skin in months, and that's saying something. It still annoys me that the fear and emotion well up within me, and I can't seem to find a way to let them out appropriately. Unless I'm at the cinema, but then, that's not exactly appropriate.

Next week, the thrilling conclusion, and how I nearly keeled over in the garden centre...thanks to a display of pet memorials.

I'll miss you over the next couple of weeks. I know you'll be right there when I get back though.

Dear T,
I went to look at the video you posted and the browser said, "Check your connection." LOL. So - I did. I guess you're still there but ... the buffering time sucks.

I'm sorry for emailing last night. I should have recognized where I was like we talked about 2 weeks ago, that I'd been there before, and just ridden it out. Oops, I'm not supposed to say I'm sorry anymore. Oh welllllll. Don't respond, ok? Don't encourage me. But dang it all I wanted more of you yesterday. An hour ain't enough.

P.s. ok maybe you do have esp. thanks for the perfect response.

not especially. last night was very tough, and got the most serious i have been about SI in a LONG time. We'll see how tonight goes.

I hope you can weather the storm Velcro. You're a very supportive person round here and I am rooting for you

Seconding what RS said. Hang in there...

S (ExT),

I found your new job on Google.
Seeing your profile at the new practice where you are was like literally being punched in the stomach. Over. And over.
I ****ing hate that you didn't even have the decency to give me termination sessions.
I ****ing hate that I never got to process with you just how replaced I feel by your new clients.
I ****ing hate that you don't even give a flying **** how much this hurts me.
I ****ing hate that I still love you.

---

C,

I hurt.
I hurt I hurt I hurt.
I don't want to be alone.

Ugh. I hope tonight does improve.

Hey T--I think I almost had a panic attack driving to work today because I am doing it again. Showing up late to work more and more often despite my best intentions. I realized at lunch that they can't really afford to fire me right now as I'm the only teacher in the room, but they are probably hiring someone early next week.

thanks for your email reply. i wish we could have talked today, or maybe this weekend--but i know you are busy with your family in your off time, so i won't say a thing.

i just hope i make it through the weekend.