Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

Ugh,T. Stop being so nice to me! Seriously.

I don't want to see you, sorry

I think you will judge me. You have judged me. I want to close off. I want to stop coming. I need to find a way to quietly exit. I don't want any of this in my permanent medical file. My eating disorder is back. I need control of something in my life. I don't want you or anyone else standing in my way. I don't trust you. I don't effing trust you.

Threeeeee hours

I hope you're having fun on your vacation! I miss you, but I'm doing good. I love you! Be safe!

Dear T, I am so grateful we hung in there together, even when things were feeling so threatening and impossible. You said it won't be the last time it happens, that we end up in a mess, but I do have hope that each time we do, we seem to be able to work through it and come out the other side stronger.
I also love that you are strong enough and thoughtful enough not to shift and change with my every fear...it's the right thing, even if torturous and incomprehensible at the time.
I dreamed of you this afternoon as I napped, and for the first time ever you were not humiliating, assaulting or using me to your own ends: in my dream I hugged you, and you were a bit surprised, but you let me, and it felt so safe and so good. I hope that feeling lasts.

11 hours, t.

Dear T,
I'm worried about your reaction to my sharing that stuff with MC. I'm trying to figure out if this is about you, about negative maternal transference, or maybe some of both? Is there possibly some part of me who's like, "I know you acted like I shouldn't do this, but I can do what I want!" Like I'm the rebellious teen now. I know what my needs are; you don't. But then, I think there's some truth in that, how maybe you *don't* understand what my needs are or how I operate. While MC does. He could have been like "Why did you feel the need to tell me this?" but he just responded the way I wanted, by saying he understood and it was OK (granted, I told him that's what I was looking for, but that doesn't seem to work with you. And I expect he would have reacted about the same way had I not said what I needed in response because he's so accepting and non-pathologizing).

So, yeah, not sure how things will go today. Guess we'll find out in 4 hours...

LT

Well....that was....meh

I'm not going to email you, I'm not going to email you, I'm not going to email you!

I miss you. 50 mins is not going to be enough time.

I love you and I miss you.
But I compare myself to you and feel miserable.

Uh pdoc,

Do you think I'm psychotic? If so, it'd be nice if you told me.

Or that's just another mistake and I'll really have to talk with t about this... what if there are clients that don't research their meds brfore taking them? I know you studied this etc., but... telling me you'd prescribe me a neuroleptic (against dissociation) and then handing me an antipsychotic with no off label usage (amd dissociation as a side effect), is kind of... uh...

5 hours t. I hope I am brave enough to start where I need to. Please don't tell me you're washing your hands of me after today. I can't help but wonder what you are going to say. I am sorry for everything.

I hope you get what you need out of today's session.

I don't like this much, T.

Dear T,
I was pleasantly surprised by you this session. Sorry for expecting you to be judgmental of me. I guess I didn't need to save that part till the end so I could get out of there quickly if it got awkward. And thanks for being the one to offer the hug (even after we talked briefly about how touch is related to some other stuff).
Love,
LT

I don't feel attached to you anymore. It feels odd that I ever did. And now I wonder if it's right or wrong to feel this way. I don't think that I've really worked through the things in my life that I project onto our relationship. Perhaps it's because I'm so busy or preoccupied. My attachment to you comes in waves and spurts, so perhaps this is just another lull. I don't know, nor do I know if I really care. It's nice, if only temporarily, to be free of the hold you've had on me.

Daisy.

Dear T,
Today I had to sit with difficult emotions in session. I know how to do this but don't like it.

I am in shock that you have been so consistently kind and empathic. It's not that I idealize you, it's that this statement is true. I trust you and yet feel horrible.

Dear Current T --

The fun thing I told you about that I'm considering doing? I thought I'd do it this coming weekend.

But, on second thought, I've cancelled it. Because you're on vacation.

Since, you know, you already asked me what I have planned for the time that I won't have my sessions with you -- apparently, you expect that I should / would plan something deliberately or I dunno, I won't survive or something.

And so, even if I tell you that it just happened to coincide with your time away, you won't believe it.

So, yeah, over my dead body will I give you the satisfaction -- inadvertently even -- of feeling like I would do anything remotely different when I don't have therapy than when I do.

- A bloody-minded AY

Dear CW,

There are days when I am tempted to quiz you so I'm sure you remember who I am.

ATAT

Dear Dr. S, I love you. 22.5 hours. Please tell me the truth and please let the truth be congruent with how I feel. Don't let this have been a mistake. I'll never trust myself again if it was a mistake. I'm scared. And please don't skirt th questions. I need answers.

With love
Me

Dear T: thank you for still being my t. thank you for sitting there patiently as I sobbed my way through reading every last word that I wanted to read to you, and then when it appeared I was done, thank you for asking if I was ready for you to speak. And thank you for accepting the rose quartz crystal in the spirit it was offered.

And I love your new glasses.

Artie--
I'm SO glad that your T is going to continue being your T. I'm glad that your session went well!

hooray! i've been anxiously waiting to see what happened

Thanks!! I used up a lot of her tissues today but we got through it!