Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

I am NOthing. Which is what I was before.

How do I tell you that I am in so much pain, that I am so scared, that I need a session? How do I tell you that and get you to listen? or get you to care? There's no way to do that. YOU HURT MY FEELINGS. I am so devastated. SO what?

I am silenced. I am quiet, aren't I? just like everyone likes me I have no voice it feels. NOthing I can do. I"m helpless and hopeless. What do I do? I am journaling. I suspect you're waiting for me to leave like the borderlines do? You said sometimes it's a relief when they leave. I want to stay and torture you by just being me I am bad and that's apparently not going to change.

Hmm.. I wish I didn't have such a scrambled brain - then it would be easier to deal with you being normal. But you nailed that one again. So I'm going to relax now , or try. Thanks T.

I emailed you. I do feel better emailing you. please respond.

C,

That session was weird. I feel stupid for showing you my scars. They're so light-colored you probably couldn't even see them and now think I'm idiotic for even mentioning self harm on my intake form.

I also feel idiotic for the stupid restriction. It's childish. I'm sure you think it's childish.

No connection today. None.

Maybe I just need to be done with therapy.

You haven't texted to confirm our session yet. This is making me anxious. I know we don't meet next week. I hope you don't think that it's this week instead. Also I don't remember when our appointment is so the text would be really helpful.

Dear No. 3,

Boy, are you lousy at following directions. What part of "just send me the part of my record I asked for without any other communication" don't you understand?

ATAT

i have never was so scared of ruining our relationship as i am right now. i am terrified for monday

Dear Dr. S,

Thank you for the email. I love you.

me

You can't help me. No one can. But I enjoy seeing me. I know, one day you will say "I'm sorry capt, you should quit". One day. Next week? Next month? Next year? I don't know. Do you know?

I need to talk to someone

Hey t. Y'know how the other day you told me what year it was that you started your own therapy journey, how you'd taken breaks here and there and changed t's from time to time? I wish I had responded to that by saying "I can appreciate that and I do, but t, I'm not you. I'm ME."

And maybe, just maybe, that's what you're waiting for me to say?

25 minutes. I don't want to see you today. I'm hormonal and already very emotional. Don't ask about the text, okay?

T,

I wanna feel loved by them. I want them to ask how my studies, my life is going. I want them to care. They can keep their stupid non-sense gifts. I don't want them. I'd pay a lot for them to just genuinely care

It sucks that I feel more taken care of by my bfs foster family and his family of origin

Also I wanna care about them. They're my family. I wanna care about them. I try hard.

I don't want stupid comments going "why do you wanna go to bed at 10, you're only 22!" or"you need to smile more". Don't want stupid comments either because I have no plans for tomorrow. If I had friends, I'd have plans.

I don't wanna be jealous of that 12 year old kid because she seems happy.

Now I know exactly how important I am to you. You couldn't even remember that we weren't meeting next week.

Also I didn't enjoy walking around the building to get in this morning. Me watching you pull into the parking lot reinforced the idea that you have a rich and fulfilling life outside of your practice. Outside of our hour a week.

I don't know what close to you looks like. A father daughter relationship, I guess. Similar to the relationship that I have with my stepmom. We would be able to chat about benign things like what books we've read or our plans for the weekend, but I could also call you and talk about my problems.

This is a fantasy, I know. What I have with her is unique. I just...I wish I mattered to you.

I'm angry, but I know that underlying that is sadness. I'll never have the relationship with you that I want. And that isn't okay, but it has to be. It's not fair of me to ask you for more. You yourself once tried to discuss the boundaries of the therapeutic alliance. I felt patronized. Because I know the difference between fantasy and reality.

I'm going to keep my promise. I'll stay until the end. But after that, I think I'm done with therapy for a while. This hurts too much.

I love you.
-Daisy

(((Daisy)))

I feel like I need you too much next time I see you, don't know what to do about that

I am about to do my first driving session with you and I'm scared to death.

You can do it, growly!

oh t.

i found the perfect place to do it, if the need arises. when i was there, i felt a sense of peace for the first time in weeks and weeks. see, it can't be that bad?

that being said, i hope you don't ask about my thinking...because i don't want to tell you.

Posting here than emailing....
Hi Dr. S,

Just hi. I keep coming back to this draft and trying to think what to add. I don't have anything to add. The only thing that goes through my mind is .. be there. I know logically you are there. So - I don't know.

me

I saw your original post but wasn't sure how to respond. I'm still in the work, so I can't relate. But I know how strong the fantasy can be. I hope you're able to find resolution.

Dear C,

Your email response yesterday has helped so so much.

Just...thank you.

Ok Kashi that wasn't so bad. You think I'm fine and don't have a problem but we haven't even gone on the highway yet. Your offer of a protective talisman makes me feel cared about even if I have to suppress an eye roll at your superstitions.

Teeeeeeeeeeee