Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

Can you remember where we were up to?

Dear EI
I think you really like me.
So... I'm really sorry that you've met me.
I'm hopeless. I gave up. There's no chance.
I know you want to help... But you can't. No one can. Please sorry. Please, don't hate me.
Sorry for wasting your time.
Nothing is real. Nothing. I want "them" to take me home. I'll miss you.
THIS IS TORTURE

I miss you. I'm feeling a bit...lost. I think I am missing a routine.

Hi T

Im still alive.

Me

Dear Dr S,

I made it through the day without emailing you. Have a good weekend. I'm telling myself that you are out of town so no point in emailing you this weekend.

-me

I hope you're prepared for Hot Mess Daisy tomorrow. Not insightful, thoughtful Daisy.

Hi T.
I am not ready for you to leave yet. Even though it can't be changed. You are the only safe thing. or person. There is literally not a single other soul who feels safe to me. Walking out for the last time will be so incredibly hard. But I have done things like this before. I know how to shut down and survive. I know what will come.
I don't know if I can find safety with new t. Her room is so unsafe, so exposed to other people. I experience her as nothing. Yes i will keep seeing her in the hope that safety and connection will grow. I don't have a sense that it will. Yet.
I am detached and resigned. Others in me are not. It will probably be detached me that comes to see you for that last session. Inside we will be screaming in despair and on the surface you will only see and be given blankness.
That is all.

Dear No. 3,

Only we could get into a rupture by surface mail and the exchange of necessary (or not necessary on your end) forms.

Just like old times.

ATAT

I see you in four days! Then hopefully every week till Christmas. Hooray!

Hi R,

Today is the anniversary of my going to the doctor, and admitting that things were not good. I'm keeping it to myself, but it annoys me that I haven't felt like me for a year now.

Thank you for your help on the slow road back,

Lost

F*** you

hi ...............

I f****** hate you, you dense ignoramus.

uhoh, what happened daisy?

T--taking 3 times the normal amount of seroquel did exactly what i wanted--slept all day.

also. i am mis-typing like CRAZY on my phone nad computer (like right now), and it is makimg me so so ragey. god help me, the 11th feels like a million light years away. not sure i'll make it.

Dear Current T --

I am reading Sherman Alexie's memoir about his mom.

I am a trifle tempted to hand it to you.

With a note inside requesting that you please refrain from ever telling me again that you're feeling maternal towards me. Or, anything like that.

There are some things that can't be replaced.

No matter how well-intentioned we may be.

And, not knowing what those things are can have us cause more harm than good.

Good literature is the closest that comes to being a salve to that wound.

And, it's still a distant second-best.

Really rather distant.

- AY

I don't know why I hope that you'll understand why you hurt me. You don't understand why I'm hurt. I'm beginning to think that I don't understand why I'm hurt.

I counted. At maximum we have 15 sessions left. It will probably be less with the holidays. You asked today if I would be traveling for the holidays. The look I gave you could have killed. You took it back. "Of course not. I apologize."

You're so dumb. So human. Humans can't save me. Perhaps I cannot be saved.

Dear Info,

I gave in. I couldn't restrain myself anymore.



I don't think I'll mention this, because it would be so hard to explain why I cracked tonight. I spent something like 2 1/2 hours crying off and on really early this morning for the same reasons. But like I said, too complicated, too hard to explain without sounding crazy (combination of the usual + enormous work stress + No. 3 getting her head stuck up her *** + writers' block, and writing is how I've been managing a lot of emotions + lingering effects of Tuesday's session).

Oh, and I have my Lupron shot Tuesday right before our session. Things could get worse from that. But you don't need to know that.

ATAT

A bit taken aback when you said you have been worried about me because I have been coming into session appearing stressed and pained. Um, this is me doing reasonably well?

I threw away razors. Why? I need them.
Where are you? Please, help.

Thank you M.

It's been hard and my heart hurts.

You have helped me learn to be strong and have faith and courage.

It's going to be ok.

Time away from you in between the infrequent, poorly structured sessions is dangerous for my mind. Too much happens whilst I'm away from you and I can't keep offloading to someone who isn't professionally trained to handle me or what I say. I need you to assist me on this miserable journey. Help me find my motivation and my independence so I can one day be my own therapist and not rely on someone else for guidance.

I know you mean well. I can't express how much I appreciate you. Over a week to go. It's already nearly been a week since I last saw you. If I didn't know any better, I'd wonder whether you were out to get me. This is on the brinks of emotional torture.

Regardless, thank you for being there, anyway. I appreciate it.

What's wrong with me

just a message to let me know you care, a simple line would do, but never going to happen is it.

You win. Just like you knew you would. Congrats.