Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

Dr S,
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being you.
-me

Thank you for the goodbye hug. even though some parts didn't want it I am grateful for it.

T,

I'm sad that you're ill and have to cancel.

T, ever since I made that conscious decision to "let it be enough" - there's been a slow change going on inside me. And then last night - I saw a recent photo my sister posted of our mother and I felt - wow, I felt sad - she looks old and just TIRED, she's smiling in the picture but it's a smile that doesn't touch her eyes you know, and this house-building process has aged her so much in the past 6 months, she is 77 years old and after being angry at her my entire adult life I now see her for who she is, and suddenly the little girl inside me wants her mommy, and I don't know what the hell to do with these feelings, suddenly I regret living so far away, that she wasn't able to see her grandson more because of living so far away, I feel so much sadness in my heart, t.

It's probably a bad sign that I am now bringing SH materials to work.

Dear MC,
I hope you either call H to reschedule or send some brief response to my e-mail from this morning. I really just want to know that you're OK. But don't want to bother you with a text in case you aren't (or someone in your life, like one of your kids, isn't). Even just a "Let's just meet the usual time Monday" would show me that, like, you aren't lying in a hospital bed with an unknown release date.
Love you,
LT

Thank you for being steady. Thank you for being consistent. Thank you for your boundaries, for our boundaries, keeping us both safe. Thank you for your compassion. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for saying that you are proud of me.

Dear MC,
Yay, you're alive!
Love,
LT

sigh. sorry i have burdened solely you with how i am feeling. i know you are trying, and want me to get more help, but that would involve caring about myself.

Dear T,

My mother is driving me crazy. I know you've recommended in the past she come to session and we talk. But I feel like there's a lot I need to work on with you myself too so I'm not sure what to focus on first. I also feel like if I was less stressed my mother and I's relationship would improve on it's own.

Signed,
Confused Butterfly

I can't stand it anymore.

T, I did what I did last week during my session. Stayed in my body feeling the sadness earlier. And it led me to the knowledge that my anger never hurt her, only me. And the many times we flew son to spend weeks with them, the times they visited us and had him 24/7, were probly more special because that's how it worked out. I can't change it anyway, so I have to let it go.

I did. And then felt freedom. Freedom from the anger I've nursed against her for forever. Freedom from needing you so desperately. Freedom to finally just be me, who I am, without any ifs ands or buts, just me.

Wow, t. This therapy stuff works, huh.

It took almost 6 years but well better late than never.

Eta: I shall be fair. Tis been working all along. There have been lots of other signposts along the way too.

Today, I stand in awe of the whole process.

I'm clueless as to where I'm going to start tomorrow. I definitely don't want to have a conversation about religion, but the fact is...that moment during the Lord's Prayer undid me on some level, even though I just about stayed upright. 'Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us...'

Ouch, so much ouch. And nobody knew...because I couldn't speak. It was a frog in the throat moment, or a noise....anything but what it actually was. The ever-present unpleasantness persists. I should have learned by now to expect the unexpected, but not yet...

C,

I texted S again.
And he's back in my phone.
And I want to cancel my appointment with you, because I feel I'm waisting your time. I'm such a s***.

Dear Info,

It's 15 minutes before our appointment and I'm early because traffic wasn't as bad as I guessed it would be.

I really don't want to be here. I desperately want to go into the bathroom as soon as the woman hogging it gets out and sh.

Good sign, huh?

ATAT

I don't know where else or how else to tell you this, but I really don't think that I can voice 'it' to you. I am not sure that I can even write 'it' down. Not in front of you. Not in an email. It's too risky. It makes 'it' too real. And if 'it' is real, and if you support me, then it could be the end. But it could also be the beginning. Too scary. Too big. 'It' has to be my decision, though it is one I have been incapable of making for 12 years, so I can't imagine that alone I will ever make it. Stuck. Why did we have to go there today.

I got the book you recommended in the mail today. It does seem like it'll be a good resource. I'm going to read through it all and try the recommended practice at least once before we meet in 2 weeks.

I'm going to miss you this weekend. Please don't forget me.

Dear T,
Please don't hate me for what I'm going to tell you tomorrow. I'm sure it will probably confuse you and seem to come out of left field. But it's what I need to do right now, I think. Is it wrong if I don't tell you his name? Because I don't want you to roll your eyes or tell me how he'd be a bad fit or something. Yep, the fact that I would expect that reaction seriously says something, doesn't it?
LT

Dear T,

I wish I had the courage to ask you for a hug, and that you would hold me and hug me when I cry. I think you would probably say no, so I haven't asked. Sometimes I wish you could tuck me into bed too. I miss you a lot right now, and it's been less than 24 hours since I saw you. Ugh.

I dreamt about you last night. It was pretty innocuous. The dream wasn't the annoying part. The annoying part is that you take up so much of my conscious thought that you've now become a regular figure in my dreams.

I'm reading about attachment style, and I am without a doubt fearful-avoidant. I read somewhere that part of what helps is practicing good endings. So that's what I'm doing with you. I hate how close I feel to you. I feel like I'm a sitting target to be hurt again. But replaying the pattern helps nothing. So I'm trying to do this differently. It's hard. 10 days.

I know your job is to treat me. To say that I'm not hopeless. To say that I can feel better. How it feels? What do you really think? Are you tired? Do you think I should kill myself? Tell me. Have you given up?

I have no hope. I'm a mistake.So I'm just wasting your time. I'm sorry.
I'm in pain. I love you.

C,

I had a nightmare about you last night. I used to have similar reoccurring nightmares about S (ExT)... and I was surprised to have one about you. I've written it down to share on Friday (though I kind of really want to email it to you now...). Not symbolistic at all (these nightmares never are). Very specific and obvious.

I still need you

Why do you say such stupid things sometimes?