Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

Also, I finally ordered the book you recommended. It'll give me something to read on the way to NY.

C

I f***ed up.
I left S's number unblocked today.
He texted something benign.
I responded in a way that showed I was upset.
Now I feel he has the power.

Dear Dr. S,

I'm feeling a bit better today.

Love you,
me

This has been excruciating and damaging vs. a learning experience. I get it's not your fault, it's the limitations of therapy, but that doesn't make me feel differently. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I want you to care that I am in pain, I want you to be worried that I am in so much pain, I want you to go out of your way to help me even though that's against therapy rules. I'm so selfish

Awkwardly Yours, sorry that you're hurting. That couple sounds awful.

Ggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Dear Info,

Last session we discussed resources I could use the next time I felt like SH. You said to email you if things were bad and tell you what I'd tried, and maybe you could come up with something else.

So I did that early this afternoon. You respond at midnight--OK, fine, whatever. But all you have to say is I've really used skills and even though it feels like they didn't work I stayed safe.

Don't you get that that feels about to change every minute? I needed more than a pat on the head.

ATAT

Eta: and now you've sent a second email that says the same thing as the first in slightly different words. And I did not like the reference to "your adult."

I see you in two hours and I'm feeling scared.

I'll never be worthy. I was never worthy for parental love. All your talk about me being worthy of love is BS.

When will I learn to expect the unexpected? Choking on the bit of the Lord's Prayer that mentions forgiveness at my niece's christening was not part of the plan...

As ever in photos...I'm there, but not actually there. That kills.

Please, don't hate me

T, it's our final termination session tomorrow. I have no idea what I want to say.
I will probably be really detached and unemotional.
And then be unable to soothe the distress afterwards in the privacy of my home.
Sounds like fun.

AY--those two are predators, just out for themselves at any cost to you. Makes me want to go all crime scene tape on them.

Hi

Just..... say something

I'm sorry.

Dear MC,
I hope you/your kids are OK because you had to cancel at the last minute and via the receptionist. Had we not just seen you Wed., I would have definitely wanted to try to reschedule this week. But I think I'm OK waiting till next Monday instead of H playing phone tag with you to reschedule. I can do this. I will be OK. Even though I'm suddenly crying right now. Damn it.

But I can do this. I can wait. Really. I can.
Love you,
LT

ETA: I suck, I just asked H to call receptionist back and see if you have anything later in the week. I'm so ****ing pathetic. Sorry.

C,
Please be gentle with me when I tell you about unblocking S (ExT)'s number and his text/our text exchange as well as how much it's hurting me. Please connect with me today. I'm hurting...specifically, I've been hurt by my ex therapist...the person who was the most important to me for 3 years... and I'm kind of taking a chance by running to you...

I'm glad you will sit with me when I'm feeling lost. Sometimes I don't know how to ask for more, and I know that you understand that. You have been a better mother to me in two hours a week than my mom has been in decades of (not) trying. I want to feel better, and I get frustrated by these setbacks. But I'm glad that you can handle this and everything else I throw at you, and I'm glad that you'll be there if I need you.

Oh Christ... here we go again.

I love you.

Dear MC,
Are you OK? Thinking of you.
Love,
LT

Tell me you love me. No don't. Do. Don't. Do. Don't. Do. Don't. Dodon'tdodon'tdodon'tdodon't.

https://www.dutchbargesforsale.co.uk...gen_tjalk.html

Dear T,
Thanks for the response, I guess? Was kinda hoping for a bit more than "I'll print this out so we can discuss in session" and "take care." Maybe a "sorry that happened" or "sorry you're upset" or "I understand why that's upsetting" or SOMETHING? You're probably just thinking, sarcastically, "Oh, goodie, another session with LT talking about MC, I can't wait!"
Sigh.
LT

Dear No. 3,

You have a tendency to think you know what is better for me than I do and then to act on it without considering the effect on me. So far, that's contributed to a near-suicide attempt, abandonment by a psychiatrist, and this past weekend to some sh.

Some therapists, like DBC, are in-your-face about knowing what's best for a client better than the client. You hide your attitude behind smiling deception. I wish I had not fallen for it.

I told DBC once that you were the Darryl Strawberry of therapy. Now I'm going to try to hold to the three-strikes-you're-out rule.

ATAT

Well then.
Bye.
Thanks.
I hope I see you again sometime.