Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

I am so sorry I was super annoying with emails yesterday but thank you for being so patient and continually replying anyway.

Now I want to kiss you on the cheek. Or I want you to kiss me. I know it's impossible.
I love you more than you can imagine.

I'm in a very bad place now, T. Miss you already. It would be difficult.

I love you T. I love you. I really do.

I have a big mouth sometimes and sometimes I say just that little bit too much, hopefully I haven't scared you off.

I wish you were really reading this. I don't want to email you again (even though I do). Only 4.5 days to go till I see you. I just can't wait. I miss you so much.

Dear Prev-T, (as in, way-back)

I miss working with you. Things seemed so simple when we were working together. That probably had more to do with my issues being more simple back then rather than something you did, but still.. I miss that

Fish

17 hours now. Would it be weird if I just ran up and hugged you? Yeah, that'd be weird.

But that's all I really want to do. Hug you and tell you how much I missed you and look at your pictures from your vacation. I kind of feel like a kid on Christmas Eve.

I...I don't know what to talk to you about tomorrow. There's no point in trying to catch you up on everything you've missed. Maybe about the dream I had about us a couple of weeks ago that I can't figure out.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Daisy

Counting down the days, R...counting down the days.

Martin Prechtel said 'It all has to be said', in order to grieve properly. You've seen me all but choking on it...and I wish I knew how to bring it out. The agony of watching her die is one thing, but the additional pain of finding out that it was all a lie? Lymphoscintigram x 10000.



See you on the 24th, when I probably won't tell you any of this.

I think I did ok without you guys today. I didn't drink. I didn't get upset. Lots of lousy things went down and I heard you both telling me that it was a drag and just take it one step at a time, that the problems had solutions. And they did.

And I signed up for a bodywork class tonight. I am pretty scared. But I thought you'd like that I did that, too.

What part of "I can't handle hearing 'no' to my saying that I really wish I could email you between sessions or at least contact you in crisis" did you not understand?
I've been punched in the face.
I don't think I'm coming back.
I just contacted 4 new practices.

P.S.,
I meant don't effing say yes or no

I wish I could explain my family dynamic to you. I'll never tell them about what's going on in my head. They'd use it against me. My mom would fly down. It wouldn't work out. I wish I had the super supportive family you think I have. I'm fake as hell with them. I'm everyone's rock. Why do I take meds according to them it's because I'm depressed that I'm poor. That's easier then I have MI. Just because they're willing to throw money at the "problem" doesn't mean they're supportive.

RoboT,

"Me again with another reminder. See you at 10am.
RoboT"

I know, RoboT. I know. But as the hour grows later, I find myself less inclined to want to go to see you. I'm thinking about December. This vacation wasn't as bad as I anticipated because I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel: July 29th. There is no light in 2018.

I meant what I said in our last session. My last session with you should have been back in January when you told me you were de-paneling at the end of 2017.

If you thought our last session was bad, buckle up for whenever our last session actually is.

Daisy

Dear New T,

I hate the long pauses and the dance, celebrating my return made me cringe, but laugh.
I hate awkward pauses. I miss old T, before things went to *****. Why can't I go back to that?!

I wondered if texting you that pic of a heron on my walk was intrusive. We aren't friends though I keep acting like you are one. Today I was tickled to get a text showing that you finally leveled up in Pokémon go. Thank you for that.

Dear Old T,

I went to see New T today. Obviously, he's not you. I miss your face! Ugh. I'm conflicted because I have this duality of missing the connection we had and then glancing at my phone and seeing your last text to me that is based on avoidance. You were so critical of me avoiding things, yet you've done it to me now. Don't you understand that for all of my life, I've always felt "too much" for people? Always questioned, "Is it me at fault? Am I too much?"

New T gets it. Why couldn't you. Today was my first real session with our t-relationship disbanded. Did you think of me when noon came around? I'm so ****ing conflicted. How could you miss me when you avoided me to go off and live your life during a week of hell in mine? I was nothing but an appointment to cancel and a simple fabrication to conjure up. I knew you weren't telling me the truth the moment the text came through. You needed a vacation from me. How sad is that?

You told me that I wasn't your friend or someone you just met at a restaurant, but you wanted things to be so easy between us. You bill my insurance $125 per hour and you want us to sit and gab and for it to be easy, but when the therapy felt like WORK, you bailed. You avoided me. Now I feel like I'm "too much" all over again.

I could hear the ambivalence in your voice. The frustration mounting within you towards me. You didn't know what to do with me now that the sessions weren't like two girlfriends laughing it up.

I got my panic attacks under control. I've fought my anxiety. And all you wanted to talk about was the week before. How was that going to get me anywhere?! And now I have to detach from you...that is so ****ing painful for an avoidant to do. It causes me physical pain to disengage.

New T gets it. I didn't even have to explain that much to New T. He filled in the blanks and I just sat there nodding. But New T isn't you.

It's like I'm picking up the little girl in me and she's flailing and crying for a loved one she doesn't want to say goodbye to. I didn't want to let you go. I spent today exhausted, dreading when I saw the clock read 12:00. I tried to stay busy, but I thought of it anyways.

I feel the urge to want to cry, but it's dug in there...deep. I'm dreading having to dig it out.

Hi L. Have you thought of me at all in the past week? Well maybe not of me, but about what happened between us? Even just the parts of it that were you? I wonder, I do. It's been 7 days since I replied "I'm out" and 9 days since I saw you last. Still no dreams to tell me what to do.

p.s. today is the first day that I have not re-read your last email. Is this a sign?

I feel like an entirely new person. I'm not but I feel like I have shed a skin. This is odd. I like it yet, I'm scared of it.

Funny. I said the same to old t. I'm out.

How am I going to tell you everything that has happened since I last saw you? Soooo much has happened. Only four days now.

T,

Three more days.

I don't understand t. I don't get it. Last week you agreed to set weekly sessions. We made the times. Then this week you cancelled them. Why???/ They were our safety net. They were so if the ones who don't want to go said they didn't want to go we would be covered. We would still have times set to see you.
She said she didn't want to be there but why did you say "Oh shall we cancel our times then"??? What kind of safety net is that???
And then you say you are going away on holiday before you leave. Instead of our NINE set weekly appointments you offer one in a fortnight and a final session another two weeks after that.
Then after cutting back our sessions from 9 down to 2 and ignoring the fact that we are triggered as hell you say "So what do you want to talk about today?"
And when that triggered one answered "I just want to go now" you said "Well, I am not going to stop you. Shall we make a time for in two weeks?"
You looked in your schedule and saw the appointment for next week and said "Oh, we'll cancel that one then, right?"
And then we left, only 20 minutes into a 60 minute session.
See ya later t.
You are not safe.

Dear T
I see you fortnightly since January. But you don't know why. I think I don't deserve seeing you weekly.
But it's sooo difficult. I'm so alone.

You deserve the very best! Are you able to ask your T why you are only going fortnightly & ask if you can go weekly? If you find it too difficult to ask, why not write it down. Maybe, your T doesn't know just how difficult fortnightly is for you? I hope you are able to get what you need. Sending massive hugs to you.

What I read about you today makes me love you even more.