Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

That's great Art. I'm so pleased for you & can almost 'feel' your relief. I think the time you both have had, has been good for you & has allowed you to reach out here to others & to work things out for yourself. That just shows just how strong & resilient you have become. I know it was incredibly painful for you & it hurt so much, but you appear to be in a very focussed position now & seem to know exactly what you need. You are awesome!

When I started to see you, I was motivated to change and grow. I still am, but I didn't expect to have to deal with a relationship with you in addition to everything else. These are uncharted waters for me, and I don't know that you appreciate how difficult this is for me. You say every other session that I'm doing so well. I'm bright, well educated, in a happy marriage, not a drug addict or a criminal. I don't deny these things are true, but these facts bring me no comfort. You say these things and it makes me feel like I'm a waste of your time. I'm not even sure why I'm bothering anymore. I don't know how much farther we can go together.

So when I finally ask for referrals, I have a few requests. Older male, though I guess not old enough to be close to retirement like you. Evenings or Saturday appointments. Doesn't hate my guts like you do.

-Daisy

Thanks, JoBo!

(((Daisy)))

Dear Dr. S,
I don't know how much longer I can keep seeing you. I know I will see you on Monday and Thursday this week. Maybe even next week. I can't keep doing this. You've been wonderful, completely amazing. The work we've done has shown me what it feels like to feel loved. And for that alone I am forever grateful (even if it is only a therapeutic illusion, the feeling was real). I just don't know how I will be able to keep seeing you and not love you. So, I think it is best if I stop. - me

Please don't stop seeing Dr. S, Elio... I think you really need her right now. Why can't you keep seeing her and love her? (It's possible that I already know the answer to that, if it's similar to what I struggle with myself)

Also, I don't think it's a therapeutic illusion. I think she loves you too.

You've helped me through times when I wanted to do away with myself.... and helped me escape from an abusive marriage.
Only thing is that now I am so very very alone. I am so scared.....
But now that the worst crises are past its like I feel like I don't deserve you anymore...

Being empowered yet sad and lost at the same time is such an odd feeling(s) - I'm not sure what to do with so much in such a little space.

I agree with Lucazader. The relationship you have with your T is not an illusion. The relationship is real!!! Ok your T is not those things that you wanted/needed from your past, but the relationship is never the less real. Why can't you carry on 'loving' your T? It's something at this moment in time, that you need. Embrace the relationship & try & enjoy those feelings because when you have healed, those feelings will change. xXx

I looooooooove you again.

Hugs Elio. I wish I knew what to say to help. You've been so helpful to me in the past. But I struggle so with my own feelings for my t and we're in the middle of what is right now a messy ending and I hoped for so much different. I wish all the best for you and hope you can work thru this w your T wout quitting.

T,

There are so many nice stories I want to tell you... All those good times we had, all those fun times. I want you to see how great he is.

And how bad I am.

9 days till you're back... Vacation T is nice but her approach is "too easy". She's completely startled when I don't respond the way she's used too. She doesn't call me out either. Or asks. Asks about the only reason I have her...

Are you me? I very recently escaped an abusive marriage and I've been so scared that my t is going to abandon me now that I don't have daily crisis situations to deal with.

Dear T,

I don't want to go to therapy tomorrow. I'm tired. I just want te be in bed and not see people.
I feel lke my thoughts have become stone in the past year. They can't be changed anymore. I can't be helped. I'm doomed.

t, i was laying on my couch earlier wrapped up in an afghan trying to get rid of this chest cold I've come down with and thinking about you - thinking about how on earth do i even start when i get there on wednesday - do i ask you to start or do i just dive right in or what - nervous nervous.

...help...

C,

Please please please please please be somehow different tomorrow ...somehow actually expressing openness to connection.... all your words are right, but when I met you last week, your body language did not match them, and it scared me.

Please please please please be the real deal. I need help. I need help.

Dear No. 2,

Letter mailed. I hope what I have to say haunts you, but I don't really give a flying ****, because while the pain and bitterness will still be there for a while, I feel like I can say, Goodbye, and good riddance.

ATAT

T,

Love me, love me, love me please. - QM's Vulnerable Child mode

Feeling listened to and gently spoken to feels like being cared for, and that feels like being loved.

I know that mode very well! Hugs to you.

All the Ts I've ever had

I hate all of you

Why do I miss you on Mondays?
Why does today make me sad?
Fridays and Tuesdays and Sundays
Never feel nearly so bad.

Today is a day I don't see you
But I know that tomorrow is too
So why does today feel so lonely?
Why are Mondays spent longing for you?

Good for you!

Teeeeeeeeeeee I can't wait to seeeeeeeeee you