Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

Plz text me when u get back in town? Just so I know you are still alive??

-ur neurotic client

Soooo... are you gonna explain it to us then...? 'Cos I'm mystified too.

I wish there was some valid therapeutic reason for you to tell me you love me every session.

I wish I didn't ever meet you.
No, I don't wish that.

This hurts so bad that I'm tempted to just not come back because I don't want the pain for when we do have to separate. You said you had clients come make an appt just to catch you up. I don't want that, I want to go to a movie with you or lunch or I dont even know. I'm sitting here bawling like you're just gone forever. Why did 4have to go and let me know you on the level I know you. Why? Can I text you and tell you this? Probably not. Duchess, I love you and

**** it all. I want to just run away. I've nver wanted to hurt anyone first, but right now I want to run away from you and your hugs and your care and you, Duchess.

(((EM)))

Dear MC,
Yikes, you just showed up as a suggested friend for me on Facebook, with your photo and everything, so I know it's you, despite your very common name. Meanwhile, back when I was looking, I couldn't find you. Is this a new profile? Was it hidden before? I will not click on it. Partly because then you will know that I did. Unless I find the URL and click on it from private browsing? No, I will not do that! I will be good. I will respect your privacy. Yes, I will. And I suspect you have it locked down anyway. So it's not like I'd see anything anyway.
I will be good!
Love,
LT

Can I bring it all up without anger or fear ? Well , to both my dear T's you are a dynamic duo , but still.

S... J... C... I don't know where to go right now...

S... I miss you.... so so so so freaking much

J... why did you have to answer the "question" I told you not to answer and ruin everything

C... I don't know you at all, but you're the only one I'm allowed to email... but I don't know you... and I don't want you

I'm broken I'm broken I'm broken

Dear CW,

If you were actually a competent clinician, and could deal with clients you call "unique," I would not just have wasted my time and money.

But you're not, and I did, thanks to some bizarre desire to keep you happy so you don't dump me a la Smaug.

Expect me to be resentful in session tomorrow.

ATAT

Ok...well...we are the only ones who really know our own story. No one knows for certain what we felt, saw, heard, experienced except us. And yet we are always looking outside ourselves for validation. Was it really that bad? Did it happen the way I think it did? Am I right/wrong? We want someone to confirm our experience.

But no one else can because they did not experience it.

So we have to be our own witnesses. To validate ourselves and say our truth is TRUE.

Like for me I am always wanting my T to say "yes your mom was crazy/abusive etc"
But it only changes things for me when *I* say it. When I say "my mom was crazy and abusive and its ok for me to say that and believe it as true"

That's how I understand it anyway. Be with your story. Stand by your own truth. Own it, speak it, don't wait for someone else to "let" it be true

No one. Absolutely No ONE had a right to interfere with my therapy.
No exceptions!!! No excuses!! No ONE!!

Dear Dr S, Struggling this week with time apart. Thank you for the email this morning. -me

Dear Former T,

Miss you. How in the **** did we get here?!

He would have no way of knowing that. Just like you don't know who has looked at yours.

I heard somewhere that if you clicked on someone's profile while logged in, you would show up as a suggested friend for them. Not sure if that was accurate or not. So anytime I wanted to look at someone's profile incognito, I'd do it in private browsing or logged out of Facebook, just in case...Maybe I was doing that for no reason!

I don't know how Facebook decides who to put on the suggested list but my T pops up nearly twice a week on my "suggested friends". I haven't looked at her profile in at least 3 years and i am sure she has never looked at mine. Maybe bc we are both close to the same city and into yoga??? Or bc we email each other maybe???
You can ask Facebook to "forget " a friend suggestion.
I haven't bc it's a nice picture of my T, I don't want to be her FB friend so it doesn't bother me. And I like knowing she is out there, close enough that FB suggests her....

T.
I don't even know. Its a mess. I'm a mess. every time I think something can be salvaged out of this mess i remember you are leaving in a few weeks so its pointless anyway. It is so much kinder to myself to not see you again.

There are definitely other algorithms at play too. My husband's boss from 10 years ago showed up on mine and not on H's. I have literally no idea how. I don't think he would have remembered my name let alone look me up.
It probably is a new profile. T1 showed up on mine a few months ago with a brand new profile. I dont know whether it links in email addresses, phone numbers, even by a couple of degrees separation or what. I guess in a sense, when you consider the number of suggestions you get that you don't recognise, it's not that weird that once in a while they manage to suggest someone you know. Even though it feels disconcerting.

In two hours and 10 minutes you'll be sat waiting for me. I'm so nervous. I have so much to fit into an hour.

If you can read my mind, it's awkward.
Because I'm thinking "I love you" and "I miss you" all the time

Why would anyone ever USE another person for their own agenda? Do you have any idea how cruel that is? Now I see the trend becoming popular. Keep an eye out in case it's tried on you. Never know if that stranger you meet is actually a set up. Some people do this with their own family. How sick is that?

...that actually makes a lot of sense! If only she'd put it like that, hah...

Thank you for the wonderful explanation!

Lt... Do you have mutual friends with MC on facebook? If he recently friended someone that is a mutual friend of yours he will show up

My T has shown up on my suggested friends list. We have a few people in common. But T hates Facebook and rarely goes on it