Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

Nope, no mutual friends listed. Most of my friend suggestions have something like "3 mutual friends" under them, but his doesn't. Neither did the other T's from that office who showed up. Or my doctor. So that's why I'm thinking maybe it's either from e-mail (though my doctor wasn't on my e-mail...) or...would Facebook somehow have the contacts from my phone (since I have the main office number in there)? Or it's just like, "Hey, she has location services on, and we see she's sitting in the [name of T and MC's practice] office. Maybe she knows the people there!" MC did have the practice name as the identifying thing under his pic, plus his college.

Thanks, RS, that makes sense. I suspect it might be a new profile, particularly because I couldn't find anything when I was snooping like 9 month ago (just his wife's). Though he does have a common name, so it's possible I just didn't scroll far enough in the list before, or he didn't have a photo back then, so I wouldn't have known if it was him (I was looking in private browsing mode and maybe went through 5 pages of people with his name).

So... it's possible Facebook has your contacts. Also Facebook can tell where you are from your phone's location tracker. so if it sees youre regularly going to his office it might be suggesting him and the other Ts to you because of that

C,

I don't know if I'm going to send this yet. For one, I don't know at what point you charge for email. Do you charge if I write you a long email but don't require a lengthy response? How about if I don't need a response at all? Very rarely would I ever call a therapist; I would have to be in real crisis for that. But, I'm a writer. Literally - that's my job. Actually, I saw you studied English Literature too, and I wondered if maybe we'd have this in common: writing is my language (well, writing and music). I feel safe here - in writing. I can speak freely here; I can speak coherently here. Whereas, in your office, I completely lost my narrative. It was too enormous a shift: sitting there in front of someone who doesn't know me after years of sitting with someone who knew every tiny thing about me. Sometimes, I think Scott knew me better than I know myself.

I'm writing, because I'm having a bad night. A bad week, really. (Ok, so it's been a bad 4 months; but, I've been struggling more in the last week than in the couple of weeks before it.) I feel... homeless. Baseless. My daughter, who is 14 months old - when something scares her, she comes straight to me and clings to my legs for reassurance. I had that, sort of...with S. And, now I don't. Suddenly and without any control or say in the matter. And I wasn't ready; I had just gotten it. I'd been seeing him for 3 years, but I had just reached the point of fully feeling safe with him. I had just learned that that could exist.

Or maybe it doesn't. Maybe that's the point. It was supposed to have existed for me when I was my daughter's age. I understand that I will never get that back - I will never get to be a child again. I will never have gotten what I should've gotten from the people who should've given it to me at the time when I should've gotten it. The best spouse, friend, therapist...nobody can make that happen for me. So, what does exist? What can I have? What parts of what S provided me were truly allowable? Because, I asked him every step along the way "are you sure this is ok?" And he said "Yes. It is ok for you to want this. It is ok for you to have this. You can have this." His time, his presence, his comfort, his reassurances. But, some of the things that he told me were allowable were really not. How do I parse these things apart from what really was allowed? How do I know what is really OK? And, for the things that were not OK...How do I forgive myself for wanting it? For asking for it? For enjoying it?

I miss S. My daughter just woke in her crib and was crying. I went in and tucked her back in. And, all I can think about is how I used to imagine that S tucked me in at night and/or was just in the next room while I slept...like I am now for my daughter (emphasis on imagined; this never happened with S). Yeah, yeah. Transference. Trust me, I'm aware; I'd never experienced transference before him, and I'd prefer to never experience it again. I want to ask... is it possible to work through transference towards a previous therapist without "transferring the transference" onto the new therapist? That would be a relief. I never want to feel towards anyone the way I felt ...feel... towards S.

I'm not going to have the bravery (or perhaps even the wit) to tell you how I felt in your office on Monday. But, I should. Thus, this email. Truth be told, I don't want to send this. Because, I don't want to show weakness. I am terrified of letting any therapist see my neediness, my grief, my wanting safety and comfort again...my vulnerability. A big part of me wants to really...really make you earn every tiny bit of my trust. In truth, I've had not-so-nice thoughts about you: Why do you want to be my therapist? Why did you say that? Why did you say you wanted to provide me safety and comfort? You don't know me. What are your motives? How do I know you don't just see an opportunity to get something from an emotionally vulnerable person? Don't think that I don't know that I'm in a precarious spot right now... vulnerable to exploitation. (I'm not accusing. I'm sorry that this comes across as accusatory. I would feel this way towards any therapist right now.)

I told you I was scared.

C,

I thought I was done, but one last thing...

It's hard to send this (and I've decided this morning that I will), because a big part of me feels...this isn't enough. I could write for forever. There is so much to say. There is so much unsaid. You know that I have been seeing another therapist (J) the last few months but also feel he isn't what I need long-term. Part of the reason I'm struggling with leaving J is that he's been here for 4 months and borne witness to some of the big milestones: S's cancer diagnosis; my last visit with S (and his ignoring me while I cried in a corner of a restaurant -- a story for another day); S officially leaving; my initiating the no-contact break. There is some bonding that happens when a person is with you through trauma... that bonding doesn't exist with you and never can (there is no going back in time; no other therapist besides J will ever have been there for me during).

Until time passes, I suppose, and whoever I see (you or someone else) is with me during whatever happens next. I guess that's true... time hasn't stopped. The world hasn't ended; it just feels that way. There is plenty of during in my future.

L I am so on the verge of emailing you this morning and asking for either the 16th or the 23rd back. I'm too scared to send it though, because you're out of town this week and I'm afraid it will make you even madder at me if I bother you. But if I do and you don't get mad and you agree to schedule again - I'm going to want to work through these recent insights with you, I'm willing to commit through November like we'd originally talked about if you are. Please be.

I don't know if I can push the send button or not.

Great session T. I even liked the bit where you annoyed me and I was able to tell you and talk about it.

(((Artie)))

I hit send on mine.

You can too.
(if you want - no pressure)

Dear M and L

I did it. I moved out and now it's the day after and nothing bad happened. I am very uncomfortable in this place. It's very very dry in here to keep the piano in good condition. The kitchen is unusable and the bathroom barely. I haven't eaten or taken a shower yet for these reasons. But I will have to at some point. I want to email you and tell you I got out ok, but it isn't an emergency, so I won't. I also want to go back to my real home and make sure it didn't burn down, but I won't do that either, because if it did then my subletters would probably call about it. I am feeling numb.

I'm only human can't u see
I made I made a mistake
Please just look me in my face
Tell me everything's okay

I'll never be like you

This is true. Most of the 'suggested friends' on my FB list are people whom I have mutual friends in common or are once or twice removed from a friend of mine. They also look at common interests, former workplaces, groups, etc.

And... so what if you show up in thie suggested friends list? So WHAT if you look at their profile. It doesn't hurt them and it's no invasion of privacy. Whatever they put out there is their choice.

The question is only, of course, how does it affect you. That is something you'll want to consider.

Well, he knows I snooped once (well, twice) before because I admitted it due to some guilt over finding his wife's Facebook page (which included a pic of her, him, and their kids as a previous profile pic). He forgave me, but at the time, asked me not to poke around anymore, at least with stuff involving her. I realize now that his wife was terminal at that point, as she passed away a few weeks later, so I think he was trying to both protect me from that and maintain his privacy. That was the other case of snooping, where I had a weird feeling based on a comment he made, a last-minute cancellation, then a comment T made. Though that was simply a Google search with her name in quotes--the obit was the first result.

And T, I told when I'd snooped on her stuff around the same time period, and she actually was bothered by it because she'd apparently had a past client basically stalk her (like, drive past her house, accessed her medical records because she worked as a medical coder, etc.). I don't think she officially forgave me, either, but she said the fact that she didn't terminate me showed it was OK.

So I guess in some ways I feel I've pushed the boundaries a little and don't know how he'd feel if I was like, "Yeah, I clicked on your profile," even though it's probably locked down. (Though honestly...he probably assumes I clicked it anyway!) I did hover over his name, so I could see his cover photo (mountains), and it said the years he went to college, but, I mean, I knew that from the diploma hanging in his office. And I haven't rejected the friend suggestion because it's nice to see his face in there.

Dear T -

The past two weeks, when I haven't been able to afford to come in, felt like one of the most shameful things I've ever done. Thank you for agreeing to talk on the phone during my appointment hour. Thank you for saying you'll find a social work intern to help me apply for Medicaid in September.

Dear C,

Thank you for your response. You have given me a tremendous amount to think about...and, I feel lighter right now. Still skeptical. Still cautious. But, there's a glimmer of hope in there too...

Bear in mind you are almost certainly already in his list if he is in yours (it would make the most sense if the algorithm worked in a mutual way), so clicking or not wont make any difference to that. (Not that I am encouraging you to click or anything, you may have other reasons you may not want to!). I would guess the FB suggestion is from totally innocent reasons, like his phone contacts.

I read an article somewhere that Facebook admitted they had once used location services to suggest "People you may know" but that they don't any more. As for using name searches or profile views, I read somewhere that thats a myth, ...its hard to know for sure though, as Facebook are quite secretive about their algorithms and aren't really saying.

Dear T,
How do you hate me now? You can't hate me more than I hate myself right now. Or maybe you can and do.

You triggered me pretty badly without realizing it

Dear Jess,

I cried today, again. At first it didn't wanna come out and the feelings felt stuck in my throat. I had to pull over and park and that's when it hit me. I sobbed uncontrollably and then uncharacteristically began to talk to you. I called you a jerk and a ****. I asked you why had to do that. Why'd you force my hand?! Why'd you have to go and do that?

I vacillate between sadness and anger and it's so damn hard.

Hey L. I want you to know, and will tell you this when I eventually let myself call you, that it was that one question that you asked in your 2nd to last email - it was a really good, tough question and instead of digging deep and working on answering it, I panicked, ok? I panicked and said "i'm out". How I regret that. I have since of course worked with answering the question. We need to sit down face to face again and talk through all this crap. Ok? I will call you next week when you're back in town to schedule a final session (or maybe 2). Assuming you're still willing, of course.

I really really hope we don't have to leave things where they are.

Dear Dr S, love you! Had good day overall - playful/silly. I wanna play tomorrow. Do you have any toys? Will you show me how to play? Waiting is hard. -me

Ok L. I emailed asking to schedule. I don't know what will happen now. But at least I conquered my fear and asked for what I want. I can't control any more than that.

You confuse the **** outta me.

I know better than to believe that you would do to me what you did in my dream, but the thought hurts a lot. But I guess at the same time, I would understand. I know I'm too attached.

T,
I'm so tired and exhausted. My body doesn't feel like living. Maybe that's a sign?

Oh and T - I just realized I actually trust you enough to say "no" if I don't like something you propose... That's huge.