I shouldn't have done that

So I just emailed my t asking if he has any openings today for an extra session. Now I feel super needy and I'm regretting asking. I didn't even tell him why I wanted to come in so he probably thinks I'm just too needy. Ugh freaking out right now. I want to quit and cancel my sessions half the time and I feel like doing that right now

It's okay to want an extra session just because you want it. You may not even know why you feel a need or want for it. If your therapist has time and can fit you in then great. I would read to him what you posted here and if he feels the way you think he feels then it is time to put on your walking shoes. But, I don't think he does.

Absolutely agree with AB. It can feel a bit needy I guess which may come from we didn't get our needs met or feel guilty about having them. From my own life recently I was having a fortnights space with my T but didn't feel very balanced so I asked if I could come in , and he knew I wasn't feeling very balanced.

Thank you both. Trigger warning (I don't remember how to make one): I asked him because I'm feeling suicidal, but I didn't want to mention that in the email so that if he didn't have an opening, he wouldn't feel bad. Last time I was very suicidal, he brought me to the hospital, and this sounds TERRIBLE but I feel mad at him because it's like he's the reason I'm alive. I know I should be grateful to him but I just feel p*ssed right now.

Update: he doesn't have any openings

Sorry to hear he has nothing open today. I have been in that frame of mind and it sucks to have to go it alone.

Could you ask him for a phone call during one of his breaks? My T has offered to do that for me before.

I agree that asking for a phone call may help. Don't feel bad for asking for what you need. You are making the right decisions for yourself by reaching out. Going it alone makes it so much worse.

Thanks so much for all of your thoughtful posts. He asked if I was ok in his email saying he has no openings. I replied saying that I'm ok just was feeling kind of suicidal. That was a few hours ago, I'm not really expecting a response since I did say I'm alright. At this point if I asked for a phone call I think I'd just feel way too needy since I already asked for a session I'm not sure if he does that either since I've never spoken to him on the phone

I think it's okay to feel and be needy. I'm also really struggling with needing my T right now. I find it extremely uncomfortable. But he knows that I need him right now, he knows that I find it difficult to feel that way, and it hasn't scared him off yet. We're all human beings and human beings have needs.

I'm sorry to hear you're going through something similar, but I'm glad that you are able to be open with your t about your feelings. I'm sure you will not scare him off
Okay so now I'm wishing that I had indicated the actual level of my suicidal feelings and self harm behaviors in my email, instead of saying I was fine and just a little suicidal. It seems wrong for some reason to tell him how intense it is over email. He hasn't replied because I downplayed everything.
I hope this is all ok to post here

When I was in that kind of place, I would call and ask for an appointment like you did, and if he was booked I asked him to give me a call. You might indicate it is an emergency if you think he won't realize it. I never had to do that because he knew I didn't call unless it was an emergency. He would call me that same day and we would talk and decide how to proceed.

Email him back and let him know what's going on. Ask if he could talk to you for a few minutes on the phone. It will be okay.

Lolagrace, I've only asked for an extra session once before, and besides that one time all out of session contact has been for normal scheduling, so I guess he knows this is out of character for me.
NP and lola, I admire both of your abilities to be honest with your t and directly state what you need. I cant seem to gather the courage to contact him again and I'm so frustrated with myself as a result!

How long have you been seeing your t? I've been seeing mine for a year now, going 2x week for about half of that. It's taken me some time to get to where I'm even starting to feel comfortable asking for what I need. I wouldn't beat yourself up. For me, I had to start feeling more secure in our relationship. And I still feel doubts and insecurities about being too needy. It may take you some more time to get there. Keep us updated. If you're still feeling suicidal post here for support. I've been suicdial to varying degrees for a couple of weeks now. Get support wherever you can find it.