Ghosting on Freud - client - therapist breakup

I think we're 100 yards from the finish line on our work and we've just cracked into some early and very deep trauma. Cognitively I know a lot of this is transference and I haven't reacted THAT badly as I might have done previously and have managed to process some so I know I've done well. My pattern is probably to give it a go the first time to repair but withdraw on the second , so that's the feeling. Having said that he has responded very well to problems and probably would again , though I somewhat expect inappropriate responses because that's what I'm used to. Appropriate responses for me are like
And I've changed my mind what to do already several times already.

i told my ex-T that i was ready to start the 'termination' phase and i spent a few session addressing an unresolved issue that was never properly addressed from over a year prior that i wanted to discuss. once i felt satisfied that the issue had been talked about enough and acknowledged by him (even got an apology for his mess up), i went to my session and told ex-T that this would be the last session i would be paying for. he was surprised and voiced his opinion that there was still 'so much more to talk about and address'. i told him i was happy to come to as many sessions as he liked to discuss those things he found so important to address, but that this was the last session that i would be paying for.

and you know what?? those issues must not have been that important to address after all because he didn't offer to do any 'pro-bono' sessions with me.

I've read that article before when I thought about terminating ex-t around June.

I'll ghost on Freud when I see fit. I terminated at the end of July and I'm still in pain, heartbroken. Lost. Confused. Conflicted. Flummoxed. Torn. Angry (rare for me). You name it.

SHE was free to let her personal crap leak into my therapy. My personal crap is called transference, part of my repetition compulsion, and I have to bare my soul to this person I'm vulnerable to. Spill my guts to the person who scares me the most, because she now had the ability to hurt me (when I became attached).

When her CRAP affected me, it was swept under the rug, denied, and I was told "don't look at, let alone ask, what's behind the curtain." And she became distant and aloof, brushing me off when it became too much for her. She was harsh, critical, and judgemental. Then cool and calculated, a veneer of her real self. Then, she'd let that crap come into play and we couldn't talk about THAT. Gosh no, that's disclosure. And I felt all over the dang place.

By the time she attempted to TRY to pull us out of it, I was all over the place in reaction to her. In the end, she avoided me and we continued that pattern from my childhood; I had picked someone who was insecurely attached as well and I found out she wasn't quite honest with me about a cancellation on her part.
The damage was done.

I'm leaning to going back to therapy. I've never been attached to a therapist before, so this was new...but if I become attached again? I'm out. Done. Finished. Leaving. In that case, I might try and do a termination session just to practice getting better at leaving situations, but who knows when it gets to that point? I don't.

'Patient' is usually used by T's who are psychodynamic in orient.

I disagree with some of the article, in the sense that I have given just as much thought into ending my therapy relationship as I have my marriage. The difference is that it would be physically easier to make a clean quick break with my T, no house, no kids etc. I can see the attraction and temptation but emotionally it would be hard. I can also understand why a good therapist would encourage a few sessions to help with the ending. When I fantasise about ending therapy abruptly, its usually because:

1.I'm angry and want to cause him hurt
2.I would probably stay if I had time to think about it properly

I haven't left either relationship yet. I still harbour some hope that both will get better and I will have a good experience of love. I think I'm an optimistic fool.

But what if you get attached to a therapist who actually knows how to handle it? I'm guessing there are other ways to change your attachment style, but having a healthy, supportive relationship with a T to use as a model seems like a huge path to healing, at least in my experience. I'm not sure I could be doing this any other way.

I understand the experience it provides for you. I guess
I should never say never, but the first thing I would question is if I was following my pattern of repetition compulsion and attaching to someone unavailable to me.

[/QUOTE]Makes total sense. Unsafe people can absolutely make the problem so much worse, which I understand from (painful) past experience. The need to avoid being re-traumatized should take precedence over the desire to heal. I'm not going to pretend that I understood any of this before I blundered into a healthy attachment with my current T, and I'm still completely bewildered about how to tell who is a "safe" person and who isn't.