The Dismissive-Avoidant Client

Interesting Reddit thread on the subject:

https://www.reddit.com/r/psychothera...nt_attachment/

The top answer was thought-provoking:

"Just one thought of what I tend to try to do: Balance the style they like - practical, emotionally-avoidant - with occasional exposures to your warmth, gentleness, prizing eye contact, that sort of thing. Emotional attention can be very dysregulating to these folks, but I think learning to let in someone's positive regard and to thereby learn that interpersonal experiences with trust-worthy others can be rewarding IS what the therapy is."

The word "dysregulating" really stuck out at me. I'm not well-versed in attachment theory and don't think much about my style, but this describes very well what I (often) feel when people try and express strong emotional regard.

Interestingly, it had never really occurred to me that my T might be reserved with me because that's how one treats the dismissive-avoidant client. I'd always assumed this was just his style - but maybe he's very demonstrative with other clients? An odd thought.

I wonder how much a T's style might change between clients of different attachment styles/presentations? Only Subtly? Quite a bit?

What about your T? Do you think they tailor their approach based on your attachment style? To what extent?

T's and would-be T's - is this a thing? Do you do it? What's that like?

I would be annoyed as eff if I thought the T was amping down / up the warmth blah blah based on how they read me. I like to believe I'm totally unpredictable and uniquely so

Former T classified me as avoidant and told me that her usual style -- non-emotional and cognitive -- was the reason I stuck around with her for so long rather than taking flight.

Current T is super ridiculously / intensely emotionally expressive (thankfully not in the let-me-take-care-of-you-and-rescue-you type of way though but more that she is just very open with her emotions, good or bad) -- not just with me but in general that's her style -- and while it freaks me out at times, it works well precisely because it gives me a sense of I dunno....how to deal with emotions and all that crap.

No. 1 said I had a dismissive-avoidant attachment style. But she was certainly not reserved around me. Looking at the whole crew of them, their emotional approaches to me varied so much that I doubt there's any rule of thumb.

If they're supposed to be teaching me other people are trustworthy, they're definitely not doing a bang-up job of it. Mainly because they're not themselves trustworthy.

Makes me think therapy is a scam designed to keep the population of suckers in the world stable if not increasing.

I think I am somewhere on the spectrum between this style and secure, depending on the level of my mental health (I have dealt with anxiety my whole life and when it's particularly bad, I often become more dismissive/avoidant with people because I feel overwhelmed) and the actual specific relationship I am in. My two therapists have been radically different in this sense. The first one was much more insecure than I think I am, and was all over the map with his communication style, involvement, sometimes very intrusive other times controlling and withdrawn - it drove me mad. I definitely don't want a T like that again. My second T, on the other hand, was always very consistent, same style, never cheesy or overly emotional and quite cerebral, but always warm, welcoming and respectful. We did not work on attachment per se, but his predictable, even temper and approach certainly had a positive effect. Worked so much better for me than the first insecure T and I do better with that style also in everyday life. If someone is like that with me, I am also much less likely to be withdrawn and tend to feel quite secure in the interactions, no major trust issues etc. I can have hard time with people that are overly preoccupied, intrusive and anxious about relationships and question me all the time, it does make me doubt their sincerity and I tend to become overwhelmed and then keep them at arm's length or just flee.

I found it much better when the woman stopped trying to be all empathic at me. She once said she was not longer as kind to me and was surprised when I told her I found it much much better that she had stopped trying to inflict her awful version of kindness onto me. She was surprised (or so she said - they lie so I never know if it is true or not and would not represent it as truth to others) that I found her mostly unkind.
I think she has said something about me being avoidant dismissive - but if I am - I see nothing wrong with it. I certainly do not want it changed.

"I think learning to let in someone's positive regard and to thereby learn that interpersonal experiences with trust-worthy others can be rewarding IS what the therapy is."

I find this quite disturbing - if I don't go to the therapist to learn that interpersonal blah blah ******** - I certainly do not believe it is the therapist's place to inflict it upon me because of what that asshole thinks I should want or how I should be

Excellent responses - thanks for this. I quite like hearing about these things on a personal level.

I can see finding it sleazy that a therapist would amp up / down the warmth from client to client, as AY said. I can also see it being good practice. I guess it sort of depends on the degree. I'll change my approach from student to student, for instance. Some flourish on warmth and praise; others don't need or want it. Somehow this doesn't strike me as sleazy.

I think it must be true, though, that there's not really a rule of thumb, as ATAT said. As a matter of fact, I think your various T's have been remarkably inconsistent, ATAT. Almost as if each wanted not to be like the last. Not sure if they're breeding suckers - maybe cynics?

Xyn - Thank you for sharing this. I think you've expressed nicely how fluid these things are. This is part of the reason I've always had trouble categorizing myself in attachment theory - the most honest question to every answer seems to be "sometimes - it depends."

SD - Thanks for highlighting the quote:

"I think learning to let in someone's positive regard and to thereby learn that interpersonal experiences with trust-worthy others can be rewarding IS what the therapy is."

I also find this disturbing. Not because I think it's an illegitimate therapy goal necessarily - but because it seems so unilateral. As though the T privately just decided that this was the point of therapy and implemented a plan accordingly.

My T definitely modifies his emotional expression with me due to my avoidance and trauma reactions. If he is too curious or engaged with me, I shut down in fear, so he lets it out in small bits, as the first response in the Reddit thread describes. This is quite helpful to me and I am learning to tolerate (and take pleasure in) more connection and expression of emotions. But that's an identified goal of my work with him.

Darn i lost the beginning.

Anyway, i dont THINK they do this. I told my chiro that my gf and i were comparing notes on him, making sure he didnt give us the same homework exercises, e.g. He goes, well you dont have the same problem. And his receptionist snorted in the background really loud, but im not sure what at!

Why would they try to fix what isnt broken, or what we really really really dont want to look at? Not exactly a recipe for success.

Eta - i used to hear my t laughing with other clients, and i was, how come he never laughs with me? Yeah current t.

They say they do it. The guy quoted brags about doing it. Or trying to. Wily bastard.