[seeker33]

How do you cope with the fact that your T doesn't always say what they really think? They will fake liking something or supporting you when they actually think something else? Or they will say "oh that sounds fun!" when they don't mean it at all? And it's absolutely obvious because for example you're describing an absolutely boring TV show which you don't watch but you're going to watch one specific episode because your friend is there. Otherwise that show is crap. But your T will exclaim "oh, that sounds fun!!!". Or on other occasions they will change their approach or commentary about something more serious based on what you say. I do online therapy and I have copypasted all our sessions so I can objectively compare what the T said about one topic on several occasions. And that she'll change her approach 180 degrees and act like she's always claimed the same thing...

I knew that therapy is fake but today it somehow hurts even more. It really touched me that none of it is real!

I feel she does care and does want to help me, but not knowing her real opinions is just frustrating!

[coolibrarian]

I don't feel that the therapy my T does with me is fake. I have been seeing her for nearly 30 years. She is not an online therapist. But, everyone differs. Maybe being an online therapist has something to do with it.

[Salmon77]

My T doesn't pretend to like things or anything like that. I'm sure he doesn't tell me everything he thinks but that's the same as most relationships.

Sometimes I feel like the relationship is somewhat fake because it isn't a naturally growing thing like a friendship. But it is useful to me anyway.

[Argonautomobile]

I think, for a lot of people, the perception of genuineness is important in therapy. It's possible there's another T out there you'd find a lot less "fake."

How do I cope, personally? Honestly I just don't care that much. I haven't found my T to be significantly more fake than anyone else in my life, myself included. I don't think people, as a general rule, do always say what they think - and, anyway, how would one even know? One can't read minds.

Sorry this is distressing you. I hope you feel better soon.

[ElectricManatee]

I don't think I have had this experience. There are certain things my T and I both like (e.g., dogs, podcasts, psychology) but plenty of other things I talk about that she doesn't really comment on, which maybe means she doesn't know about that thing or doesn't like it or doesn't think it's relevant to share her opinion on. I think it's more important to my T that she understands why I like things or are drawn to them rather than spending mental energy on what she personally thinks about those things. That's part of what she means when she says therapy is about me.

With your TV show example, maybe she meant the fun part was spending time with your friend, not the show itself? If this bugs you, I think maybe you should ask about it.

I’m fine with most of the things you described - I think every professional service is fake in that way, I play roles as a professional myself and when I introduced and expressed too much personal stuff, it usually dis not work out well. I still like to receive and give honest feedback and appreciate when someone shares relevant useful experiences from their lives, but not excessively. But I really don’t like when people make claims that they have always said the same or something was their original idea when it is clearly not true. Just accept that sometimes we are full of contradictions! That is less fake.

[SalingerEsme]

I vacillate on this . Sometimes we will go a long while in an intense rapport, and then something will happen in which I feel put in my place almost as just another replaceable client. After that, empathy will feel fake and manufactured.

My T and I have wrangled the whole "suspension of disbelief to death", and the idea that therapy is "as if" it is real, not real. When it works, therapy creates real change in the client's real life though and it also promotes professional growth in the therapist's professional life.

I don't think there is much more to hope for than this. The client has to learn to care about real life and the therapist must have.find a true calling for the work for the relationship to fully blossom. That takes a while in some cases( like mine).

There are times therapy feels effortful, fake, and artificial; there are times therapy feels effortless like love , I think in some cases for both people. It hurts when those moments are deep almost more than when it seem fake, bc we pay attention to both the awe of the true connection and fully experience the anguish of its vanishing back into an office space with a doctor and a patient or some such configuration .

Therapy is a very brave undertaking when the therapist is growing professionally and the client is growing personally, and sometimes what is fake is that it is all under control . Overall, it is a relationship that simply can never be a real life one, but it isn't always fake either. (?).

[justlearning13]

[QUOTE=seeker33;6311465]How do you cope with the fact that your T doesn't always say what they really think? They will fake liking something or supporting you when they actually think something else? Or they will say "oh that sounds fun!" when they don't mean it at all? And it's absolutely obvious because for example you're describing an absolutely boring TV show which you don't watch but you're going to watch one specific episode because your friend is there. Otherwise that show is crap. But your T will exclaim "oh, that sounds fun!!!". Or on other occasions they will change their approach or commentary about something more serious based on what you say.

This is totally true! So much so it actually made me crack up. It's SO true. Either they suck at faking, or they are trying to NOT get too personal and act like they care. I found my experience to be genuine at first, then as more time passed, very fake. I'd get responses like "Oh wow, that's scary", without any emotion or sincerity at all. I remember thinking, "yeah, like you give a rat's ***." Wish I had walked out.

So how do you handle it? I'd leave. My thought is that they've lost their empathy. I wish I had seen through it much faster.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

I don't feel like the relationship I have with my T is fake. Sure, he's rather supporitive of things I do, but I have never felt like something he said was not genuine. I have also never had him change his opinion or approach 180 degrees like you describe (and I do write down everything we discuss for each session), so that doesn't bother me either.

[Lrad123]

I struggle with this too, but maybe in a different way than you are saying. For me, I wonder if any of my feelings towards my therapist are real. Not sure if I’m thinking about it the right way, but isn’t it all transference? I mean, I don’t know much about him, yet I have strong feelings towards him. If it’s transference, then does that mean it’s all fake?

[stopdog]

I never expected it to be real. That therapists are actors is simply how I see it. That part of therapy never bothered me and I don't see that it makes any difference. I even found it amusing to observe at times. I did not hire them to be real people in relation to me.

[feileacan]

I haven't experienced my therapy as fake. But I have never caught my therapist in saying any of those fake things anyway. My relationship with my T is under my great scrutiny and I find it one of the most genuine thing in my life.

I totally believe that there are fake therapists out there but I wouldn't have any patience for them. I'm willing to spend my money on therapy but not on some fake wannabes.

[ArtleyWilkins]

My therapists never "faked" a response. They kind of told it like it was, whether they liked it or not, or agreed or not. I've never experienced therapist as fake.

She's far too rude and direct to fake interest or compassion.

Those that claim that the T's acts are genuine - I wonder how do you really know? Faking means pretending something is real.

[SlumberKitty]

I think my former T was fake with me once, when she was trying to be reassuring that everything was okay. Her words were telling me that, but the tone of her voice was telling me that everything was not okay. Not very reassuring. However, on the whole, I found my experience with my former T to be more real than fake by a long shot. Kit.

[RaineD]

My therapist has never been fake like that. I don't think I would put up with a therapist who is that fake.

One thing I really really loved about my therapist is how real he was. He was always a real person. He would get mad at me, yell at me, etc. But he was also sweet and compassionate and loving. He was a real person.

When I met his friends and family at his funeral, I knew he was the same person with me as he was with them.

Our relationship had boundaries, but within those boundaries it was very real.

But I know what you mean by therapists being fake. A lot of therapists are fake. It's very annoying. I would not put up with a fake therapist.

[feralkittymom]

This just isn't an experience I've had in therapy. I do think much of the concern about it stems from transference. OP, what you're describing just sounds like a really incompetent therapist who's not engaged. But generally, the doubts about the authenticity of the relationship I think clients bring to the therapy from experiences in the past. It would be interesting to think about why the default isn't to expect authenticity. Maybe people who would bring such an expectation are less likely to be therapy clients.

My therapist is not fake. She says whats on her mind even if it isnt something I want to hear. She is brutally honest. No fakeness in my therapy.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

Those that claim that the T's acts are genuine - I wonder how do you really know? Faking means pretending something is real.

I think it is a matter that, honestly, if I've experienced them being extremely frank with me about truly significant and difficult matters, willing to confront me if necessary, I doubt that they are going to bother to lie about little things like whether they like a movie I like. Can I know for sure? No. But do I spend any time at all worrying about whether everything that comes out of their mouth is completely real? No. The bottom line is that in matters that truly matter in my therapy, my therapists have been forthright with me and have done so with a consistency that makes is a pretty safe bet that they are being as real as any real person would be.

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

But generally, the doubts about the authenticity of the relationship I think clients bring to the therapy from experiences in the past. It would be interesting to think about why the default isn't to expect authenticity. Maybe people who would bring such an expectation are less likely to be therapy clients.

I disagree with the bolded part. If it was related to my past as a general pattern, I would likely experience it more often in my life with people, and this is definitely not the case. I've had many very authentic relationships. It's hard for me to expect much authenticity in therapy because the whole things is so limited and has such an unnatural structure. Plus, how can someone be truly authentic if they are not supposed to bring their feelings and strong opinions into the relationship, when they use learned techniques to interact?

My last T was actually very open about this and discussed with me multiple times how the way Ts advertise themselves and the image they transmit is a marketing strategy, and they adjust their behavior based on what the client wants them to be. He told me simple examples for it also, like how he would say that he has a certain political orientation when the client is very adamant about it. They can explore the expectation if there is a need for it but he said there is always a lot of conscious adjustment and design. My first T was much more spontaneous, expressed a lot of his momentary feelings, and it definitely did not help my therapy.

[feralkittymom]

I was speaking to the general experience of these sorts of threads posted in which clients repeatedly experience doubts about the relationships in therapy. That wasn't your experience but it seems that you brought different expectations to therapy.

There are certainly Ts that work in a transactional manner; but those are Ts that aren't working within a relationship philosophy. I don't see Ts that work that way. If I did, it wouldn't matter if they were authentic because authenticity isn't a component of such work. But most of these sorts of "is the relationship fake" threads seem to be from posters looking for a relationship.

[stopdog]

I think the two I hired thought they were coming at it from a relational philosophy -but I was not.

[feralkittymom]

Exactly--you weren't looking for a relationship. You weren't looking for, or expecting, authenticity.

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I was speaking to the general experience of these sorts of threads posted in which clients repeatedly experience doubts about the relationships in therapy. That wasn't your experience but it seems that you brought different expectations to therapy.

There are certainly Ts that work in a transactional manner; but those are Ts that aren't working within a relationship philosophy. I don't see Ts that work that way. If I did, it wouldn't matter if they were authentic because authenticity isn't a component of such work. But most of these sorts of "is the relationship fake" threads seem to be from posters looking for a relationship.

I did not bring it from start, I was very open to anything when I first started therapy and very curious. I did not even have strong and well-defined expectations, more just curiosity. Not even strong specific goals oAbout the whole relationship aspect (that I had read about tons before) as well. It was more that my views and expectations had changed on the based, based on my experiences and also hearing many others' experiences here on the forum and elsewhere.

My second T (who said those things about marketing strategy etc) was very relational actually. He mentioned even during our first phone talk before starting that he believes that therapy is a relationship and works with clients that way. But then he told me about the marketing as well, and strategies. I imagine he did because he got a sense of who I am and how I tend to think, he asked me to send him an introductory email before the first session and I wrote a quite comprehensive and honest one. By that time I narrowed down my expectations (based on the first T) and I was quite goal-oriented and practical. I think we definitely had a relationship and I liked it as long as it lasted, it just did not help my particular issues. But I agree that my experiences and the expectations created by my therapy experiences tend to be different than most, on this forum at least. Now, if I ever wanted to try therapy again, I would specifically look for an even more goal-oriented, business-like exchange, more something like consulting. But you are right that these kinds of threads are not usually from that perspective.