Couch 155: The International Operator

(((Daisy))) I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. You are a wise and valuable person and I wish for you so much healing. I wish I had the right words to say that could help.

I'm the same way - have so much crap in my house. Every so often after I've had a particularly strong period of mental house-clearing in therapy, I'll do a purge on one section of my physical house, most recently was of paper clutter and my office space. But somehow it never ends... mostly because of the paper clutter that just never seems to stop...

Maybe the next thing I should focus on is the under-bed boxes. I don't even know what's in them anymore. They just move from one house to the next and slide back under the bed...

No, as I shared, I am not up for switching. It takes too much of a toll to find someone who can deal with my other issues. So it's either this one or I quit altogether.

To be clear--she is accepting of who I am; it's just that she doesn't understand how it is to be in this world if you are not one of the sexuals. So in her attempt to "normalize" who I am, it feels invalidating.

I've never lived in one place that long. That's impressive to me! H and I have been married for just about 20 years but we've moved 6 times... if I ever had a basement, that would definitely be a downfall for me, I am positive I would use it as a dumping ground to keep the main floor of the house clutter-free. Everywhere I've lived with h we've never had a basement. Or an attic either actually - well, not one you could actually put stuff in. Well, we do have a small bit of attic storage above our garage in current house, but it's a pain in the keister to get into so we don't use it.

rr -- yeah, I'd be reluctant to give up your therapist too.

It wasn't super clear from your post but is she at all suggesting -- subtly or otherwise -- that you need to get going on dropping the 'a' from asexual (within or outside a relationship)?

Coz I'd be seriously pissed if that were the case.

I totally get being cheesed off with the whole ridiculous ultra-normalizing thing that therapists do -- I have (and I'm not proud of this) pushed current T to tell me how exactly she doesn't fit the norm in any way whatsoever when she's tried this crap on me.

However, I do think that to some extent, therapists are kind of in a bind about this sort of stuff?

Like if she doesn't try to normalize and says "Yep, that's freak-ish and you need to get with the program and find a nice woman and produce 2.32 children and buy a Lesbaru and a house with a picket fence", it ain't gonna work either, right?

I mean, of course, I'm exaggerating but any attempt at saying that something needs to be changed about you is likely to eventually head in that direction?

So, the only thing I could think of which it might be helpful if she were to do would be to explore how and what exactly the feelings of not-fitting-in involve? It starts off with just labels, yes, but it's kinda boring to stick around right there at the surface? And, saying it's abuse is a bit lazy? There are lots of folks who've been abused who aren't asexual? And, vice versa?

So, in your place, I'd want to push the conversation to a much deeper level. And, I'm guessing your therapist would be a lot more at home in that realm than if you were to just talk about the sexuality spectrum?

Btw, can I just say that I totally agree with you that we live in a primarily sexual world and everything revolves around the concept of pair-bonding and it gets my goat like little else?

But, I'll also say that more people than would like to admit are desperately lonely and have little by way of joy even within those much-vaunted, hyper-sexualized pair bonds (I've kinda seen too much of the ugly innards of many of the super-popular much-in-love very-adorable couples [straight and gay] to be anything but rather cynical about it all).

Not sure if this helps and I honestly don't mean to pontificate at you -- so, if that's how it came across, feel free to chuck it!

Thanks! Honestly, it feels like you had another birthday...lol. Maybe that's because I've been with H for 12 years already. Plus, we weren't able to change our names. My H wanted to change his last name to his mother's maiden name, and then I would change my last name to that. But the courthouse wouldn't allow us to do it. So we're going to have to go down to the main courthouse and change our names. So for now, I kept my madien name.

Thanks so much, AY. This is helpful in a lot of ways.

I don't think my therapist is necessarily suggesting dropping the "a" so much as suggesting it's not as singular as I think it is, that many people struggle and/or slide around the sexuality spectrum. Your comment toward the end--about there being a lot of people being made miserable by the hyper-sexualized pair-bond is just what I need to hear. It gives me some insight into where my therapist might be coming from, only it's so far just felt invalidating because of this disconnect. So thank you big time for that tremendous insight.

I agree that assigning this to abuse is missing a lot, but I think it's not so much lazy as her way of trying to help me tease out what is abuse related and what is me. And the fact that it was perpetrated by females, and came with an intense homo bashing/blaming that a child's mind can't process, it's just a mess to sort through. I can see her point, but also want an acknowledgement of the social distress. Like you said, the whole normalizing schtick is maddening.

Thank you so much for getting it. That's really what I needed.

eta: Lesbaru--hahaha. Thanks for that. :-)

I should be finishing off my tenure file this weekend. But eh...

It’s ridiculous. I only have two things left to do.

A quote from H: Emotions!? Never heard of them.

That’s where we’re both at today. H is making his homemade burritos and we’ve started drinking. So sorry in advance if/when I start drunk spamming the couch.

Would now be a good time to lecture the Couch on the etymology of the word “emotion,” as both Info and No. 3 have done to me?

I’ve heard of emotions, I just don’t like the looks of them.

And everyone drunk spams the Couch at some point. It’s a rite of passage. Liminal, stuff like that.

No.

(8 characters)

((RR))

What response were you hoping for? What would validate you?

Emotion is basically a bowel motion, only you do it electronically. E-motion.

Ah, I get it.

For what it's worth, I think your instinct is right -- there are few, if any, therapists who can help really sort out stuff like this. It's way too intertwined and complex.

I don't mean to add to your feelings of loneliness but I would consider seriously looking outside of therapy as well to deal with this stuff -- maybe therapy can help find those places (I know, I know, the thought of that makes the prospect of head-->brick-wall rather enticing)?

It's just that I fear you'll always find that your therapist comes up short in this area otherwise.

I've seen some gay male friends deal with similar stuff after having been abused by men growing up -- and yeah, it's not been remotely easy or straightforward.

Is that what they mean by twitterstorm?

Soon: lobster

I hope they let me name mine. And race it across the floor (haven't encountered a live lobster since I was ~7)

Eta- I named the fish Oscar.

Donald Trump makes so much more sense now.

Yeah, men are too e-motional to be president

I've certainly done that a time or two...

I propose a Constitutional amendment: only therapists should be President. Because, as we all know, they’re only human when they’re looking to get off the hook for a mistake they made. The rest of the time they’re perfect.

Golf clap to you. I actually laughed out loud. This is in contrast to all of the times in my life I’ve typed LOL but didn’t even crack a smile.

It may have been the vodka. Unsure.

Is it White Eagle Vodka? Cause that was a total eagle. 2 under par!

No it’s called Svedka. It’s mango pineapple flavored and I was feeling a little tropical at the liquor store the other night.

Dink some for me pleeeease?

Can do. Will send good thoughts your way