Couch 155: The International Operator

I really love M's waiting room. I go early just to spend time there

my t doesn't have a waiting room - i either sit in my car, or wander aimlessly around the parking area in front of her house. well, there is a freestanding porch swing kinda thing in her yard now that she said i could sit on but i'm afraid i'd break it cuz i'm so huge.

the first year when she had an office in a professional building, it had a really nice waiting room that was so calming.

"Where in your body do you feel the tears?"

Jesus.

I should have said, "in my right pinky toenail."

Yeah that one seems pretty obvious. Maybe my eyes where tears come from.

Hugs to all who want or need.

I’m having a rough go of it tonight, but I’ll be okay. H and I are probably going to buy a car tomorrow. I’m trying to convince him to get the Smart Car.

that would bring a snarky response to my lips.

i've gotten the question before about feeeeelings, but not about tears.

My t's waiting room is kind of creepy to me because

I'm sorry that L seems checked out... As for meds, it could be worth trying really low dosages. I'm very sensitive to meds and have to use really low amounts, like less than the lowest therapeutic dose in some cases. (Like 1 mg of Abilify, breaking the tiniest pill in half.) I'm lucky that I found a psychiatrist last year who believes that some people only need really tiny doses. So it could be worth trying tiny doses? And finding a psychiatrist who is open to that?

SD: My T waits for me, muhahaha!

lol, oh dear.
i've seen pictures of you, you are not huge!

I'm sorry she's checked out and said that to you. I have spent the day being professionally pissed, so I will add L to my list of recipients.

I totally get the medication aversion, especially if you have severe dissociation of the kind where there are physical/biological changes with switches.

what the actual eff

yeah, really.

I called a suicide hotline tonight and I'm pretty sure the lady disappeared while I was talking. She came back but said she was alone that night and was answering other calls. What the hell? Why bother calling if they disappear mid-conversation? I can't believe that my therapist's vacation has thrown me into such an emotional tail spin. There's too much going on right now. I can't handle all this.

I'm sorry... Are you safe right now? Can you call someone else? Or you can talk with us...

It's 6 in the morning, Couch...I shouldn't be awake this early on a Saturday. When I close my eyes, my brain goes into freefall...that's fun.

I feel so alone. And like there's no hope for the future. I'm in a hotel which is not where I want to be. My husband's plea or trial is coming up in the next couple of weeks. I don't know what I want to happen to him. If he goes to trial, I will have to testify which seems terrifying. I may be given the opportunity to make a victim's statement but I have no idea what I'd say. I've not been eating because it helps to drown out the negative thoughts. Before that I was binge eating. I've started self harming. My therapist is now on vacation with no backup/no contact with him because he's out of country and he deserves a break anyway. I have no friends. I only have my group therapy ladies and they're not always available to talk to. I feel like I'm completely losing it. All these memories of his abuse keep resurfacing and I can't handle all of that at once. I'm a mess right now. I need more help than I'm getting.

You do deserve help. Can you call another crisis line? Or maybe it's better to take a nap?
When is your t coming back?

He'll be back on October 23rd. Maybe I'll go to bed soon. Thank you.

I hope you'll feel better. Hugs...

!! Another one T likes is "What are the tears trying to say?" haha

NP,

I'm guessing the memories are resurfacing because you no longer live with him etc.

Like Capt said, you do deserve help

NP, a thought I had. Does your state have a victim services division? If yes, have you been in touch with them? I’ve heard that my state is lucky in that our victim services is pretty good. They help advocate for you and provide support. You have been through a terrible ordeal, and you deserve help from every possible resource.

I feel like I need help. I don't know.
I need some safe place to cry.

Capt I’m probably going to be up a while so I’m here if you want to talk.

QM said something in Dear T that I think was apt. You care deeply for others. You deserve the same care. Why do you think you don’t?

I can relate because I’m the same way.

Thank you, Daisy.
I think I'm helpless... I give up. But maybe I can help others?

I also think I'm disgusting and no one would care about me. Okay, maybe not disgusting... But weird and boring.

You’re wrong. It may not feel like it, but the words on the screen are from real people around the world that care for you deeply.