Only we can really fill that hole.

I was lying in bed last night thinking about all the times I've wanted to secretly watch myself being cared for....wondering where this is coming from...wondering if I would ever get that comfort that I truely search for?....then thought about T and boundaires and edges and man being cursed with his own freedom the moment of birth and then it just kinda of hit me..I felt this feeling as if I was falling through a hole into the abyss and knew this was how I had felt as a baby and child being swopped around from one mother to another mother without this mourning and pain ever being seen...the tears just came and in the dark I could have sworn I was watching a home movie of me as a child ...running playing trying to find joy from the pain that I wasn't able to understand...I grabbed the pillow next to me and the tears and pain just came and I felt so sorry that I had never seen the courage of this child before...all she had done to get through...I knew that no one could ever give me this same amount of comfort because they are not me...not inside of me...only we can feel our own comfort and forgiveness....others can lead the way and show us we're worth it....but the feeling of being in touch with that pain was an experience well worth waiting for....the child,me, was happy and skipping around the room and I couldnt get over all these yrs she's been just an image standing just to the left of me looking at me longing...and I would feel so angry toward her...what was she doing?...now I knwo she's been patiently waiting for me to recognise her...make her real...its all good.

What an amazing thing you have been through! My heart sings for you and your inner child.....finally connecting when the time was right.....It must be the most wonderful warm and tender feeling.


sabby

((Mouse))

Thanks for sharing this experience. The longing, the comfort, the pain and the joy are all within, aren't they. I am not as far along but I have begun to realize that as I seek external comfort it is filling an internal void.

Ah, you found "Her" finally! Mine stays a bit of a problem at times (can't ever quite comfort her or make it up to her) but I don't "need" her as much in that guise and, otherwise, she's a nice little companion, a bit reassuring because she has been through "that" and made it. If we can get through that then we can get through anything? Mine responds well to "It's okay!" repeated. That's all I ever wanted to know back then apparently. Think of the soothing words that would have helped you. You have the "voice" inside you too that she'll respond to. I have a photograph of my mother holding me when I was about 6 months old and I love the look of her hand/arm under me, holding me, and the strength and security I see/feel looking at that picture. I imagine that too.

hey.

i kind of think of it like this... when we are little we don't have the resources (cognitive capacity and the like) to regulate distress. so other people do that for us by changing our diapers and feeding us and rocking us and cooing to us and stuff like that. and then we get to internalise that... and we can do some of it for ourselves. and over time we can do more and more of it for ourselves. its never perfect, though, 'cause we are social beings and 'no man is an island'.

but i didn't get a lot of my distress soothed. my mother was a pretty big source of distress, too, which didn't help really. i remember a lot of times from ages 7 on, really, where i'd feel really very distressed in the evenings in particular. and i had no idea at all what was wrong or what i needed or what would help. there were probably those kinds of experiences before then, too, but i don't really remember them.

i still feel the distress a lot. and sometimes (especially at night) i kind of feel like i am that kid who was upset. or that i'm watching her or something. my dbt therapist used to say to me 'be kind to yourself' and she used to smile to me kindly. i guess sometimes i'd imagine her saying it to the kid - or i'd imagine saying it to the kid myself. holding her or cooing to her or something. and it kind of helps. i never really learned how to be kind to myself until i had some experience with therapists being kind to me.

i was telling my current therapist at some point... that the pain was hard... but that i didn't think i'd ever forget it. that in a way i didn't want to because it would be like betraying a part of myself. i said that i remember i used to think to myself (when i was about 11 or something) 'i will never forget this, i will never forget' when i was particularly upset with my mother. i remember thinking 'this isn't just something that i'll forget in a couple months this will be something that i'll never forget because this is NOT OKAY'. i used to swear that i'd never forgive my mother too... now... i don't spend a great deal of time with her, don't get me wrong, but i can honestly say 'she did the best she could'. so i guess i have forgiven her, but i feel like it would be betraying little me if i ever forgot the pain. maybe my thoughts will change on that over time...

my therapist said that 'maybe they won't'. he said that Breire (or however you spell that) thought that it wasn't about forgetting, it was about remembering. i guess the idea is that i'll always remember, but the pain won't feel so bad over time. i guess i can always remember that the pain was bad then but i won't feel like i need to relive it over and over and over to be true to little me.

i'm not very good at soothing or comforting her / me. haven't had that modelled very much... but kind words from people we care about (therapists in particular - though others too, i guess) can be internalised... most people got that as kids but i guess... its never too late. never too late to learn how to be kind to ourselves.

i... need to find the spontaneity and fun. i feel broken mostly, like there isn't any fun or happiness left... shame...

but it will be there... underneath the pain, i guess. once its soothed a bit more maybe i'll find it.