[rainbow8]

I've been seeing my T for more than 7 years. After my session this week, I felt confused. I am very comfortable with her and in some ways I feel closer to her than anyone in my life. I know it's not reciprocal, though. I know I pay her to see me. I feel like she's a stranger and that makes me sad. I skipped 2 sessions because I was away, and she asked me how long it's been, after acknowledging it's been a long time. She should have known it's 2 weeks, especially since one of them was her birthday and I sent her an email that day.

I was feeling depressed and that may have contributed to my feelings. I got angry with her and raised my voice when she tried to give me advice about my family.

She tried to see my painting in a group exhibit but went the day after it closed. It's in another exhibit and she said that she would go for sure to this one. She always said that she'd go to see my artwork if it was in a show. But my painting wasn't selected. I paid money to join a group so it's automatically exhibited with the other paintings. Therefore I don't feel it's such a big deal at all. What bothers is me that she wants to see it anyway. In my email yesterday, I said I didn't know if seeing my painting was part of her job description, and said our relationship seems blurry. She ignored that part of my email, but I expected her to.

Who is T anyway? I know she wants to go the extra mile but she hardly says anything about herself lately. I don't know why I want to share so much with her. I still make her too important. She's the one who says we have a relationship, and signs "Love, T" on every email.

In the session I asked her to say something and she did. I can't explain, but it was kind of like our roles were reversed for that moment. I asked, in my email, if that was okay but she ignored that too. I will have to bring it up in my next session.

I feel like shaking her and asking "who are you?" I do know a lot about her and her family, but mostly from when I looked them up online and in Facebook. I haven't done that for months, or maybe even a year now. How can I feel like I've known her my whole life, yet still feel like we're strangers? Why should she see my painting, anyway? Is it because I pay her $100 each week? I know she will say it's because she cares, and my art has been a big part of our work and my growth. I want her to see it (she's seen photos of it many times while I was working on it) hanging up, but that makes me ashamed of still needing her.

I told her no one else cares as much as she does. Duh! I'm paying her to care. But it's true. I was going through a hard time, and still am, and my friends are all busy with their lives. Everyone seems to be going through stuff now. So I turn to T. Of course she wants me to comfort myself.

I'm past thinking that "T is the one" like I used to. I'm past being angry with her for her "shattering my dreams." That's not her role. What I can't get past is going to see her, feeling like I'm putting on a comfortable old shoe, but at the same time wondering what the relationship is all about. It makes me so sad. I guess this is another attachment therapy frustration. T means everything to me but the bottom line is I mean only 'something' to her. I find this situation sad and there's no solution. T keeps telling me I can cope with my life, I don't have to be negative, and I can comfort myself. Sometimes I hate her for her Pollyanna-ish attitude.

So, this was my turn to vent here. I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach about my life. I should have told T that. She would have gotten into SM mode. I can't take antidepressants. I wish I could.

[SalingerEsme]

I appreciate your vent, and I am feeling something similar after my session today. My T sends a bill reciept that shows how many patients he saw each week bc the invoices are numbered. This little thing makes me feel so insignificant. He asks me to step up and confide horrible things from the past to which I have never once spoken to anyone; at the same time, he is just doing this job he has, and one he said he is good at setting boundaries in that he goes home, plays with his kids, and forgets all about psychology until the next day. It creates heartache to have this person you take risks as in a normal relationship, but also receive social cues of a very limited relationship. One person is exposed for all the world to see, and the other omits anything they want about themselves and certainly disdain the reciprocity that defines as "close" close relationships. This is one of the first days in a year I am contemplating quitting with all my might. I adore and respect my T; he is professional, warm, incredibly well trained in what I need- but there's something humiliating in going through the motions of talking as if to your dearest confidant in the world, when that person is going to forget you immediately after the door shuts.

[unaluna]

Youre not talking for them; youre talking for you.

Rain, when she asked how long has it been - im surprised you took that literally. I usually answer a question like that with, "its been FOREVER!", or "it went by too fast." Feeeeeelings, not facts.

Did you want to say, "did you miss me?" Did you want her to say she missed you without your asking? What feelings got skipped over and replaced by anger? The feeling of being or not being missed might not even be about her, but about your family, either your parents or children, a particular incident or a repetitive one.

This t relationship is so hard sometimes. I feel so much of what you said, rainbow. I remember one time awhile back maybe a year or so ago, I looked right at my t and said "What ARE you to me, that I can't just walk out that door and not feel like I NEED you?!" She responded "Maybe the question is actually, what are we to each other?" She is so fearless in her questions. There is no way in hades I could have EVER phrased the question that way, but that's of course what I meant.

We still have not really fully discussed that, come to think of it...

[SilentMelodee]

Thanks for posting this....I am having the exact same issue with my therapy. We talk about it, but nothing's ever gonna change...

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

I appreciate your vent, and I am feeling something similar after my session today. My T sends a bill reciept that shows how many patients he saw each week bc the invoices are numbered. This little thing makes me feel so insignificant. He asks me to step up and confide horrible things from the past to which I have never once spoken to anyone; at the same time, he is just doing this job he has, and one he said he is good at setting boundaries in that he goes home, plays with his kids, and forgets all about psychology until the next day. It creates heartache to have this person you take risks as in a normal relationship, but also receive social cues of a very limited relationship. One person is exposed for all the world to see, and the other omits anything they want about themselves and certainly disdain the reciprocity that defines as "close" close relationships. This is one of the first days in a year I am contemplating quitting with all my might. I adore and respect my T; he is professional, warm, incredibly well trained in what I need- but there's something humiliating in going through the motions of talking as if to your dearest confidant in the world, when that person is going to forget you immediately after the door shuts.

Yes! Thanks for responding and validating my feelings about therapy. I would hate to get an invoice like that! Sometimes I've asked to see my T on a different day, and she's emailed back " I'm totally booked on that day." It makes me feel I'm just one of many. She usually sees people back to back; she doesn't even have 5 minutes between sessions.

Originally Posted by unaluna

Youre not talking for them; youre talking for you.

Rain, when she asked how long has it been - im surprised you took that literally. I usually answer a question like that with, "its been FOREVER!", or "it went by too fast." Feeeeeelings, not facts.

Did you want to say, "did you miss me?" Did you want her to say she missed you without your asking? What feelings got skipped over and replaced by anger? The feeling of being or not being missed might not even be about her, but about your family, either your parents or children, a particular incident or a repetitive one.

Thanks, una. What do you mean by your first sentence, talking for you, not them? I didn't understand that.

Actually, the 3 weeks went pretty fast and I did take her literally. But, yes it would have been nice for her to say she missed me. I didn't say I missed her either. I used to miss her more. I was depressed and tired so everything triggered me last session.

Originally Posted by ArtieSwimsOn

This t relationship is so hard sometimes. I feel so much of what you said, rainbow. I remember one time awhile back maybe a year or so ago, I looked right at my t and said "What ARE you to me, that I can't just walk out that door and not feel like I NEED you?!" She responded "Maybe the question is actually, what are we to each other?" She is so fearless in her questions. There is no way in hades I could have EVER phrased the question that way, but that's of course what I meant.

We still have not really fully discussed that, come to think of it...

What are we to each other? That's what I want to know too. T has said she has a special place in her heart for me, and even that she loves me, but I'm still one of many. I think I know her pretty well, but I'm not sure. It hurts. A few months ago when she was encouraging me to meditate every day, she told me it changed her life. I didn't say anything then, but now I'm thinking: she's always calm, present, and collected in my sessions. Is she totally the opposite at other times? What does she mean "it changed her life?" Maybe T is not who I think she is? That thought is disconcerting to me! I want to know who she is.

Originally Posted by SilentMelodee

Thanks for posting this....I am having the exact same issue with my therapy. We talk about it, but nothing's ever gonna change...

Thank you. The therapeutic relationship is unique, and often difficult. But "it is what it is." I hesitate to bring it up with T again, but I need to. We seem like close friends, but we're not. She always says we have a relationship, and it's been 7 years, etc. I get small peeks into her life but she says she discloses more than most Ts. I don't know if that's true or not.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

It's interesting to read your stories about the therapeutic relationship. I was bothered by similar questions when I was younger. How much does the therapist care for me?

I never had a male T for that reason. I would have definitely tried to make them fall in love with me, and the whole thing would have been pointless.

When I was mid-twenties, I cleaned house once a week for two different psychotherapists. It was sobering! They worked from home and I got to see behind the scenes, how they handled their daily lives.

At first, I was shocked. They didn't seem to care at all! They'd come straight out of a session and immediately play with their children or make jokes or chat on the phone with their friends.

So, it did change the way I'd always see them, from then on.

As I got older, I could assess things slightly differently. It isn't that the T's 'didn't care'. They did, but in an appropriate way. They were professional at all times. It was more like the way you can come to care about your work colleagues. It's real. But it is different to real life friendships.

They encourage caring feelings in you. But they're also trying to teach you how to handle those feelings in an appropriate way. That's my opinion, at least. They want you to act as they do, by opening up in the session, and switching it off when you leave. It's all genuine feeling. But with limits.

I think that the T relationship is a professional contract where the client pays the T to be interested and talk about the client's problems, which includes showing compassion and support if the client needs that. Nothing else really. Of course over time, lots of feelings can emerge both ways, but I think that expecting Ts as a savior or "the one" is unrealistic and will ultimately always lead to disappointment.

From your posts, it does appear that your T is reasonably competent, but maybe promising to do something outside of the scope of therapy (going to see your art in an exhibit) was a bit too much from her to offer. And perhaps so it is from you to expect to get to know her very deeply - it's not her duty and responsibility simply. I am sure that she cares about working with you in many ways and so many of your reports here demonstrate it. But expecting to know her beyond that, understanding her motives etc is not what therapy and the relationship with a T is supposed to be really. I think it is fine if a client tries to "analyze" the therapist in their own way, but we cannot expect them to provide for that. I think we also cannot expect them to serve as parent substitutes, friends, mentors etc - the structure of therapy is far too inconsistent with that sort of wish and I personally dislike when a T claims that as there is no way it can be fulfilled. I think that T and client are T and client, not something else. Like student and teacher are student and teacher, or landlord and tenant are landlord and tenant. There can be many emotions and affections developing, but the context remains the same, otherwise the therapy stops being therapy.

[unaluna]

I wish everybody could be a manicurist! Or maybe it was just me, but when i was doing it, i absolutely LOVED the people i was handling. I was ENTHRALLED with the shape and hardness of their nails, the condition of the surrounding skin, how their hands or feet looked when we were done. But i didnt want to go home with them. We just shared that moment. T is kinda the same for me. A caring, reparative, beautifying moment.

[LostOnTheTrail]

Probably the way my brain works at the moment, but for some reason I totally misread that.

Possible trigger:

I wish everybody could be a narcissist

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail

Probably the way my brain works at the moment, but for some reason I totally misread that.

Possible trigger:

I wish everybody could be a narcissist

Thats gonna make me think!

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

It's interesting to read your stories about the therapeutic relationship. I was bothered by similar questions when I was younger. How much does the therapist care for me?

I never had a male T for that reason. I would have definitely tried to make them fall in love with me, and the whole thing would have been pointless.

When I was mid-twenties, I cleaned house once a week for two different psychotherapists. It was sobering! They worked from home and I got to see behind the scenes, how they handled their daily lives.

At first, I was shocked. They didn't seem to care at all! They'd come straight out of a session and immediately play with their children or make jokes or chat on the phone with their friends.

So, it did change the way I'd always see them, from then on.

As I got older, I could assess things slightly differently. It isn't that the T's 'didn't care'. They did, but in an appropriate way. They were professional at all times. It was more like the way you can come to care about your work colleagues. It's real. But it is different to real life friendships.

They encourage caring feelings in you. But they're also trying to teach you how to handle those feelings in an appropriate way. That's my opinion, at least. They want you to act as they do, by opening up in the session, and switching it off when you leave. It's all genuine feeling. But with limits.

Thank you. I appreciate your comments. I just wish it didn't have to be that way. I wish my T would not go home and forget about me. I have never been able to come to terms with the "I'm just her job" statement. When I've asked her she's said I'm not just her job and how much she cares about me. Yes, exactly what you said. With limits! But why can't I know more about her? She WILL answer most questions except about her partner. I haven't asked any lately and I want to. I don't know. I'm feeling sad about the T relationship right now.

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

I think that the T relationship is a professional contract where the client pays the T to be interested and talk about the client's problems, which includes showing compassion and support if the client needs that. Nothing else really. Of course over time, lots of feelings can emerge both ways, but I think that expecting Ts as a savior or "the one" is unrealistic and will ultimately always lead to disappointment.

From your posts, it does appear that your T is reasonably competent, but maybe promising to do something outside of the scope of therapy (going to see your art in an exhibit) was a bit too much from her to offer. And perhaps so it is from you to expect to get to know her very deeply - it's not her duty and responsibility simply. I am sure that she cares about working with you in many ways and so many of your reports here demonstrate it. But expecting to know her beyond that, understanding her motives etc is not what therapy and the relationship with a T is supposed to be really. I think it is fine if a client tries to "analyze" the therapist in their own way, but we cannot expect them to provide for that. I think we also cannot expect them to serve as parent substitutes, friends, mentors etc - the structure of therapy is far too inconsistent with that sort of wish and I personally dislike when a T claims that as there is no way it can be fulfilled. I think that T and client are T and client, not something else. Like student and teacher are student and teacher, or landlord and tenant are landlord and tenant. There can be many emotions and affections developing, but the context remains the same, otherwise the therapy stops being therapy.

Thank you. Your reply was hard for me to read because I know it's true and I don't want reality right now. One thing I will say is that my T has always told me she's different, kind of out-of-the-box. We used to go for walks outside the office, for example. So, for her, saying she will see my art exhibit, isn't so unusual. She doesn't follow any "rules" yet her boundaries are good. I don't think she wants me to know her deeply either, but she'll probably answer some of my questions. We've talked a lot about who she can't be to me. She can't be my friend yet she is so much more than my friend. It's like dangling the carrot in front of me but I can't reach it. I think I need my session this week to be about this stuff. Maybe because she can't seem to help me with any of my other issues right now. This too will pass.

[Sarmas]

I have a similar feeling. I think some T’s care more than others. We are there to seek help and/or fulfill a need. I think when we share so much and they show empathy we can easily interpret that in so many ways. Ultimately, they are there because that’s their job. There are so many times that I think how crazy am I to spend as much money as I do in a week to talk to someone that I mean absolutely nothing to. I sometimes feel like a fool because I feel like I’m renting a “friend”.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Sarmas

I have a similar feeling. I think some T’s care more than others. We are there to seek help and/or fulfill a need. I think when we share so much and they show empathy we can easily interpret that in so many ways. Ultimately, they are there because that’s their job. There are so many times that I think how crazy am I to spend as much money as I do in a week to talk to someone that I mean absolutely nothing to. I sometimes feel like a fool because I feel like I’m renting a “friend”.

Yeah, I feel like I'm renting a friend sometimes too! It's pathetic! I pay $100 a week for that. But my T is there for me in ways friends are not, and I know she cares. I do mean something to her! She wouldn't lie about it. But she cares because I'm her job. She once said we wouldn't know each other if she weren't my T. That's obvious, I know. I always remember what my first T said about our relationship. It's different from friendship or any other relationship, but different does not make it LESS! Still, the whole situation sucks, I agree!!

[Sarmas]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Yeah, I feel like I'm renting a friend sometimes too! It's pathetic! I pay $100 a week for that. But my T is there for me in ways friends are not, and I know she cares. I do mean something to her! She wouldn't lie about it. But she cares because I'm her job. She once said we wouldn't know each other if she weren't my T. That's obvious, I know. I always remember what my first T said about our relationship. It's different from friendship or any other relationship, but different does not make it LESS! Still, the whole situation sucks, I agree!!

I agree. I pay $90 a week and sometimes I think that I can make better use of that money. It’s a great thing that your T cares the way she does. I’m not open with my friends. There are certain things I could speak to my friends about and not my T. My friends are more down to earth. Then there are things I could speak to my T about but not my friends. Some sessions seem pointless and like we haven’t covered anything essential. Other sessions are more substantial. She looks at her phone at times during sessions which still annoys me. So her boundaries are strange. It’s like we are laid back that she feels like she can look at her phone and scroll through it but she sets other boundaries that make it really client/therapist like. Then the $90 in cash come into play. It’s not like I’m paying through insurance and I’m not Sure if this is meeting my expectations. I guess boundaries are set by her and she rolls depending on how comfortable or how able she feels. It somewhat sucks as a client. This relationship becomes way to complicated.

[growlycat]

I hope you are feeling better rainbow! I know what you mean about wanting to know them better and to actually mean something to them too. I think we do matter even though we can't be friends with t. Are you socializing outside of therapy? I ask only because I've been trying to branch out to make therapy less all encompassing of my week I'm taking classes at a local artistsan/ makers collective soon and hoping to meet new people. Is there a painters meet up group near you?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I hope you are feeling better rainbow! I know what you mean about wanting to know them better and to actually mean something to them too. I think we do matter even though we can't be friends with t. Are you socializing outside of therapy? I ask only because I've been trying to branch out to make therapy less all encompassing of my week I'm taking classes at a local artistsan/ makers collective soon and hoping to meet new people. Is there a painters meet up group near you?

Thanks, growly. I feel a little better. These past 2 days I drove 2 different friends to appointments because they can't drive now. It was nice because one of them took me out to eat tonight. The other is very compassionate so I spilled out all my problems to her! I also feel good because I posted a painting on Facebook and got very nice compliments. I joined 2 Artists Guilds, which is why I got to exhibit my paintings. They aren't very active, though. I've never gone to any kind of Meetup group for anything. I'll look into it. I do socialize enough though not with any men. I'm busy enough managing my house and other responsibilities right now.