Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

Thank you

Dear T,
OK, you're mostly flying solo now. Please be there for me and support me. You've earned my trust...please continue doing so. Don't slack off now! And don't announce tomorrow that you're leaving in a week for a 3-month vacation...
LT

Not sure what you're thinking about the session, but I think we did okay. Both of us. I love you, T. Hope you email me back.

I'm really upset with you for activating this "what I want doesn't matter" **** from years ago. It doesn't matter that it was years ago my mother made me feel like that constantly. It's like I've gone back in time inside my head and it's happening now. And it took me a week and a ****ing half to realize it!!! You trying to schedule after I'd said I wasn't coming back, and not wanting to give me the closure that I want, and never doing the sand tray you said we could do and kept pushing it off without giving me a reason - all 3 of those things brought it to the surface again. And now I don't know what to do with it. And damn it, I don't want to come there and talk about it. **** this ****. Because what I want does matter. To me.

oh and I don't want to do the stupid sand tray with you anymore. **** that ****.

AND, AND, I don't CARE that I'm acting like a 3 year old.

Next Thursday, right?

I hope you can hold all this...I'm having trouble.

We needed to be seen today. More than anything.
But you chose to look away.

One of your clients triggers my jealousy over you in a major way. I've been debating talking to you about it. I've spoke with you before about this rivalry I feel with some of your clients. The need and desire to be special, the most cared about. I try to remind myself that you can care about more than one person. However this person is always at your practice hanging out and she is pretty aggressive about throwing her medical conditions in my face. Which I do not like. And I was talking to my old roommate who is another one of your clients about it and she felt the same way about the medical issue thing. I know you see thru most people's ********. I just hope you aren't getting played

Wondering what the relationship is between therapy breaks, and significant events with which I need to talk to you. Seems to be a direct correlation so far. Hooray (!)

And chances are we will have another session where I won't really have privacy to talk about the things I need to discuss.

Today, I need...

1. connection
2. for you to be safe again
3. reassurance
4. to understand your policy change and reasoning
5. gentleness

Dear T,
Glad our session is still on today despite them closing schools for like a dusting of snow. See you at 2:30.
LT

I hope you get all these! <3. What was his policy change about?

He decided to no longer charge me for phone calls.

Well I was in a mood last night.

So are you deciding to respond to my emails less? Without discussing it with me? I know your policy is that you won't necessarily respond to emails but you pretty much always have for the last year or so unless I've specifically said don't respond. You have every right to do what you want, but if this is in response to my transference and/or our discussion yesterday that is poor. Are you planning to take hugs away too?

Hi T,

You were good. I wasn't.
Idk what's wrong with me. I just can't.

Dear MC,
I'm still sort of marveling at your statement that the transference has only really been interfering with the therapy the past 5 weeks. I mean, maybe you meant that it's been especially disruptive in that time, and it just came out wrong. But, since the transference started, it's to some extent had an effect on our marriage counseling... Were you somehow not aware of that, despite my talking about it and how we've said before it's the 800-lb gorilla in the room that we have to talk about some sessions...?
LT

Do you read PC or something? I take it all back T. Thank you for the kind email.

Thanks for that. I still don't want to, but, you're probly right. Grr.

I am still feeling calm due to our session yesterday. I am glad that I was able to articulate to you all of my feelings and thoughts, and the confusion about them. It's as if I need another person, an authority figure, to validate how I feel and what I think or else it causes me to enter a state of complete confusion. I know that I am supposed to be able to do this myself, but as I said earlier, I don't have control over this. I am not choosing not to be able to validate or believe my inner experience. It just is. Although this realization has been scary, it actually is validating my inability to solve this on my own, and it is helping me to feel compassion for myself instead of being judgmental of myself. I really needed all of that.

It was a good session.
It was a good, adult, logical session.
You still care.
Your feelings haven't changed.
I know I'm still allowed to need you.
Sigh.
ok I know all this, and I was super present and logical today, but I'm kind of having a crash and just started randomly sobbing for you. A few times now actually.
But the goal is for me to be more secure in our relationship.
And so I don't know what to do.

I'm getting old

Customers keep telling me I look tired

Why do strangers feel the need to comment on my appearance

I know saying someone looks tired is a euphamism for you look bad

It makes me self conscious

Ex-t,
Had another dream about you the other night. Message was to remind me of how incredibly mentally sick and heartless you are. The reality of that sets in even deeper this afternoon. For a therapist to do to a client what you did to me makes me physically sick. T was right -- you are a predator. Be advised that I am continuing to find my voice. Looks like it's gonna get pretty damn loud, too.

Good luck to you.

PS. You died in my dream. While I don't wish death upon anyone, know that I will not shed a single tear for you when your time comes. Further luck to you on your day of reckoning...where ever and whenever that takes place.

Dear T,
I was touched that you said "Take good care of yourself" when I left today. Maybe it didn't have any greater meaning than your usual "Good luck out there," but it felt very warm and caring. Thanks for being there for me.
LT