Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

Dear No. 3,

You say your heart wanted to apologize to me for communicating with me when you knew I had warned you it would do me harm. But your head told you not to, because that would rob me of closure (which I’d already lost, which you knew, because of your communication).

Do you realize what you did there? You cast yourself in a noble, self-sacrificing role (“I wanted to, but I couldn’t, for your sake”). Like we were in some kind of movie. You made it about you, so you could feel better about your mistake, and not me, who was the one suffering.

ATAT

Here goes nothing....

Dear Dr. S,

It was so hard to leave you today. Oddly the tears have not shown up. Though I do think I want to go curl up in bed.



- me

hey t. why am i so broken? why do you think i can get better if i am not even sure (not even remotely close to sure) that i want to? i hate me, t.

Thank you.

Dear MLK,

(The post disappeared previously.) Thank you for the great session today. You shared your story with me and I did not know of your arduous journey. I asked and you chose to be honors with me and I feel honored that you trust me with that part of your history. I’m so glad you said a year ago that you are not a blank-slate therapist. For whatever reasons I was only slightly curious and never felt a dire need to know. I believe are work is done. We have one more session before I hit the road again. When I return we will celebrate with my friends and family, then I believe our work/ time together will be done, even when my parents pass I know I will be okay. I love where you helped get me too.

I know you were planning to explore PC, so I hope you see this. It’s only acknowledging publicly what I have said privately. Thanks again.

AesB

PS: you give some of the best hugs I’ve ever had and I will miss them.

T,
I miss you so much, but I'm glad I'm not going to be seeing you for a long time. You would be so disappointed in me right now. I hope I can have my life together by August when I can see you again.
On an unrelated note, your first day back at work was yesterday. I hope you're doing well and that this semester treats you kindly.
Annie

You said you hoped all was OK with me. I didn't know how to answer, so I didn't. Thursday is going to be a tricky session, for sure.

Dear MC,
I shouldn't be surprised that you showed up in my dream last night. And that I was acting all pathetic and needy while you were sitting there on the phone with another client and trying to wave me off, saying you'd contact me later.

On another note, I've gotten over 8 hours of sleep both nights since telling you we were terminating. Which is unusual for me. Maybe I'm sleeping easier, now that the decision has been made?

--LT

Struggling mightily today....

This is not something I am choosing. The flashbacks are a burden, not a choice. I'm glad you understand that...and frustrated that it seems to be so difficult for others.

I feel unbelievably good. In session, I tried to articulate what I thought was going on with me, and you listened to me as you always do. And you took what I was telling you as being serious and you responded accordingly. I am hopeful about my future. Thank you so much for your help!

Remember this poem? I wrote it over a year ago. I think I was right. And I still trust you to be there.

Hi t. Thanks for your email this morning. I feel so heard now. You're something else, you are.

I've had so many dreams like that about my t. After he changed the boundary. So many

Hi

Good to learn you are in fact, a jerk, like everyone else in my life. Thanks for proving me right about trust

Hi t. I'm trying to not email you. It's working so far but my track record is bad for that. Why do I need you so much... Even if I am doing okay? I hate that part of me

Why didn't you sit on the floor with me or even offer? This was a first.

You do floor sessions too?!

I miss floor sessions. Haven't done one in a while.

I am going through a phase (now that I am healed enough) of completely floor sessions. She might just be getting tired of them.

Previous session I was ambivalent and then changed when I started really going through the work. This session she didn't even offer. I didn't say anything and throughout the session it seemed ok. After the session, it hurt and left me confused.

Dear T,
I didn't expect you to respond to or acknowledge that quick e-mail. Like, I felt silly for sending it and was just going to pretend it didn't happen unless you said anything about it. The fact that you bothered to not only acknowledge the e-mail but say you're sorry you missed us and hope the appointment went well...You're being so nice to me and so accepting...aren't you scared I'll get attached? You know my history...
LT

C,

Home base check?

you know even if you do get attached, it is okay. this T clearly holds firmer boundaries and will be able to handle it better. i also think there are/were a lot of factors that played into your transference with MC specifically that wouldn't necessarily translate with your new T.

NO NO NO, T!! I am not going to try ANOTHER antidepressant!! I don’t CARE if I haven’t tried any new ones in the last twenty years!! All the new ones are just REMAKES of the old ones I’ve already tried!! Do not make my life SUCK any more than it already does!! I can’t take it!

I'm feeling a little silly about all of the exuberance I had for what I found online earlier. Please don't mention it in session next week.

Also, I'm running out of things to talk about and it seems that I just go in and give you updates every week and we are not doing any real work. I just wish that I could use the sessions to find out a little bit more about you but don't want to push my luck. You've been great about answering my questions and I really feel like they are few and far between. So far, you haven't not answered but I know not to push it, so I won't.

We probably should go from every week to every other week..not sure if I"m ready for this yet, but SOON!

And thanks again for ALL of your help and info, I really feel like you go the extra mile ALL of the time!

You are so awesome!!