Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

Dear Dr. S,

Thank you for accepting all 3. You do know that together with shipping the cost was questionable, right?

Still Thank you.

Ok - I think with yesterday's response, the concept of perfect has finally come through my brain with you. That is not good because you are not perfect.

Oh, I forgot to take pictures of the card I gave you. Would it be weird to ask for that now?

I love you.

Me

T,
After I told you about the nonverbal incident, and you said that it was brought to the conscious realm, I really got that. I wish it didn't have to be awkward. You told me the way you felt was that you were feeling compassion for me and you were trying to also have compassion for yourself. This leads me to believe that you felt bad for what happened, and while I don't want to invalidate how you felt, I concurrently want you to know that I didn't want or need to or mean to make you feel bad, if you did. This happens to me all the time irl. And it made me, and all of the times I have dealt with it irl, it makes me feel horrible and I'm left with emotions that I can't talk about or tell anyone. It's not like I can say, hey, your nonverbal language was really painful the other day to people at work and such. I don't know what I want or need from you, but I am trying to explain how I feel and what I am experiencing without blaming you and without blaming me. When you used to smile at me, it felt like you were happy to see me or looking forward to session, which is how I felt about my Stepdad, I felt like he enjoyed being with me. What I do know that this unconscious language that came from you was really real, and by me telling you about it it brought the phenomenon into conscious awareness.

Again, I am not blaming anyone. But I need you to know how I felt because otherwise you can't help me in a way that makes sense to me. It felt like a loss. It felt like I was getting what I needed from you and it felt like now it will never be the same. And I get intellectually that this is not true, but emotionally, even things that happen irl involving nonverbal language can cause a lot of pain. And I need help with this because I get so tired, angry, whatever at having to deal with this, even though I know well that the issue is within me. And I absolutely get angry at myself for being me and having to deal with so much pain. I'm getting closer to having the words to express how I feel and that is my goal. Because doing so brings relief.

I know you were trying to help me, as you always do, but I don't think I was reachable.

Hearing your voice on the VM you left this morning was a lovely surprise. Gave me a bit of a boost for the day. It felt nice knowing you had taken the trouble to put something into place with the new pdoc on my behalf. I really appreciate the support, T. I think I'm starting to allow myself to attach to you a bit, and that feels reassuring. I think attachment facilitates connection, and I need to feel connected to communicate. I know I've not been the most expressive client, and I expect you often feel exasperated by my silence. But it will get better, I promise.

C,

Thank you.
More than you know.

TMC

T,

I was hoping that our session yesterday would help things feel back to normal in regards to our relationship and my therapy in general. But it didn't it just still feels really off to me. and I can't put my finger on why it is that I feel this way. But a big part of me thinks that its best to end it now. I know that we agreed on seeing you once a month, and even though we both think that I am ready to be done with therapy.. it is good to still appointments scheduled with you. And I know that I go back and forth, I want to be done with therapy, but it is scary giving those appointments up.. I just really think that is the way that it needs to be handled. Tuesday I will call the office and cancel all future appointments with you. I may email you after that as a sort of wrap up of everything. After 6 years of therapy, I didn't expect it to end like this, but I think really it is the only way that is going to end.

Overall you have been a good T, and I appreciate the years of appointments, emails, phone calls, and text messages. I found therapy at the right time in my life, and perhaps it may have even saved my life a couple of times. So, please don't take my abrupt leaving as an insult. I think the problem is we built up too good of a relationship, and I don't ever want to leave it. But, therapy isn't meant to last forever, and it's time I move on.

I will miss you! And I am glad that I will at least still get to see you around town for awhile.

Healed

So happy for you for this new T and all the progress and good vibes.

T, I hope you have great holidays. I did say it to you multiple times already, but I really mean it. You are the best T and this year has been truly awesome.

T,
after years I finally have a very secure attachment. And didn’t get attached to EMDR therapist at all, even though really liking her, which is great.....

Hi R,

Thank you for everything, thank you for witnessing. Everything slips away at night...I'm safest when I am fully awake, but I obviously can't be constantly awake...that would be silly.

Trying to just let it be there is hard....I'm opening up more, and that is scary. Thank you for realising how ******* lonely it is dealing with it all on my own.

Hugs, Healed. It sounds like you know what you have to do. It sounded like things have been going poorly with your T for some time now (and even he admitted it, right?) Like maybe it's causing you more distress than helping at this point. Maybe you've just come to the end of your T's usefulness to you--you can't go any further with him. I assume he's the sort who would leave the door open if you change your mind, right? So there's no risk in trying it out, seeing how it feels.

I ended things pretty abruptly with my T of 6 years as well (is there something about the 6 year mark, I wonder? The 6-year itch?), just telling her in session that I'd made an appointment with another T and that I'd at least come back for a termination session. Well, it's now been over 3 months, and I did send her an e-mail update and said I might come in for termination session in February (she's traveling most of January). But I don't know that I'll actually do that--not sure I feel the need, but will see how things are going then. (Still debating what to do about MC at this point, but that's a much more complicated story.)

My point is that I don't think there necessarily needs to be some long termination process, even though T's often seem to think that... Do what you think is right for you, not what your T thinks...

there must be something to the 6 year thing as that's where I'm at too. Just past 6 years.

t, i don't like how we left things last night. not saying it was bad, i mean we weren't fighting or arguing or anything like that, but it just wasn't.... i dunno. i was happy when i got there, it felt good to share the work i've done the past 5 weeks with you... but when i left i was sad and feeling trapped. why do i feel this way t? why? what is it about you? what is it about this relationship? what is wrong with me? why can't i just let myself be happy, say no you are wrong, thank you for everything but i am not coming back, merry-christmas-happy-rest-of-your-life-goodbye?

I don't know, t. I just don't.

T,
It was useful to spend the last session helping me figure out how to help DS, but I didn't get to talk about my emotions, my reactions, to help me prepare to be with family next week. I feel like I didn't get "therapy". I enjoyed a hypomanic day - it was fun to be that way. And then I spend times feeling empty. I want to email. I have written emails. But I am respecting this is your break. Anyhow,...

Today was supposed to be our penultimate session, RoboT. I miss you, and I guess part of me wishes that we would have had the three months that I took away. I know it was for the best, and I'm doing better now than I was three months ago. I just miss you, I guess. I'm tempted to write you a letter. Not that it would serve me any purpose except to still have some connection to you. Sigh.

C,

My husband is suddenly sick, and I'm scared he'll be really sick, and then all of Christmas will be on me... I'm scared when he's sick. It makes me feel alone.
I want a hug.
I think, in 2018, I will hug you.

Hugs. I hope your H gets better soon (and that you don't get sick, too!) Go for the hug if you can...(My T said specifically that he doesn't do hugs, but I'm content with handshakes, which he is OK with...)

I already had it, so I'm not too worried...unless he has something different.
C is actually the one who brought up hugs a while back and said that he allows them. We talk about it a lot - like, I'll say how I want to hug him in my emails. But I also told him I wasn't ready to do so in person yet. And I'm still kind of not.

He did wind up sitting next to me on the sofa at our appointment Friday. It's a little..tough. Because it reminds me so much of S. Perhaps that's part of the huge backlash I had after Friday's appointment.

Ah things to talk about next week.

i wish i could spend christmas with you instead of my ****** family

Morning T! Guess what? Happy therapiversary!
I know you don't remember, but this day two years ago you said "hello Capt" for the first time

Have a good day!

C,

dammit.....
I did it again.
I got vulnerable in a text to S.
To which, you know, he didn't respond. of course. God forbid we have any serious conversation outside of stupid memes and jokes.
And now I feel stupid. Like a child trying to get an adult's attention with childish things that don't matter to adults.
I hate that it still hurts.
I hate that it wasn't real. That he wasn't real.

Hi t. Thanks so much for your response to my email today. It helped me feel a bit better about yesterday's session. I shall miss you.

Dear MLK,

Thank you for the lighter session. I said I didn't want to talk about canceling a portion of trip, but you did. Thanks for accepting the condensed version with out any questions.

Thanks for helping me navigate through this forum. It was a bit fun, and I understand things a tad better. You asked if you could come on this forum without having to be a member and I told you yes. For a hot New York minute I thought about closing my account, but that would be old behavior, and I have nothing to hide so come aboard.

Your glee in accepting my tokens to thank you still makes me smile. I told you about the therapist that left in her will $25,000 worth of her jewelry to be divide among her clients and that I want you to do the same. I never notice your rings before so I'm glad you were willing to put out your hands for me to get an eagle-eyed look. Lol.

Xmas dinner with FM and family I think will be nice. I know I don't have to put my Ms Manner's etiquette book in my purse.

We only have one more time together before I'm off again. But, I know I can send emails and you will respond to all. Thank you for this.

M.

I hope you have such a wonderful Christmas and New Year!!

I did go to Moms today. Wow!! . There are no words.

She brought up that Christmas that she always does and I just listened. When she finished her story to everyone listening, I didn’t even look at her. I just said, “I remember that Christmas.”

It totally stopped her in her tracks. She didn’t say anything else. Does she think that I don’t have that fragment in my mind? I don’t have an ending to it - I guess maybe she does.

When I told her that I remembered that Christmas she was silent.

I don’t know what to think of it.

Then.

She tells me to go to the north end bedroom, look in a box on the floor at the foot of the bed and there was a pillow in the box for me.

Ok.

I went and looked and there was a little pillow, still in the plastic bag it came in, and it has the saying,

“My little girl yesterday

My friend today,

my daughter forever.”

I’m sorry, but what in the hell is that supposed to mean?

What did she mean by sending me up there to get it out of a box, still in the plastic after she brought out that memory AGAIN??!!

Too much psychoanalyzing going on in my head right!!

The pillow is in the same category as the book!!

I can’t actually shred it into pieces and a small part of me doesn’t want to. It wants it to be true. That makes me mad!!

Man!! My brain can’t sort this out because it doesn’t work that way.

Sorry for the flip out. D even agrees that it wasn’t right.

So there’s that!!

That’s done so I’m putting it behind me until after the New Year.

I just have to find somewhere safe to put this pillow.

Thanks. I was feeling raw, and I felt lighter after our session. My bucket was nearly empty, and I soaked in all of the joining, lifting up, reframing, affirming.

What I probably won’t tell you...I know you are not insincere, but I actually think you were laying it on pretty thick, and coming from me that’s something.

My Queen of Silver Linings crown was getting a little tarnished, so it was ok. Thanks for helping me polish it up.