Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

I hope you are ready for this....

Hi...

We made it through whatever that was, I think...
Thank you...

help help help help. omg.

Why won't it go away t. I'm drowning

Dude, I didn't tell you how much I liked your jacket. I really liked it! Can I have it? Just kidding, haha.

I hope those things I told you didn't sound too much like criticisms. When I said therapists can cause significant harm to their patients, I didn't mean that you were doing that to me or that I thought you would. There are times when I'm afraid you would, but I don't seriously think you would. Does that make sense?

I'm afraid I told you too many negative things and left out the most important thing, which is that I love you.

Hi R,

I'm so grateful for what you said yesterday. 'I think you are so brave.' What we are still discussing sticks in my throat, but I hope I will have the strength to bring it up and out, so that I can breathe, and maybe sleep through the night.

I think I understand now that you are not going to hurt me like P did. That was the other reason I choked up. I didn't want you to see me lose it, though.

This is hard, but I know you are right there.

Blessed be,

Lost

Hi t. You were ready. I really liked it that I could hear you drumming from my car when I got there. At first I was like hmm, but then I liked the thought of it. Great session. Thank you so much for that. For everything. I know we didn't get to do the sand tray thing, but y'know what, it's ok!! I really meant what I was saying about how that insight I got from my journey on Sunday, the "Maybe it's not about right or wrong" message from Beaver, that it was huge for me. Like I said my entire life up until therapy was so rigidlly about right and wrong and i have to do the right thing or else... that the knowledge/realization that sometimes a decision isn't about right or wrong but simply about what I need at that time - is astounding and so freeing. It allowed me to speak my truth to you lastnight confidently and without fear/nerves. And I didn't cry at all. The fact that I didn't made me further realize that in the past a lot of the times that I would cry while talking about a decision was because I was so afraid it was wrong!! Holy sheepfrogs!! I think this is going to be a good break for me, thank you for the things you shared with me lastnight, thank you for walking me out to my car and for the longer than usual hug... like i said during that hug, thank you for everything-everything. I embark on my break happy, strong, and filled with purpose and love. See you in a couple months or so....

Can I come back to your house now please and just curl up and sleep on the chair maybe?

Why do I forget who you are every week? I don't feel connected. Again. I'm afraid you don't exist. Would I feel better if I saw you weekly? Can you give me a sign, please? Any sign that you exist?

I'm afraid I'm getting obsessed with you. "Oh, this guy laughs like T. Oh, that guy smiles like T" etc.
But I don't know who you're...

Plz?

Thank you for your emails today

I can so relate to this.

Why can't you just respond to my email? I'm having a terrible time ridding my brain of his voice. I need your voice in my head instead. Please, I don't feel safe today.

Dear T,

Did you forget it was my birthday yesterday? I thought you would remember. I felt a little bit dissapointed.
PrevT did remember. Though there have been years when she didn't said anything about my birthday.
It's just dissapointing when the person who knows so much about you doesn't remember your birthday. I know you're just my T. But T's should just have their clients birthdays in their online workagenda. It can mean so much to a person when their T remembers their birthday.

Apparently my communication problems extend to an inability to write emails...

Dear T,

Thank you for the connection this week. Once again you were spot on. There is more, there is always more. Will you still care?

Crap

I think I am starting to fall for you. It does't help knowing so much about you and you acting like a friend with me.... I am scared of how this will mentally effect me now

So drunk. I cannot deal with this, not that I matter. I do every ****ing thing I can and it doesn't matter, I ****ing suck. I am a lowlife. YOu know this and have known this for a long time. I am worth NOTHING. Feel free not to give me hugs because I am so loathesome. I am so ****ing devastated and feel likether's no hope. everything has changed and you see me for who I am, apparently not a good person. I don't want to exist anyymore. I don't want to care. how can I not feel bad about myself? I deserve your hatred and xt DESERVES to be annhialated by a nuclear explosion. **** him and his pomposity. I want to fail to exist, can you make that happen? Can you obliterate me so I don't have to feel the massive pain of hating myself? I am so ****ing oblitgerated that I wish there was nothing left of me. NObody would notice. I have fought the fight, and I am in the end just so completely wiped out and devasted that I don't think I am going to make it. I don't remember when I have been this bad. OMG, how will I Get past this, I can't. Someone please just put me out of my misery.

C...

hi.
do you still have fatherly feelings towards me? has that changed?
because tonight, I wish you were my dad, and I wish you were here. I don't like being the only adult home with the baby

I went to the group t. I did it.

Dear FM,

JUST UNBELIEVABLE!

Livid enough that I am making mistakes.

It feels so much better when you're kind to me, and I can carry it through the week. I can feel positive again so am hopeful. Is this how everyone else in therapy feels?

This is a path to getting better rather than being immersed in negative, angry, painful feelings every week. Glad I got to see you.

T, therapy with you is the best thing I ever did. Thank you.

It's been over a week, and I still have no idea what the f****** h*** that was.
It was all over the place and your suggestion for "coping skills" missed the mark by so much that I felt sick afterward. It begged a pretty big question about how I feel about what happened to me. It was offensive, and I am not easily offended.

I have never before left your office feeling like a patient instead of a partner in my own recovery. <---- That I will tell you.

Seriously, what the h*** was that?

Hi R,

I really don't want to email you every week, especially after the flurry of contact over the road closure...but what happened yesterday takes the cake. I managed to restore a kind of fragile equilibrium, but I'm still feeling somewhat wobbly over it all.

Five more sleeps until I can tell you about it, too.