Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

Something really good happened today. Why does something so good scare me, though? It felt good for awhile and I was okay. It feels like I'm kind of teetering on the edge and that I might become ungrounded. Ughh. I just don't get me. A question mark lives in my head. You are a part of the reason why I am able to be so successful. My emotions are threatening me. But I'm still here.

Therea gunning for you...and the troops move on. Lol.

Dear Info,

I am tired.

I am scared.

I have done a few hard things in my life. One just ended yesterday.

But I think rebuilding from the ashes instead of living a half-life in the dim twilight may be the hardest yet.

It’s not brave; I just don’t have a choice. I won’t settle for that half-life.

Far better it is to dare mighty things etc.

But the thing is, I am pretty sure you are not the person to help me. The only one I have faith could have helped me is in another country, and just now I’m angry with her.

We’ll see if I’m wrong about you.

ATAT

(((ATAT)))

Tomorrow is going to be tough.

I’m typing this looking at someone else’s hands doing it.

So much has come to me this week and I’m trying to prioritize it.

Trying to sort it out and there is a part of me saying “Just Breathe, it’s going to be ok.”

My mom.

Yeah.

My mom.

That’s what these things are that don’t make sense.

I️ hope that tomorrow I️ can find some kind of containment for it.

Seriously!!!

I’m going to be with her for Thanksgiving and there HAS to be some kind of containment.

Seriously!!

I️ can envision myself erupting and coming undone.

I️, myself, can’t handle that.

It feels like I’m on the cliff of really understanding and putting these pieces together and here I️ am.

Thanksgiving, last year, was when she gaslighted me in front of my family. It was so ? I️ don’t know the word for what it was.

A vacuum.

That’s what it was. A vacuum.

Yikes!!

Needy.

Whiny.

Weak.

Yep. That sounds like me right now.

It WILL get better. I️ have confidence that it will. I️ truly believe it will.

I’m rambling.

I️ DO believe though.

Can we contain this tomorrow?

I️ have a secret that makes my heart happy for next week, that you are closed.

No one knows and I️ can’t wait to be present in the moment.

I’ll share it with you tomorrow because you can’t tell anyone that would spoil it.

Thank you M!

I️ am getting stronger. I️ just feel a little small right now.

I'm so tired after our session that I just want to go to bed and sleep and sleep. But I can't. I have to put on a brave face and keep going.

I miss you

Dear Dr S,

I'm thinking about cancelling on you tomorrow because after being out all day today, I just want to stay home. We've never talked policy so how late can I wait to make this decision? It might just be a passing feeling due to pain, tiredness, and rain. (And buzzing in my ears/head).

Sigh,
Me

Hi R,

I am scared as can be that we won't be able to have our session tomorrow. The road repairs couldn't have come at a less convenient time. Knowing that you will do your level best to make it eases my mind some, but I am unlikely to truly calm down until I see you tomorrow.

Here's hoping it all works out...

Dear T,

Six months ago when we met for the first time, you had such a familiar quality to you, but I couldn’t place it. I just met with my midwife for the first time in forever—and holy crap. You and her have the same personality. The same thoughtful listening, the same facial expressions, the same quiet listening. No wonder we connected so well, you’re the male version of the midwife whom I adore and have had a very special relationship with for years. I can’t believe I hadn’t made that connection until now. Of course. This subconscious attraction to people, it’s totally a thing.

See you tomorrow. I had a monster panic attack on Sunday and I’ve been desperate to discuss what happened.

T, I in such a bad bad place now and you will say it ok and you not going anywhere I know I am losing everything and it all changing and can tell and ffeel it and I cant handle mcuh more

Hi t. Tomorrow at this time I will be driving home from your office after saying goodbye-for-awhile.

I feel, settled about it. For now. I expect there will be tears, tomorrow though. I won't say anything more here. I haven't figured out the words yet, anyway....

hey t. i really appreciate that you know exactly when to reply to my e-mails even if i tell you that you don't need to. whenever i am really in distress, you know. right now, i am clinging to you like a life raft. i apologize.

I was trying to be vulnerable and let you in. I really need help with this. It feels like you don't like this me. I guess this shirt, namely me, is at the bottom of the dirty clothes pile. unconscious favoritism

Why can't I just get out all the thoughts in my head all at once? Why is it being drawn out into week after week of me having too much to say.

My resiliency is waning.

Please don't hurt me. Or terminate me. Or think I'm in love with you.

Please just understand for once, okay?

If you don't talk/guide me in this, I will never come back. Don't think I know how this works, I don't. My anxiety about this is unbelievable.

Teeeee,

That's hard homework you've given me - I haven't drawn by hand in years!

Of course you're right that my fierce, punitive mode is going to endlessly criticise me when I draw!

I am trying to roll with it, T. Let's see how that goes.

They way u sat across from me... Teaching me how to play that game. The way you looked at me. It made me feel loved

Ps... Your beard is getting more and more grey. But it's okay

Why can't you just take away all this sadness, emptiness, numbness?

I want to give up.

I'm tired of wanting to give up all the time.

Maybe it's time?

What if I am not capable? What if this is all too much?

Dear No. 3,

**** you, **** you, **** you.

Yeah, I finally read your letter sent to Info. You don’t seem to get that your “very human” mistakes intensified a cycle of sh and si for me. And it is not like I didn’t state very specifically to you that I was afraid that would happen if you sent me a personal communication with a record I requested. But you sent a note anyway. And look what happened.

Once more for the road: **** you. You should not be allowed to be anywhere near vulnerable clients.

ATAT

I'm starting to doubt you as the best therapist for me. And that thought makes me feel ill.