Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

I'm tired of hating myself, I'm tired of everything, I feel worse and worse

V,

I am highly distressed right now, and I want to talk to you, not

I'm going to consider this progress.

Daisy

I had a similar thought about myself a couple weeks ago when I was upset and wanted to talk to T2, not MC...

i miss you so much, is it tuesday yet?

Hi T,

I know we talked but I need you. This coming week is too far away.

FM,

You're a lifesaver. I did not miss my plane. I'm exhausted, yet happy to be going home.

Please call me next week. I don't remember what you said a month ago: if you said you'd call me next week regardless of whether we managed to get a session or not.

You've been very responsive to my emails lately during my time of need. I appreciate that. I needed the extra support and you accommodated me. Have a good holiday with ur new baby

Dear T,

A part of me says that I should keep coming in order to try and work through this, but another part says that there is no working through it with you. That I need to work through it on my own.

I don't know. It's so complicated and so uncertain.

Hey t you were so right when you said that coming the past 3 weeks in a row really solidified some things for me. It sure did!! I'm not going to say I wish I'd always come weekly. I can't say that I'd want to change anything about our work together. I think from where I'm sitting now, that the way it all went was exactly the way I needed it to be, to heal, and to learn what I've learned, even the worst and hardest bits of it, it all worked together to get me to where I am now and I am grateful for it all. Thank you. So much.

Hey,

It's one of those days you need to go find the Colt 45 malt liquor party. If you can't beat em join em. Lol.

Hi T,

What you asked of me on Thursday makes me want you as my dad.

That's bad.

Do you have children?

Hi R,

It's tearing me up not to email you about yesterday, but I know that wouldn't be good for me. I would just spend the next four days waiting for your response...and besides, I need to talk it through, as always...if I can.

Roll on Thursday...

Helloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Dear FM,

Thank you for reading here and getting back to me. I really appreciate your having taken the time for me as an ex-client and helping understand the matrix and supporting me.

And, I am glad you give me a thumbs up for all that the week has entailed, even today.

Dear T,

You and I had the best long conversation earlier today, did you know that? I bet you didn’t because it was in my head. But I had a rough extended family gathering today, and I sobbed the whole way home, alone in my car (where most of my crying happens—I’ve known how to sob and drive since I was a teenager.) I imagined sobbing in front of you finally, your kind quiet voice being so supportive. One day I’ll cry for reals in front of you, or in front of anyone for that matter. But instead I took long journal notes to discuss this week. As usual, I can talk about the times I cried after the fact with you, how the heartbreak and devastation is so present today.

We’re at the six month mark in a few weeks, did you realize that? I feel like in a lot of ways I’m just getting started, finally learning to be comfortable around you and trust you. But I’m glad you work slowly. I know you said you often get concerned people think you work too slowly, but it’s perfect for me.

Thank you for taking no time off for thanksgiving, I’m kinda shocked and amazed you’re not. I get to see you two days earlier this week because of the holiday (which sadly, will mean two days later the following week.) Thank you for missing exactly 1 weekly session in this past six months, a vacation absence planned well in advance. The consistency and reliability, it means the world to me. You mean the world to me.

See you Tuesday.

I just looked up the school you went to. You're so posh. I mean, I already knew that from the way you speak, but... Wow.

FM

Standby sent me this: "All rising to great place is by a winding stair"— Francis Bacon. I had never seen the quote before, so the timing... Maybe this is your winding stair. But you will get to the top. You will.

That's the same thing you said about a forum poster. Thanks for telling me it was okay to reach out to Standby, though I already knew it was.

I think the jetlag is pretty bad and to do it all again on Wednesday without recouping will leave me more unfocused and continuing to procrastinate. Such is life.

PS: I still believe your profession is a wacked one.

I really think you people treat clients like they are complete morons. "It sounds like you are having difficulty making decisions about the estate" - no ****ing **** sherlock.
And you wonder why I didn't let you talk.

Dear Info,

I was catching up on the week’s news and the stories about Franken led me to an article related to him because one of his interns pled guilty



We talked about the assault a little and then I pulled back because things in other areas were getting bad, I was sh-ing, and it was just too much. And, I just don’t want to go back there right now because I still feel so fragile.

But, I can’t go through another cycle of flashbacks and nightmares alone.

ATAT

T,
I have so much I need to tell you. I didn't realize I was keeping so much from you until now when it's too late. I'll probably only get to see you one more time or twice if I'm lucky. But I feel like, even though I've been seeing you for more than a year, we're just getting started. That's my fault because it takes me forever to trust somebody. But I think I've finally peeled back all the layers and I'm ready to be vulnerable and make progress but now it's too late.

You won't admit it, T, but you are sick of me. I'm totally overbearing and you'd like to dump me.

The one I see tried to talk me into continuing until she retired. I do not believe you people are not in it for the money.

Dear T,
I didn't like our phone conversation. It left a bad taste in my mouth. I just wish that next week would be over so I won't have to worry until the next time. I have so much trouble staying in the present. I'm just no good at mindfulness. Why can't you help me not to think of devastating accidents happening? That's why I'm depressed now. Everything is too stressful and you say to stay in the present. If I could I would! I have to do something about my insomnia too. I feel like giving up. Please help!!

Everything's going to ****