Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

T...
I am so sorry. You didn't even know that I abused drugs (I swear that I will tell you next time I see you.....which is August) but I had a month and a half of sobriety and I was doing it for you. I wanted you to be proud of me. But I threw it all away tonight. I'm sorry. I know you would be disappointed if you knew.
Annie

Hey, after last week's session, I think I love you even more than before, even though you still don't really get it. Anyway, this deepening of feelings is really quite unnecessary. I loved you so much already. I didn't even think it was possible to love you more.

How is it that, instead of detaching from you, I ended up even more attached? Is it always opposite day in therapy world?

Dear T,
A little nervous about seeing you in 2.5 hours. I was very open in that e-mail, and obviously we'll be discussing some of that. Debating whether to tell you that your response made me cry (I'm not going to tell you that I've read the one part like 10 times already...) It made me feel more connected to you, which of course scares me. Like I'm afraid I'm going to come in today and feel super attached...I'm sure you know why that worries me. But you have good boundaries, and I think those will keep me from reacting to you the way I did to MC...and vice versa.
See you soon,
LT

Whyyyy do I feel like you don't have time because you don't want to see me and my disgusting self ️

today was hard, T, but thank you for pointing out a hard truth with as much kindness and compassion as you did. and thank you for not giving up on me. i know i am difficult.

T, this has been too many disruptions in my appointment schedule. I'm mostly fine and I'm not that upset with you, but I'm frustrated that it's going to take a while to get back to where I was again. Like losing my place in a book that was finally getting interesting. You said last time that the thing I was into felt like it needed more time than what we had, and I agree. I hope you are done taking breaks for a while. I need you to hold still for a bit so I can finally finish this.

Dear T,

I wonder if I've ever given therapy with you a change. I think I already kind of given up on therapy and life when PrevT dumped me on you. She left you to deal with my and my issues with her. I hate her so much. And I hate that I still long for her. I'm so so stupid. Everything is stupid. I hate this world.

Dear T,
Thanks for being kind about my lateness today (I will now be careful to check for my keys before I leave the house! And maybe consider stashing one with a neighbor or hiding it somewhere, as you suggested...). And for dealing with my rawness and panic from having ridden in the cab. And just seeming compassionate. The way you looked at me as you said "Good luck" when we shook hands, I could see the caring in your eyes. So thank you. And you had some helpful stuff to say, too.
Gratefully,
LT

I felt a very slight, meaningful connection with you today for the first time ever. I gotta admit, it was nice. So, thanks. Thanks also for delivering honesty in a humorous way, and, your continued patience. You made the truth not hurt.

You know what I wonder. How is therapy supposed to cure a problem that it caused in the first place? Yes, I mean that stupid maternal transference whose latest bit I am loathe to admit to you. So I put it here. Ugh. What I wanted never mattered to my mother and I feel that with you now. What I wanted didn't matter. Meh.

V,

You're dumb. You know that I'm not good with excessive self disclosure. So why would you go there?

I just...why?

C,

Today is indescribable. Anger and instability, then gratitude and safety followed by terror, walls, doubt, and now just... I need to sleep, or I will do something I regret.

I want to reach out to you tomorrow, ask for a call if I still feel this unstable, but everything is a mess now, and I've lost my sense of safety and trust in you. Temporarily. And not fully, I promise -- please don't retreat.

You asked if I SIed, and I told you I did not. That was true. But I wonder what you'd say if I told you I've SIed in the past while seeing you and not told you about it. I wonder what you'd say if I told you "I didn't tonight, but I'm still not safe, and I honestly need you to check on me tomorrow. I need to know that you're going to check on me. I need to be able to tell myself that to keep myself safe."

C, I don't know what's going on -- why I've lost touch with reality as much as I have. Everything seems to be spiraling out of control (and, also, your being sick somehow scares me too).

Honestly? what I want to say is "help me. I need help. I need you to take care of me right now. I'm not ok. I'm not safe."

Dear Ex-T,
Sorry for the kinda s***ty follow-up e-mail, but, well, that's kinda how I feel. If you can't even dignify my long e-mail with a quick response, it kinda feels like you don't care anymore. It was 3 weeks ago, so you had plenty of time to say, at the very least, "Thanks for the updates." That would have taken you, what, 30 seconds? But I guess you don't want to take the chance of engaging with me. And/or you've ceased to give a ****. If that's the case, no point in termination session. Whatever. So much for 6 years....
LT

Dear Info,

Today you said No. 3 and I connected “on an implicit level.”

So I guess you and I, if we’re connecting, which I’m not at all sure we are, are doing so on an explicit level?

Let’s keep it that way. Less pain for me.

ATAT

Dear T,
I sort of wish I'd started seeing you a couple years ago. But I suppose I wouldn't have appreciated you then. I would have found your boundaries to be restrictive and annoying. It's only now that I can comprehend that solid, clear boundaries are also the safest ones...and the kind that I need.
LT

I feel like you understand me, T. Thanks for that.

M.

I sent you some pictures that are curious to me. After I sent them I saw something I hadn’t seen before. It’s kind of weird.

I can’t wait to talk with you tomorrow.

The holidays have been such a mental monkey circus! I’m SO glad it’s over!

Now I get to sort it out with you tomorrow. I’m so thankful!

I’ve missed talking with you!

dingdangit i miss that one particular grin of yours.... the one where you can't help feeling proud of both of us...

grr.

Okokok I admit it I miss everything there I said it!

But I'll get over it!

Hi T,

Please be good about this... Because I really like you and trust you and I want to start talking with you about more stuff but I can't do that if you screw up (again) tomorrow.

So yeah... I hope you enjoyed your holidays.

I think you are finally starting to understand the depth of the feelings. Finally.

Dear MC,
I have no idea what to say to you today. Seriously. No idea.
LT

I’m not doing too well.

Tonight if you can, please spare me the tired old spiel on my family and trauma.

I’m not sure what I need but I know it’s definitely not that.

MC,
I think I just don't trust you anymore. And without trust, I don't see how there can be a therapeutic relationship.
LT

Dear Dr. S,

Sad today. Hard to focus. I wish I could just curl up in bed or be my puzzle under your couch, hiding out in a safe space.

Thanks for being there for me in the way that you are there for me.

love,
me