Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

Dear T,

Thanks for updating me that you hadn't had time to really focus on my e-mail and would respond thoroughly tomorrow morning. I had started to worry it had annoyed you, and your update made me feel better... MC would have just let it go for a couple days, which would have led to me sending follow-up e-mails/texts, which was probably really annoying. But just an "I got your e-mail, will respond when I can" means a lot... Because it shows you're (presumably!) not annoyed and that you haven't just ignored me...
--LT

C,


I'm sorry.
I feel like the s***tiest client.
You've been incredibly good and kind and gentle and patient with me.
And yet all I can do is continue to freaking cry.
I don't want to be a negative person.
I am really scared that if I don't feel better, if I go through these long periods of falling apart, that you'll get annoyed with me and just say "I give up - go ahead and wallow."
But you've not given me any indication that that's something you'd ever do.
So I don't even know where I'm getting that from.
****

Is it Wednesday yet? Is it Wednesday yet? Is it Wednesday yet?

Dear T,
Thank you for that long, thoughtful, caring response. It made me cry. And thanks for the reassurance that you weren't planning to bail on me--you're right that I could have misread the one line in that way.

I'm glad you're my T.
LT

You won't respond to me. I can't help but think it's because of what I told you. I'm sad and hurting.

I'm glad to know that I'm not the only person who's ever done that.

I don't like feeling like this. I don't like feeling clingy.

T,

The thing that really has me annoyed about the current status of our relationship is this.. When we started talking about me ending therapy, you thought I should not stop coming altogether but make it a gradual stop. Which, I know is a normal thing that people terminating therapy due. You have said more than once that you are afraid that I will feel abandoned by you if I just stop coming. But the ironic thing right now.. is, I feel abandoned by you already. The last couple of sessions have been horrible, you have been bad at returning emails, and I just feel like you aren't there anymore. AND- really feel like last appointment when we finally decided to start making my appointments once a month, that you were the one that finally made that choice and not me. and that really sucks too. So, turns out I didn't need to quit therapy to feel abandoned by you.. I just needed to continue, and sure enough it would happen.

This song is about you
Cause I can't live without you
when a song is about you
then you know you've got problems
that you can choose

There's a hole in my conscience
There's a hole in my country
like a nose that keeps running
like a hose that won't stop flowing
and I know that it's coming
It's coming
It's coming
It's coming soon

Here's why
Cause you are the ocean
And I'm good at drowning

(you should be looking out)

The morning will follow
and I wont remember

(you should be looking out)

It feels like I've been here
I've been here forever

(you should be looking out)

you should be looking out

In the fall I get lonely
In the winter I'm still lonely
Come the knives of the springtime
In the summer I go crazy

Cause you are the ocean
And I'm good at drowning

(you should be looking out)

The morning will follow
and I wont remember

(you should be looking out)

It feels like I've been here
I've been here forever

(you should be looking out)

oh hiiiii T. have you heard back yet?

Once again I created a scenario in my head that you hate me and want me to disappear only to get an email from you that was kind and supportive. When will I ever learn

I'm trying to hold onto the thought (intellectually) that you might possibly not be completely and totally done with me. I keep thinking of all the times I thought this and it didn't happen. The problem is, that at this point, where I think that you actually are okay with me, that you aren't going to desert me, that you have positive regard for me,. . . . . at this point, it causes me so much terror because I think that I have been hiding my dark side and it would be more devastating if you gave up on me now that you have provided such a safe space for this side of me. You are now getting me to really, really, really, trust you. Things have changed within me somewhat. I still mostly feel like I did, my dark side just emerges sometimes or it hints that it is there. My dark side is my rebel with a cause thus far. ( like wanting to be more independent). The anger is empowering at times and annoying at others. I really hope you don't bail on me.

I keep deleting things because I feel too vulnearable.

I hear you, and I understand it, and still I am scared if the idea of eventually having to let you go emotionally, because I want to be allowed to love you.

Today, I resent being a wife and mother. And I'm doing a terrible job at both. I just want everyone to leave me alone.

I've been hoping for a while now that I wouldn't be here for 2018. I'm kind of angry at you that I'm still here.

To my therapist,
I’m sorry I texted you over the holidays. You should b with your family. I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I’m sorry for needing you. I’m sorry for needing to hear from you. I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I wasn’t so dependent on you. You can tell me to go away.

Dear T,

It's 2018.

Dear Old Ex-T,

You had some nerve not to fully accept my sexual orientation. Your comments are damaging me today. You should keep your religious beliefs to yourself. I trusted you but you let me down.

Grrr,
Butterfly

I am so grateful to you tonite, on the 4th anniversary of my most significant loss, that you have helped me this past year in cracking open some of that grief and helping me examine it more closely. I am glad to have my memories of what was such a sad and difficult four months. I am glad to feel how sad it all was. And I'm glad to know that despite all that, life is pretty great now.

Thinking of you, hope you are feeling better.

I'm really really really not ok
but I don't even feel safe reaching for you

i want to write you a letter and explain that i'm figuring this out inside myself. i understand now that you were never going to be able to give me what i wanted as far as closure to our relationship. and that you must have had a good reason for not doing a sand tray with me despite all the times i'd remind you i wanted to, and you always saying "I know, and we will" we never did. i just wish you would have been honest with me and told me why we couldn't instead of dangling it out there in front of my nose like a carrot. despite these things, i don't hate you. i'm not even angry anymore. hell, i probably still love you. and there will always be a little special place in my heart for you. the past 6+ years of traversing this therapy road with you, well, the relationship we shared meant so much to me. i wish you a happy and successful 2018 and beyond.

T,
Can you please stay the same while I am changing?

Hi T,
Having a bad day... Need you. Why does tomorrow have to be a holiday?