Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

I am trying to organize things at work. People see me as organized, I clearly have them fooled. I am doing okay. I didn't need to tell you this, I just wanted to.

Ah T,

The gates opened today. Before, during and after session. You have a way of doing that. You get me, you understand me then I word vomit. Blah blah. I'm sorry. Or I guess not sorry since thats what you wanted. And next week is Christmas, great...... atleast you understood that too. So if you can just snap your fingers and make if after Christmas that would be great.

I miss you but I don't want to.

I need to talk about something VERY embarrassing with you.
I don't know how.

T,

I’m sorry for not being strong enough to do this. I know it’s bad. I feel extremely ashamed for not being able to do it

I don't know how you could have turned on me, but then maybe you were badly influenced?? How sad it has been to think you just turned your back.

Seeya tomorrow dude

Hey ummmm.. Hey

Well we'd better work out therapeutic use of this transference and use it, because I'm feeling a bit preoccupied by it and I don't like it.

It’s not fair that you get to make me feel sh***y about something and then leave for vacation. It’s really not

I know that you’re right and stuff but your timing is about as bad as it gets

Maybe I’m just too screwed up for therapy?

Absolutely, positively, a HORRIFIC day. Why me? Why do I do things that make me feel exposed? I am disgusted with myself. Why can't I just be normal. I feel like going on a Forrest Gump Run and running until I can't run anymore.

Then, I am going to find a big boulder and dig a hole under it to hide from everyone.

Then I am going to parachute into the middle of the Saharan desert never to be found again.

Then I am going to the Amazon Rain Forest to meet a shaman so I can experience an ayahuasca ceremony that will possibly rid myself of this painful affliction called me.

help.

The weight of all this is crushing. I hate the fact that I've become so disconnected from my own body that I didn't notice my finger was getting infected. I am looking forward to the safety of our session this week.

I can't believe I made you speechless. I do love you.

RoboT,

I thought about you during my meditation tonight at yoga. I'm actually doing things. Alone. I'm doing things that are good for me. Would you be proud? Do you even remember that I exist? I don't long for you anymore in the same way; I don't want you as a therapist anymore, but I do miss you as a person. You weren't a good therapist for me toward the end and you are a good man at the same time.

Daisy

dear t,

okay, phew--survived the trip with the parents. i know that you and pdoc didn't want me to go at all, but i just could not bring myself to cancel on them. yes, the dynamics were super-stupid (i.e. them announcing that we were going on this trip to [exotic destination] as a congratulations gift even though i didn't want any such thing, therefore making me look like an ungrateful *$$hole if i put my foot down and refused to go). but i think i managed to keep some separation between their feelings and mine. a few times my mom said something nasty to me in response to some benign comment of mine, and i responded with, "that is not what I said. why are you intentionally misinterpreting me?" and she actually conceded and replied, "i know that's not what you said." (of course, one time i said, "mom, why are you in this mood? what did i do wrong?" to which she replied, "YOU didn't do anything," implicating my dad... the stronger thing would have been for me to resist the temptation to blame myself, but i give myself credit for at least working on it.)

and you will actually lol when i tell you about the sleeping arrangements--a physical enactment of my burgeoning belief that boundaries need to be constructed and maintained (even though my mother wants no such thing and takes offense at the very thought)

i actually didn't miss you too badly. that was nice. and i didn't ever feel the need to call you, which was also nice (especially since we've never spoken on the phone before, and i don't know if it would be helpful at all or what).

i think the thing that is really going to suck is when i come back from vacation and see you once and then not for another three weeks while *you're* on vacation. and i can't call you when you're home on vacation, which is totally reasonable--when i am on vacation i don't even want to acknowledge the existence of medicine or my patients, even though i love their guts--but also is going to be difficult.

i am now asking myself, "chihirochild, if you can get by with no therapy for two or three weeks at a time, why did you make such a big noisy fuss about needing therapy twice a week?" i am not totally sure how to answer that. i think it has something to do with being able to get by in a pinch but not being able to stay okay indefinitely? unclear.

anyway. here's hoping it will be all right.

-c

When you said "it makes me think my type of therapy doesn't work for you," it was like a slap in the face. You're right, of course, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Is it time for me to leave you? I don't feel prepared to deal with this, but I'm never going to be prepared. After all, who's ever prepared to get hit by a car? And yet, sometimes, life happens.

Dear Dr. S,

Ok, the 3rd one is bought. What am I going to do? I know, I'm going to give them to you. I am so conflicted about this action - too many parts.

<48 hours.

I hope it is not a mistake.
love
me

Dear T,

Seeing you tonight and two days earlier this week was delightful, but two days later next week will be hard. But considering this is our only interruption for Christmas, I consider myself pretty lucky.

Your kindness and gentle nature was so extra appreciated tonight. Every week I can see your warmth and empathetic nature reflected back to me and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to tell you how much it means to me. I got into a heartbreaking topic tonight that I’ve never discussed before, and your kind, soft spoken nature was exactly what I needed. You said it was an especially hard topic to discuss and asked how I felt afterwards.

I’m amazed at the new layers of myself I’m discovering with you, how I’m finding the most authentic version of myself. You nicely disagreed with the self hatred thought spiral I get into sometimes, how I feel like I will never connect with anyone—You said that’s not correct, I’ve made a deep connection with you. Thank you just isn’t sufficient here, but thank you a million times over.

Please be safe on your trip. Till next Thursday

I can't do it, T, I just can't! I can't think!

M.

It felt so good to talk with you tonight!

The 12yo was up front and feeling safe and confident that she was in a place that she could talk.

Sorry for all the issues with the book. It wasn't your fault to suggest it, it actually opened the door for more things to be known and felt.

So.

Thank you!

I'm going to be brave and do the Christmas with the mom.

I believe I will invite the 12yo to be there with me because she has grown up a bit.

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and New Years.

I will miss you.

I hope that's ok, you feel like a very special friend to me.

A very special brother in Christ.

I hope you have time to read the Cosmic Christmas book. It really is an amazing view on Christmas and with your love of the Star Wars movies, I think you would really enjoy it.

Merry Merry Christmas, and I pray God's richest blessing for you and your family for the New Year.

I can (((hug))) you here!!

See you January 3rd.

Hi T,

I’m not in a good place. I don’t want you to go on vacation.

To be honest i really think you made that part very angry i dont think it wants to kill people.

You have every right to hate me, I'm so sorry for bothering and annoying you. I'm a failure. I'm so sorry.

Please help

Hi T, it's not your fault. You've been good to me. I hope you're not upset with me for making that stupid mistake about the scheduling. It was an honest mistake even though it seemed like weird timing. Anyway it's not your fault that you're not available today, the day that my world exploded. You have no way of knowing that everybody was going to go insane in my life todaY. I just hope I can hold in all the tears until tomorrow when I see you which seems impossibly far away right now and that I don't start crying when I hear your voice tomorrow.

You’ve been gone almost 1 week, and there are still 4 weeks to go.

I don’t know how to get through everything right now.

This morning I was mocked by some teenagers when I was taking my kids to school. It was something so small but triggered something because I can’t brush it off.

My youngest was crying yet again that she didn’t want to go to preschool so I caved and kept her home. They are changing their policies in the new year. I wrote a letter at the teachers request about my concerns and got a generalized email response today from my letter. They basically shot down all of my concerns and then wrote that parents need to be careful with what we say. It made me feel scared but I know that some people will think I’m being over sensitive.

I just want to hide. I don’t want to deal with anyone any more. I don’t know if people are just mean and insensitive or if the problem is just me.